Here Lies Allyse

It's my eulogy

     Here Lies Allyse

So I decided to push what I’d written aside in favor of something different.  I was thinking about how much I love the movie and book The Fault in Our Stars lately.  The character Augustus Waters wrote his own eulogy.  And I figured if he could write his, then surely I can write mine or something like it.  Or at the very least get all those things out that I’d feel like I’d wanted to say to so many family and friends.  Forgive me for zeroing in on some of you.  But also bear with me, because I care about each and every one of you so much.  This is good therapy for me.  Better than punching walls or drinking.  Please don’t think about the morbidity of it.  I’m here for the long haul as long as you all will have me.

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I sent this out to a lot of you, so if you’re reading this I am sorry. And I guess one might say it’s been a hell of a ride.  Not quite the destination for me any of us had hoped for, but still.  Please don’t think that I just up and gave up.  Folks trying to climb Mount Everest don’t give up and still end up dying of frost bite and altitude sickness.  Sometimes it’s unavoidable.  I had all of the right equipment.  All the right people surrounding me.  All of the best medical professionals my health insurance had to offer.  So why then

 

To my family, and my Aaron.  Kid you and I had something so special that I can’t even put it into words.  If you would’ve asked me in my early twenties what would be or could be the best thing to ever happen to me, I would not say having a kid.  But d****t, you came along and made me the happiest mom ever!  I want you to know that you’re going to do so many great things.  More than you ever imagined.  I’m so sorry that I can’t be here for you now.  Not the way you want me to be.  As luck would have it you have some kick a*s family who will do nothing but surround you with love and support in all you do.  I know it’s early, but I think you’ll find peace in that.  I’m still watching and paying attention, so please do what you think your cool mom would do.  Then maybe don’t do it, lol.  Ask your aunt or uncles, Adam or Zach for advice.    They’re straight shooters.  And not as old as your grandparents. 

 

Mom, dad sis, and bro…  I feel your pain.  It’s a pain I’ve felt myself for so very long.  And I’m sorry I couldn’t be that daughter or sister that you wanted.  I often wondered how in the world you stuck by me going through so much and putting you all through so much.  I learned so much from all of you.  Mom and Allison, I was always jealous your mother/daughter friendship.  Only too late would I realize how alike you two are and that it was okay.  Adam, I am glad that we found our way to being friends as well as siblings.  I know I didn’t make the road easy.  But you’re a hell of a brother, and I could not be more proud.  Dad, I didn’t know what to write here.  Only that I’m sorry we just couldn’t make a concrete father/daughter relationship happen.  We’re so different.  You would always say you’re old fashioned and that you knew best.  I felt like I never had a chance.  I think that I did okay as a mom, sister and daughter.  Not perfect by any means.  But who is?  I wish that I would’ve thought more of myself as the weakest link in the family.  And I wish that you wouldn’t have let me.  I wished for a lot of things.  But there’s no time for regret or blame now.  Only moving forward.  Only loving Aaron and loving each other.  That is my greatest wish now.

 

My friends!  I’m so sorry you guys.  I feel like you’re the ones that were pulling for me the most at times.  Shannon and Jeremy I have to start with you.  Never have I ever been so happy to be referred to Choice Chiropractic in my entire life.  We met by chance, and somehow I stumbled into being part of the most awesome, hilarious, beautiful family I’ve ever met!  Brittney, Caitlin, papa Chuck and everyone else.  You’re this feisty gang who will fight for the ones they love.  You fought for me, so I know that for you all, reading this makes it all so heartbreaking.  You all tried so hard along with my family, other friends and my doctors to point me toward the light.  I miss you all already.

 

Amber Uram I’ll be brief.  But I can’t be writing all of this without mentioning you.  I’m sorry I pushed to so hard that I ended up pushing you away.  When I met you at work it was like meeting a kindred spirit.  A lot of the same tastes in music, politics and an overall affinity of having common sense.  Well, common sense on your end anyway.  So we went from employee and manager to friends.  Then back again as of late.  I never did want you to save me.  You had to leave a space we’d shared at work for so long, and then that was it.  New work digs and a new work partner.  I remember when we had those ridiculously early company meetings that we’d sit together.  But I digress.  You’re going to have the greatest life.  You’ve got a group and family and friends that you’re surrounded by.  You’re getting married soon.  I probably should’ve sent a gift, but it’s obviously too late now if you’re reading this.  Take care of yourself and Mike Taylor.  Sorry I didn’t do better.

 

There are so many others of you out there.  Sarah, we were only friends because of Amber, but I was okay with that.  You’re seriously one of the most awesome people I got to consider myself friends with.  Take care of Justin and baby Chloe!  Justin, we had so many false starts.  Mostly my fault.  I think you should go to Texas and do great things soon.  Nothing is stopping you, and I know your sister would love to have you closer.  Just know that I cared, still care very deeply for you.  You were also one if those “we met through friends of friends”, situations, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Both as friends and lovers.  Didn’t matter.  We always found time in the last five years or so to have it be just you and me.  Christi, at work I have to say that you were the one that was most like my mom, which I loved.  You genuinely cared, and that meant so much to me.  I’m sorry that this is how things ended up.  Please share this with everyone at work, as I want them to know how much it meant for me to be able to work at Baierl Subaru.  Best store in the organization by far!

 

Everyone, just know this wasn’t easy, and that I love all of you so much.  I can’t image writing something like this and then doing what so many do afterwards.  It’s not fair to anyone.  And it’s just not how I want to be remembered.  So thank you all for putting up with me for so long.  I lost some friends over the years, but I’ve gained some of the best, and that counts for something.  I am tired, but I also know that the battle doesn’t end.  It may never end.  I’m not quite ready to waive the white flag of defeat though.  Thank you for your time.