Dark Eyes

Dark Eyes

A Poem by audacious

Goodbye sunrise, 
hello Dark eyes,

Peering from your perch,
as they linger as if they'll lurch

At any sudden movements, causing slight distress,
Your Dark eyes, revealing, seem to undress 

The sensation of the atmosphere
surrounding our small space

Of the car we are sitting in,
Turned towards each other; face to face.

Your thoughts shout one thing
Your emotions another

Our love lingers above our heads
But our hearts hover

At the thought of the jump
The falling, the drown,

Of something so meant to be
It has been buried in the background. 

-A

© 2017 audacious



Author's Note

audacious
Critique as you will

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Blurred in the background... when the issue has set a chain of events and is but a memory in the background, blurred and hardly recognizable. A Sobering reminder.

Posted 2 Months Ago


very great job Audrey :) :) it was dark, but also told a love story :) great job :)

Posted 3 Months Ago


This has a very solemn and profound feel to it (it even has an air of Bob Dylan's "Dark Eyes"...in a way). It has strong imagery and fantastic musicality. I would only critique the line "the falling, the drown" for by the progression of thoughts, it's hard to feel "drown" as a noun in such a way (the sound of it is a tad awkward), and further more, the musicality would call for "drowning" to echo "falling". But if you want to hit that beat with a bang, my suggestion would be something along the lines of this: "the fall to then drown." Or perhaps this: "the fall, and then drowned" (to help a bit with the rhyme). Your call. I'm just spitballing things to consider. This poem is overall a gem. Well done!

Posted 3 Months Ago



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Added on November 20, 2017
Last Updated on November 20, 2017

Author

audacious
audacious

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