Bliss

    The barrier between her eyes and the unknown world around was removed as she lifted her eye-lids. Razor-like albicant rays of light blinded her before those innocent eyes adjusted to it. It appeared as if she was standing in the midst of a vast field; a field that grew off-white grass instead of green.The sky above, a shade of mazarine, was unusually still and clear. No sound could be heard, except the deafening sound of silence itself. She stepped forward; closer to the origin of the dazzle. She had never felt lighter before. It seemed as if she was almost floating.

    A few metres away stood a glistening, crystalline quadpod. She could make out a faint outline of a spherical structure on top of the stand. A few more steps forward disclosed its identity. It was an orbuculum. She had never seen one before.

    The first thing she saw in the crystal ball was her own twisted reflection; though unshapely, it still had an element of surprise for her. Where were her dark circles? Her scars? All the marks on her body that never failed to expose her as a weak, suffering, vulnerable human being? Instead, her skin, now, glowed in all its glory. For the first time in forever she felt confident. Never had she ever thought she could look so beautiful.

    In no time there was activity in the orb. Little purple and black clouds merged inside; at first, forming a hazy picture, and then- a very clear one, helping her to sink in the reality of the situation. She saw herself again. But this time, it was her scarred self. She lay unconscious on her bed; froth trickling out and down her pale lips. Contrary to human behaviour, her present self stood smiling at the orb. Im finally through.

    She glanced to her left, and then to her right. There rose a tall, flamboyant directional sign post; consisting of three arrows pointing in different directions. Emblazoned on each one of them were few golden letters.

    “Natural- Murder- Suicide.” She read aloud.

    There wasn’t much thinking now, only doing. Her gaze fixed upon the path indicated by the third arrow, she proceeded, hoping for the best; hoping the Almighty had something good in store for her.

Author's Note

P.S.- Fiction, completely. My life is very dear to me ;-p

Reviews

[Najam Us Saher]

I am starting to worry about you after reading this. At some point in one's life everyone feels that death is very good than a life we are living. Remember, one of the greatest sin which god never forgives is suicide.
About the story, you made me feel what the protagonist is going through and this is the beauty of a good story narrator, you did it very well. I am just concerned about you that is why I said the thing mentioned above. At such a young age such thoughts shouldn't come to your naive mind.

[Abraham George]

@ Najam- I like the way you think here. Suicide is never a solution for your problems.
I an happy that you understand that.

[Najam Us Saher]

Strange how once I felt the same. I don't want to live and death is better and all. I am glad that life is not that cruel towards me because I understand now. Feeling good to read your comment :)

[Abraham George]

Comments you gave her was my comment on your suicide note( poem)

[Najam Us Saher]

Oh! I don't remember.

[Abraham George]

you remember that you wrote a poem that time??

[Najam Us Saher]

I don't remember the title. I remember writing that for a contest.

[Abraham George]

no not for contest.

[Zoya]

Najam, you shouldn't worry. It's totally fiction. I also changed my author's note after reading your review ;p
Thank you very much, Najam. You are ever so kind to me. I appreciate you :)

[Najam Us Saher]

I am glad to see you :)
You are most welcome.

[JayG]

• The barrier between her eyes and the obscure world around was removed as she lifted her eye-lids.

Seventeen words to say, “She opened her eyes.” Ask yourself: are you trying to communicate what happens or impress your reader with your ability to complicate? Every word added to a given thought dilutes the impact.

Added to that, in what way is the world obscure? Your intended meaning is…well, obscure.

• Razor-like albicant rays of light blinded her before those innocent eyes adjusted to it.

Now you’re just getting silly. If her eyes are innocent, what part of her is guilty, and of what?

Razor-like. You mean they shave her eyeballs? Cool. I hate getting the hairy eyeball.

Seriously, a razor is a knife, but a knife is not a razor. So by specifying, you imply function, in this case, saving. Had you said scalpel, the meaning would be more accurate. But “knife-like,” is more than adequate, and sharp is tighter, and more on, umm…point.

You misunderstand the purpose of your thesaurus. The goal isn’t to provide alternatives for common words. It was created to help find the word with the perfect shades of meaning intended. Using it to find less common alternatives comes off as being self-consciously “literary.” Keep in mind that you’re supposed to be communicating with the reader, not trying to impress them with your vocabulary. Yes, the phraseology should, in and of itself, be interesting. But that must always be in support of the story—enrichment, not the focus. And story happens, moment-by-moment, in real-time. It is not talked about by an external, dispassionate observer, if for no other reason than that the reader can neither hear nor see your performance.

If you’ve seen the film, This is Spinal Tap (and if not, you should), you have the volume turned to eleven.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Ghania]

Hi Jay!
This is, perhaps, second review of yours on a writing here, that I came across.
read moreHi Jay!
This is, perhaps, second review of yours on a writing here, that I came across.
Your reviewing skills are so good. One might get offended on not getting much appreciation, but the way you critically evaluate the writings, is really helpful for others to learn and grow. =)

[Zoya]

Thank you so much for your time and review. I understand what you're saying. I'll try not to repeat the mistake. Thanks again!

[.]

A deeply themed write, Zoe.

Certainly reaching the crossroads of life happens to all of us; and in your story, it occurs with a morbid sense of choice for your protagonist. The ideal of untouched beauty can certainly drive one towards the wrong pathway.

As always, your story telling is concise and well written with an increased emphasis on expanded vocabulary in this one! I enjoyed the story and its sad relevance for some in our modern society. Another fine write.

Best wishes for the festive season.

[Zoya]

You always sum it up perfectly don't you! Thank you very much, Doodley, for taking out your time to review this one. Means much! :)

[Zoya]

And warmest wishes for the season to you too!

[.]

Always a pleasure, Zoe. Will be writing again in the New Year. (Hopefully).

[Zoya]

Haha, sure. I, too, will!