daydream catcher (originally written on 12/6/16)

daydream catcher (originally written on 12/6/16)

A Poem by allison

I can see you spinning into blurry blobs of neon colors with me

I'm smiling so hard that it nearly hurts but I can't stop

your glittering pacific eyes and hands gripping mine
it sends me into this blissful trance

I close my eyes
all I can hear is the musical rhythm of our background music trying to keep up with our laughing

rainbows trace the outlines of my figure
replacing my shadows so that everything pops in and out in a dreamy way

it feels like our energy is twisting into this huge force field of love that beams out like a lighthouse over seas of hurt and depression

my entire body steadies with reassurance and wild happiness

© 2017 allison



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k
I like the imagery you evoke in this poem, it's really strong. And there's a clear and consistent tone throughout, which is another thing that really makes this poem work.

There are still some weak points that I see here though. "I close my eyes and all I can hear is the musical rhythm of our background music trying to keep up with our laughing" is a really strangely worded line. It's a bit clumsy and I really think you could do with a rewrite there. In the next line you say "everything pops in and our in a dreamy way". I think this is another weak point for you in this poem. Rather than telling the reader it's in a dreamy way, tell us exactly what it looks like so we can get the sense that it's in a dreamy way. Because "a dreamy way" is different for everyone and really difficult to visualize. This could be a great place to use a metaphor and give us some concrete details.

One final thing: I would consider adding punctuation if I was you. The flow of the poem is kind of hard to get a feel for right now when I don't know where I'm supposed to pause and where I'm supposed to keep going. Adding commas and periods where necessary would help to clear that up for your readers.

Overall, nice work. I hope this review is helpful!

[note: this review was edited for a spelling and formatting error]

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

allison

1 Month Ago

my writing is meant to be abstract and not viewed for everyone's P.O.V, just mine. It's supposed to .. read more



Reviews

[send message][befriend] Subscribe
k
I like the imagery you evoke in this poem, it's really strong. And there's a clear and consistent tone throughout, which is another thing that really makes this poem work.

There are still some weak points that I see here though. "I close my eyes and all I can hear is the musical rhythm of our background music trying to keep up with our laughing" is a really strangely worded line. It's a bit clumsy and I really think you could do with a rewrite there. In the next line you say "everything pops in and our in a dreamy way". I think this is another weak point for you in this poem. Rather than telling the reader it's in a dreamy way, tell us exactly what it looks like so we can get the sense that it's in a dreamy way. Because "a dreamy way" is different for everyone and really difficult to visualize. This could be a great place to use a metaphor and give us some concrete details.

One final thing: I would consider adding punctuation if I was you. The flow of the poem is kind of hard to get a feel for right now when I don't know where I'm supposed to pause and where I'm supposed to keep going. Adding commas and periods where necessary would help to clear that up for your readers.

Overall, nice work. I hope this review is helpful!

[note: this review was edited for a spelling and formatting error]

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

allison

1 Month Ago

my writing is meant to be abstract and not viewed for everyone's P.O.V, just mine. It's supposed to .. read more
This is awesome, I love the visual it gives and you can feel the colorful bliss just from reading it. Good job!

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

allison

1 Month Ago

thank you so much!

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133 Views
2 Reviews
Added on September 12, 2017
Last Updated on September 18, 2017
Tags: love, happiness, colors, happy, cute

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allison
allison

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