WAVES & SEA

Something about life

Out of emptiness,
for a true smile i search
filled with hope
looking for some one who cares
faces changed ,life is passing...
but no one is there........


How long shall i stay like that?
is it not  enough what has passed?


Something wrong with me???
Something wrong with  People i see?
If not...
why am i not getting peace?

I have choose my role from what i was taught
life is passing and i am getting the same result,

Why am i not getting peace around!!!
Its either the atmosphere ,or what' s in the cup
Or both of them
otherwise peace would have been found

Author's Note

you have been kind with me so far, thanks for the good words that i have received

Reviews

[Elisa]

My favorite stanza is probably the first one. It is so full of longing and sadness, but there's a soothing feel to the syntax that's really interesting. I would try to harness that feel a little bit further into the poem, so when you begin to cry out for peace, the dichotomy is even stronger. Thank you for suggesting this to me!

[WordShaker33]

This poem really speaks to me. It's talking about growing up and facing challenges. When I read this poem I could feel the message you were trying to get across. Great job

[Claire Twinn]

This sounds very lonely and unhappy, but I wonder why. More detail about this would be good

[Olivia Marie]

Beautiful, I do wish that there where some more details, but it was amazing still :) I beautiful read. :)

[Anne Martin]

You asked me to look at one of your poems, so here are my comments.

As for making your point, I think you do, although at the beginning, you are looking for a smile, but at the end you lament that you don't find peace. Yes, a smile might give you peace, but I think a reference to a smile (at least oblique) might be called for at the end.

Secondly, poetry (for me) is all about the beauty of the language (whatever language it is in). Here it is (forgive me) rudimentary and repetitive. I would like to see some metaphor or alliteration - at least some kind of word play. I don't consider inward-looking rumination poetry. Otherwise, you could ...

write anything
and call it poetry
leave out your punctuation
give it a fancy font
and muse

to your heart's content

to find that smile
that gives you peace
whatever the atmosphere
don't forget to divide it
into stanzas

I tried hard to avoid alliteration and artistic repetitions there.

I suggest you write something that you consider beautiful in your native language and try to translate it into English - not just the words, but the flow, the cadence, the alliteration, the feeling, use metaphor - and try to give it meaning deeper than the words on the surface: two, perhaps even three levels. Force your reader to dig deeper than just the words. I'm not saying you have to use fancy words, but you can use ordinary words in a fancy way.

no smile in a sea of emptiness
only hollow hope in changing faces
life passes anonymously

Here, I've rewritten your first stanza (into my own style). Notice the alliteration at the beginning of the first two lines? The metaphor, specifically the sea in the first line, but also how hope is hollow and how life is anonymous? I've anthropomorphized life and and compared hope to a tree. I haven't even mentioned that I'm searching for a smile, but isn't it clear?

Try to say something through inference. In my serious poetry, I even try to avoid using personal pronouns. You want the reader to feel what you feel, not watch you feeling what you feel. Engage your readers - make them participants.

You've got significant material here in skeletal form. Now is the time to flesh it into something special.

[Cassiopia Summers]

Very good meaning. And we all want peace and love don't we?

[Roxi L]

Peace is something everyone wants whether it's peace of mind, peace in their family, or world peace. This is a really nice peom.

Writing keeps the dream alive
~Roxi/V~

[JelliFyshKissUs]

Looking into an empty cup hoping to produce SOMETHING; and yet something has never come from nothing. A funny thing to search for peace when peace itself must reside in us first before it can be found in others. A simply astounding point you have chosen to shine the light on with your words.

[A.E. Surdam]

I love it. So simple and very emotional.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Peace is something we all long for in our lives and in our world.
Your poem is beautiful ..... i love it and hope you find your peace.

Chloe