Carnivorism

A self-reflection

     How do you pick out a good steak? What kind of steak do you get? What’s the difference between a New York Strip and a rib-eye? How do you cook a pork chop through without drying it out? I didn’t know the answers to any of these questions when I applied for a position working behind a meat counter in a grocery store.

     After submitting my application online, I walked into the grocery store to which I applied and personally handed the assistant meat supervisor my résumé, making sure to drive home that I’m not the kind of girl that easily gets queasy. I can’t imagine coming across anything in a grocery store that would gross me out, even in a butcher’s shop. I’m rather open-minded, you see. I have an unexplainable curiosity to try just about any edible thing, including human flesh.

     I can understand why this is gruesome to most, while simultaneously not understand. The fear behind cannibalism is that anyone could be a potential meal. Also, eating a human would mean committing murder, and let’s get something straight- I am not an advocate of murder. What I don’t understand, however, is why we value one animal’s life over another. After all, we are just another animal in this great eco-system.

     I sell two kinds of red meats, 100% grass-fed and grass-fed/grain-finished, meaning cattle are fed only grass for the first three-quarters of its life and then switched to a grain-feed shortly before slaughter. The latter produces fattier cuts which, in effect, results in juicier and more tender steaks and roasts, versus the 100% grass-fed which is extremely lean and ideal for those on strict diets or who suffer from various illnesses. The grass-fed beef is even sometimes recommended by doctors to cancer patients.

     Working in a grocery meat department has made me a bit of a snob about what I consume these days. I prefer the healthiest, highest quality cuts of meat. Grass-fed tenderloin is my favorite. If you cook it just right, (medium-rare, closer to rare) it practically melts on your tongue. Steamed asparagus, seasoned with a simple salt/pepper/garlic medley makes a great side-dish and washing it all down with a Pinot Noir rounds out the meal spectacularly.

     The general consensus from cannibalistic serial killers is that humans, at least Europeans, taste like pork, or rather, we taste like pork enough to market us as such to consumers. (Because that's exactly what some German and Polish serial killers have done.) My concern isn’t so much what we taste like as it is how we would go about preparing human flesh, furthermore, which cuts would be best.

     Pork butt or shoulder (called a Boston butt when it includes the blade bone or a picnic roast without the bone), is ideal for pulled pork recipes or the Mexican dish, carnitas. There are two kinds of traditional roast, the pork tenderloin and the leaner loin roast, which can also be sliced into boneless chops. Arguably the most popular, and especially here in the Midwest, is the center-cut chop, which is equivalent to a Porterhouse steak in that a true center-cut includes the tenderloin on one side of the bone and short loin on the other.

     What would be the human equivalent to a pork chop? A chop or porterhouse includes the short loin and tenderloin, the medical term being the psoas major muscle, located inside the hip-bone and right next to the spine. Our loins are, more or less, our love handles. But there isn’t a bone between those two muscles. In short, I guess there isn’t a human version of a pork chop. But we do have tenderloins. (My favorite!)

     Many people are intimidated by pork. You definitely don’t want to undercook it, but you don’t want to dry it out (which is very easy to do.) Internal temperature should reach 160 degrees and no higher. A good rule of thumb for roasts is 20 minutes per pound at 325 degrees in your oven, depending on your oven. (Most ovens aren’t properly calibrated so keep this in mind when roasting and baking.) The best way to tell when a pork chop is done is to give it a poke to see if the juices run clear. If they do, it’s done.

     Movies and television like to portray cannibalism as disgustingly as possible, which is a little offensive. Most times, the cannibal is eating the meat raw and just ripping chunks of skin from a living being. Really, who eats something that is still living and raw? Furthermore, it doesn't seem healthy. Our skin is the fattiest part of our body. I don’t think it would taste very good. And I’m a texture-eater. I’m willing to bet the texture would be off-putting. Thomas Harris got it right in his Hannibal Lecter series.  Muscle is what you want to eat, not skin. And it doesn’t have to be savage-like.

     Tougher cuts are best suited for “slow and low” cooking, that is, cooked by a low temperature, indirect heat for a few hours. The meat becomes tenderized and, if done properly, should fall off the bone. Grilling, as opposed to slow-cooking, is done on direct heat and cooked relatively quick. Salting the meat is very important, as it aids in moisture retention. For best results, “rest” your meat about 20 minutes before tossing on a grill or skillet, that is, let it sit at room temperature. This, combined with salting just before cooking provides for a juicier steak.

     Don’t worry. Without the perfection and legalization of cloning, cannibalism, in a healthy form, is unattainable and probably uneconomical. I don’t know what the estimate is on the cost of processing human, but given the very small portions of meat one could get out of one person, the benefit doesn’t appear to outweigh potential costs. Parts of the carcass that don’t make for good steaks or roasts are tossed through a grinder, and once you grind meat, the source of it becomes mostly irrelevant. I mean, if we taste like pork, just eat ground pork.