Stormy Weather

This is just a poem I wrote, but im not too sure anyone will like it. Im used to writing rhyming poems, so this was a little different for me.

Slowly breathing in the air, as it seeps through the window.

Gently tossing and turning, my body resting upon each side.

I feel the warmth of you next to me, your skin to mine.

Laying calmly against the pillow, listening to the sound.

 

Rain hitting the window pane as it starts to fall from above.

Distant sounds surround, as the sky appears so bright.

Sweet disturbance, keeps my mind awake.

As I hear the steady of the storm just barely setting in.

 

The bed begins to move, as your body begins to change.

My head falling lightly on your chest, resting.

Your heart beat, pulsing in my ear.

Falling easily back into sleep, to the safe sound of a rhythmical drum.

Reviews

[The Raven King]

You did a good job on this. You should write more poems without rhyming. I've found you can say more and be more impactful if you don't have the restraints of having to rhyme your lines. I don't know if you noticed but you continued rhyming in a way within your lines. You use a lot of alliteration (repetition of consonants) i.e. DiStant SoundS Surround aS the Sky appearS So bright/ Sweet Soothing Sounds ... Which is another way of creating vocal uniformity and aesthetic pleasantries to the ear. I love love love to rhyme. I do it all the time, even when i 'm not tryn. :) But my best work emerges when I pull away from the limitation of the rhyme and let my words ring out. Another fun thing to do is take out the -ings from words and see how it sounds. It compacts your poem and makes it more streamlined and more succinct. My one suggestion for this poem is in the second to last line. use a different word for beating. Good job.