A Beautiful Girl

A Beautiful Girl

A Poem by Andrew
"

It's a cyclical world

"
Let me paint you a picture
Verbally draft you a scene
Of a beautiful girl
Caught in a world that's so mean

If you're not around to listen
Can you still hear her scream?
Trapped in by every corner
All she wants is to be free

Truth is, freedom lies in her hands
Gently yearning for a brand new start
She desires to know if she still feels pain
Yet freedom and living seem too far apart

Only a few can see her drifting
Losing what is left of a beaten heart
I've lived to long where she wanders now
And beauty still lives if you peek through the bars

Her portrait has been painted
The canvas far too small
It's a cyclical world for this beautiful girl
And everyone is watching her fall

© 2010 Andrew



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Alicia will perhaps forgive me if I disagree with her recommendation. I believe that beautiful thoughts are only made more beautiful when worked into a rhythmic pattern, whether of syllables, rhyme or both. You do have some lovely ideas here, but the line length fluctuates from eleven syllables (And beauty still lives if you peek through the bars) down to six (The canvas far too small). I would suggest you devoted a little more time to lengthening some, abbreviating others, so that your message might be better (ie, less jarringly) conveyed, and hence the musicality of your piece increased. Eight syllables (four iambic feet) might be a suitable compromise. This is of course only one man's opinion, but in your Bio you DID solicit assistance.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




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thank you mark i appreciate the assistance and the attention paid to my bio, a newer version will be posted shortly

Posted 6 Years Ago


Alicia will perhaps forgive me if I disagree with her recommendation. I believe that beautiful thoughts are only made more beautiful when worked into a rhythmic pattern, whether of syllables, rhyme or both. You do have some lovely ideas here, but the line length fluctuates from eleven syllables (And beauty still lives if you peek through the bars) down to six (The canvas far too small). I would suggest you devoted a little more time to lengthening some, abbreviating others, so that your message might be better (ie, less jarringly) conveyed, and hence the musicality of your piece increased. Eight syllables (four iambic feet) might be a suitable compromise. This is of course only one man's opinion, but in your Bio you DID solicit assistance.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The idea in this is wonderful, but there are certain parts of the wording that sounds a bit forced. I think this is because of the rhyming… Again, I really liked the idea behind this poem. It'd be amazing if you just went with it, and threw away all patterns.

Great job! :)

Posted 6 Years Ago



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Added on December 2, 2010
Last Updated on December 2, 2010