Dear Man I Loved,

This is a letter to my ex husband so I could move on with my life.

 

Dear Man I Loved,

 

The first time I saw you, I was so attracted to you. Then I found out you were married. A year later, when I found out you two were getting a divorce, I thought that was my chance. 

 

I still don’t know why I was so intrigued by you.

 

My parents, from the beginning, didn’t want you in my life. Now I know why. 

 

You manipulated me into hiding from my parents, hiding our relationship and marrying you sooner than we were ready for. Because of this, I was never able to see the true you. 

 

Our first year of marriage, I thought I was happy. I tried to be happy. You made me a jealous woman immediately after we got married. All we ever did was fight. 

 

Things I thought that you would try to change, try to make better never happened. My parents were never allowed to be in our lives, in my life. You never tried to make up with them as many times as they tried making up with you. 

 

You never took any of my desires or requests to heart. You were selfish, but because I loved you I didn’t care.

 

The first time I learned of your infidelity, I thought I was pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant. I even tried to become pregnant by “accidentally” missing my pills and trying to reduce the effectiveness of the ones I did take.

 

I remember being so disappointed when my period would start. A month later, I found out what you were doing.

 

All these women, all the phone calls; there were so many incidents and the lies that accompanied them were insulting. The only way I ever found truth was when I found it myself, which always made you mad. I remember regretting looking for the truth. What I found was what killed me.

 

It wasn’t just the fact that you took pictures of her; it was the fact that you were the one who pursued it. It was the fact that you were looking for something. For you to go to online personals was what broke my heart.

 

Come to find out, you’d been doing this for quite a while.

 

The day I walked out was the day I realized that I stilled loved you but I was no longer “in” love with you.  I was actually shocked that you came looking for me. I was even more shocked that I went back.

 

I think the most memorable sex we ever had was the next day. There was so much raw emotion. 

 

Because of the betrayal, my jealousy was so much worse. It consumed my thoughts, every day and every night. I would have dreams of more betrayal and wake up feeling it all over again. 

 

At first, you were understanding and tried to make me feel better but that didn’t last long. This was the reason that we fought even more than before. New things would happen or I would find out more and it would stir it all up again. More lies surfaced and my heart continued to break.

 

So, after all this, I looked through your wallet and my picture was not there. Our daughter’s picture was not there, but three different women’s pictures were. You were never able to explain that one away. 

 

About six months later, I started to heal. On our trip to Alabama, you apologized for ever hurting me and I believed you with all my heart. 

 

I soon came to find out that you were doing things with other women once more. Not only were you doing it again you were doing it way before our trip to Alabama. I had thought you truly were sorry. I felt like an idiot. The lies you told me were no longer believable. I found out the truth from the other women. You denied it, asking me why I would believe them over you. I was beside myself. 

 

I left you that night. Went to a friend’s house, but I didn’t know what I was going to do next. Hours later you finally called me to go home. At this point I realized that I still loved you and I didn’t want to be without you. I wasn’t ready to leave you yet.

 

The next day we once again had sex. I had hoped it would be just as passionate as we had after your first time. It wasn’t. I kept waiting for the connectedness that I thought would come. It never did.

 

Time goes by, months go by and I just lived my life. My new motto was taking it day by day because if I thought about the past I became depressed. If I thought about the future I became depressed so I just took it all day by day.

 

I use to say take it day by day to you but never told you it was because of you and the depression, that I adopted that motto.

 

In one of our many huge fights we got into often you started crying. It was at this point that I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care and that really scared me. 

 

You got more manipulating, controlling and abusive after this. I was increasingly miserable everyday. Because of you, I started taking depression medication. I got books to help me because you refused to. Since I didn’t care anymore, I just counted down the day until you would do it again. In my heart, I knew it was bound to happen. All I needed was time. 

 

I even made myself a CD of music of songs that would help me be strong if the day came. The day that I would find you cheating on me again and I would have to leave.

 

And I was right. I was always right. Every instinct I had was right. All my worries became reality. 

 

The third time came around and I was ready to leave. I had been waiting for that day for a while. It was hard. I still loved you but no longer as my husband. 

 

More truth came out after I left and I now see that you never truly loved me. Honestly, I was just someone you wanted to have sex with.

 

I think there were times that you tried to love me. But you were incapable of doing it. You were too selfish, you wanted your cake and to eat it too. 

 

I know you tried to get back with your ex-wife when we were together. This was something else my instincts were telling me. I came to find out that it was true.

 

Other lies about you and her were brought to my attention and I realize how much you did not love me.

 

Some people go through things like this in their life but don’t regret the marriage. I regret everything. I regret marrying you. I regret trying to stay for so long. I regret losing my family over you. I regret losing myself.

 

If I could go back in time, I would change it. Maybe I would be happier. 

 

I realized after I left that you never saw the real me. Every time I started to come out, you would put a stop to it. It wasn’t acceptable to you. Because of the way you treated the real me, I pushed my feelings further inside. My entire relationship with you was a lie; you, and me.

 

All I ever wanted was the truth. You thought of me as such an idiot, incapable of figuring out the truth. Out of everything you’ve done to me, that was the biggest insult. 

 

I loved you with all my heart but I do not love you anymore. 

 

Now I can be my true self and maybe someone will actually love me,

 

Doing Great without You

Reviews

[Chez Funk]

Hey Brooke!

With Jamie's help I'm just now finding out how to navigate this site. It must feel better to get this out. You did a good job of telling the story. It sounds like it was a really painful time. CW has some good points that we can all learn from too. Thanks for the invitation girl.

[Imperfection]

I regret losing myself. If I could go back in time, I would change it. Maybe I would be happier.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be able to face the truth and to write about the truth with such sincerity. I admire you for that.
I'm so glad you chose to post this. There are so many individuals trapped in such relationships who need to go through this to understand that they're worth more than what they have.
Great write.

[Lorraine Pearson]

I ache for your pain, I celebrate your freedom! This must have been a truly cathartic endeavour! Thank you for being so open in sharing your personal growth through this letter. Its beautifully bittersweet!
~Lorraiyne

[S. P. Vaporis]

its a sad story that too many of us have had to pen. thanks for sharing. ~peace~

[Brenda Sue]

Wow, very emotionally piece. Wonderfully penned. Great job.

[Belinda Rice]

wow this is how i felt when i left my exhusband great write thank you for sharing it

[Writer CW Kirkland]

Wow, this was an emotionally-filled piece of writing. I won't critique it because I don't think it was meant to be creative writing. I wonder if you have plans to actually share this letter with your ex-husband. Putting your thoughts into words had to be very theraputic for you. My only suggestion is to change your feelings of regret for getting married to feelings of appreciation for the fact that you have learned from the experience. Try to focus on the fact that you are a changed person, and focus on the changes that you like in yourself now. I wish you the best as you continue to grow from this experience, and I hope you find your next true love when you are really ready for it to happen.

[Jamie Fantasy]

What a great idea to write a letter to your ex. Sometimes there are so many things you wish you could say but you don't get the chance to or they are things you could never actually say to their face. I love that you finally got all your feelings out so you could move and become the beautiful woman you are now.