The Bus Stop Man.

Story - ATC

Have you ever seen the bus stop man?

He only comes out at night.

Spotted by few, normally only the intoxicated passing by after an evening of fine dining or hogwash socializing. Sometimes men too drunk to think would shout rude remarks at The Bus Stop Man who in return would blink blindly at the unkind words as if he hadn't heard them.

It wasn't exactly a smile from what an onlooker could tell under so many wrinkles but he wouldn't frown well either. 

The Bus stop man went unnoticed for many years whilst his surroundings changed gradually around him. Trees were cut down to make room for new businesses to replace old, smaller, family run businesses in the town, as the standard of dignity went down the public became prouder and even louder and at the same time the bus stop man just grew older. He seemed to be living forever.

One evening a young lad new to the area was wandering around looking to find his place to fit in and feel safe. It wasn't the first night he'd tried and failed but he wasn't giving up yet, he still got dressed up and carried his long legs into the bustling energy of the town.

The lad wasn't looking for sex or friends but simply striving for conversation to make him feel alive in this bored new area his work had dragged him to. 

On the third night the new lad had caught glimpse of the bus stop man, he had nodded his way and continued into town his bony fingers warmed by the depths of his pockets.

On the third week the new lad did what no one had done before and sat down in the bus stop on the old plastic blue seat, inches from the bus stop man. 

Together the two men sat in silence smoking cigarettes.

On the third month they had become acquainted sharing moments quietly and the odd bottle of gin. They never asked each other questions and neither of them had names.

Three years later the new lad was old, he had made some friends and had a routine in place. Whistling his way through his Friday night he walked the long road to meet his companionable bus stop man but he was not there.

The new old lad left the sandwich he had brought on the worn plastic blue seat next to the torn black plastic bags and cardboard sheets.

The next week the new old lad returned whistling his tune, sandwich in hand but again he found the bus stop lonely lit by the dim, deserted street lamp once more. The stench of mold steamed out from the paper bag in which last week’s food remained untouched.

The new old lad began to worry, hurried he scurried about the village looking for the bus stop man in every nook, every cranny every doorway, every alley but he had no luck. He stared alone once more in a new place and dropped his sandwich into a puddle the cobbled floor began to soak in. 

But the new lad did not give up there, each week he went out in search for his friend asking everyone in every bar but no one remembered his companion.

He described him at first, weeks later he put up posters poorly drawn a man in rags with a face or wrinkles not smiling nor frowning without belongings or a place to belong to except that bus stop.

Months later the new lad sat in the bus stop on the bags cross legged drinking sad through a bottle of gin. There he remained without words without shaving passers-by drunk would shout rude things at him, The Bus Stop Man. 

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Ally the Cat,

Thanks for entering the competition. Alas not a winner this time. I do not have the time to provide a detailed critique on all the submissions, but a few remarks:
- you misplace word quite often: two examples:
"Sometimes, if too intoxicated, usually" -> Sometimes & usually together make this a crooked sentence.
"He didn't exactly smile from what one could tell under so many wrinkles but he never frowned either."-> "exactly" implies did there was something but not exactly a smile", "never...either" implies that what was mentioned before also never was" it doesn't add up, get it?
- "a new lad about" ?
- "bored new area" of "boring new area"?
-"the two blokes sat silently and smoked cigarettes." -> here finally comes the image of the bus stop man, that of course was already in your head but not known to your readers, describe him in the beginning.
- review your interpunction

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter

www.themagiccave.com

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

I apreciate your review, your first point was a mistake of mine thanks for pointing it out -

ATC

[MelissaAndres]

Thank you for entering this into our contest, Ally The Cat. Submissions will be accepted until October 15th. If you have other WC friends who may be interesting in entering, please feel free to pass on the information.

[Olivia]

I hope to be the bus stop man in another life
Interesting and powerful piece
I think I've seen him too

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

ha okay thanks :) glad you enjoyed it!

[AaronFreitas]

I really like this story Ally.... it held my attention all the way to the end :) Love the way you use your imagination

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Thank you Aaron :) I'm so pleased!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good story. You brought me in and held my attention. I like the friendship made and how you led to the strong and sad ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Thank you Coyote I'm pleased it gripped you :)

[Coyote Poetry]

It did and you are welcome.

[Mr_M]

I really like the ending. Seems like a loop that will continue to play over. I saw one mistake although I don't know if it is. The part where he sits down in the bus stop. I think it sounds better if he sat down at the bus stop. I guess both are right. Great story.

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Thank you for reading and for leaving feedback your time is much appreciated :) He sits in the bus stop because one only sits at a bus stop if they do not plan to stay there for long.

[R Smith]

Brilliant, I love this story it takes us on a trip if it had been the London Underground it would most definitely be the Circle Line because that's where we're going round on the circle of life as the new lad becomes that which he seeks....The Bus Stop Man and yes i'm sure i've seen him, fantastic work Ally it gives the imagination a stretch and i love that feeling :)

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Thank you kindly what a fun review I enjoyed reading it, your comparison to the tube made me laugh.

[R Smith]

you are most welcome :)

[One Lost Anti-Hero]

Its like when people say that the ones who affect you the most are the ones who you strive to become. It was absolutely well written and I loved the tone of it. It gave me melancholy feel to it that was consistent through the work. Great job.

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Thanks :) I'm really pleased you liked it

[Alexander D]

The apprentice doesn't surpass the master, rather, he becomes the master absolutely.

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Very interesting analogy thank you for reading and taking the time to leave a review I really appreciate it.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This story didn't end in my mind as I came to the last sentence. Instead, it continued
on as a fractal in time. I had to wonder if in some strange way, the lad who was lonely
had literally "found himself" and existed in two places at once. That is the "outer limits"
"twilight zone" part of my brain, but even simply taken at face value, this is an intimate
portrait that I thoroughly enjoyed. The ending was hard to digest, but the creating the
emotional attachment that creates such feelings for a character is an art.

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Thank you for reading I'm glad the story left you thinking! Much appreciated thanks :)