Chapter One

In a Dystopian future, a young girl lives a trapped life inside the air purifier's radius. When she is forced to flee her village she realises that she is able to breathe in the toxic air outside...

Introduction

Prologue

With only a few hours of light each day, there was a growing darkness in my world.

The swollen orange sun was drifting away like a stranger. I sat in the ruins of a past civilisation and watched the tall pine trees sag in melancholy, their warmth slipping away. The outer leaves turned up in silver licks; emerald cheeks draining of colour.

A long time ago the world was living, but now it was slowing dying. The air was no longer breathable. My people survived in small pockets, relying on a village air purifier to clear the poisonous toxins.

We could never leave the monotonous bubble of safe air and I lived each day wondering what secrets lay hidden beyond the wall…

___________________________________________

Chapter One

The Danger Zone

Graffiti grew on the abandoned store fronts like a weed. I raced past the ruins, the heavy orange sun following my steps, a villain needed to be quick.

Jumping over the edge of a cement plank, the hot wind rushed past my mask. Sometimes, guards stalked this area, but for now I was alone. Safe from prying eyes I removed the dark red scarf covering my face. A sneaky grin crossed my freed lips.

The bundle in my arms bounced as I ran and I held it hard against my chest. A memory of the furious baker flashed through my mind. Her cheeks red and head bowed, she looked like a beast about to charge.

Trampling through the overgrown grass I reached the edge of the Danger Zone. An unknown territory that spelled freedom. And certain death.

One more step and the air purifier’s radius would no longer protect me. I would start to ingest the dangerous toxins haunting the world beyond. My insides would fizzle and decay until crimson-coloured bile bubbled out through my parted lips. At least, that’s what I have been told. I was trapped in an invisible cage of machine perfected air. Groaning, I realised I was holding the sugary loot a little too tight.

Looking down, I unfolded the dark blue wrapping of the small bundle. Sugar was hard to grow in our community, so it was valuable.  Unfortunately, this meant my favourite sweet treats were too expensive to buy on my own. Cue the villain status.

Robberies weren’t that bad. Right? Drooling over the desserts, I shoved six sugar coated buns into my face. It was the most my mouth could hold. Swallowing the delicious prize, I nodded to myself in triumph. Nice.

A river of sweat trickled down my spine. I instinctively fanned my loose green singlet, which was sticking to my warm skin. The dry wind clawed its way through the abandoned ruins and I shoved more sweets into my mouth.

I scanned the Danger Zone.

A tall mountain range divided the blushing sky. The trees stood like rigid emerald soldiers, daring me to make the first move. The orange sun drooped in the sky, barely able to see me over the heads of the tall pine army.

Across the field, almost hidden in the trees, something moved. My body tensed as I peered at the spot. There… behind the silver fern…

The shadowy outline of a man or tall boy.

Masked by the dark undergrowth, glowing yellow eyes stared back at me. Blinking, I gasped.

Half-chewed bread fell from my mouth. The eyes held my gaze.

He couldn’t be real.

“Hey!” A voice called from behind me and I turned to see Apen running up.

I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and squinted at the mysterious spot. The amber orbs were replaced by grey shrubbery. I shook my head in disbelief. No one could enter the Danger Zone without coughing up their insides. Trees sagged with indifference in the wind, as if no one had ever passed between their trunks.

Waving at his bouncing blonde head, I wiped sticky fingers on my loose khaki top, leaving sugary white prints. D****t. I looked down and a second groan escaped my mouth. I passed more of the loot through my parted lips.

“Hey,” I replied and swallowed the last of the food. I returned my gaze to the Danger Zone. Double checking the figure was indeed gone.

Apen walked over. His strong body stood tall beside me. “There’s just trees and sand out there, Saw. We’ve got it all here.” His dirty face turned into a warm smile. “But hey,” he laughed, “you’re actually gonna be called up for skipping work duty today.”

Whoops.

I often forgot work duty. No one usually noticed. Wait… was he mocking my dire situation? I punched his bicep in retaliation. Even as a sixteen year old girl, I was expected to work and pull my weight. My mother worked in the farming quarter, which meant I was raised and trained to follow in her sector. At least until I became a fledger.

“Ughhh,” I grumbled, foreseeing the headache coming my way. “Why didn’t you call me for roll marking?” Great. A robber and a slacker.

Apen contorted his face in an uncomfortable cringe. “Um, well...”

My left eye twitched in suspicion. “You didn’t mention this to my mum or anything, right?”

“Well…” His dirt-clad face started to wince and lack of eye contact betrayed him.

I threw my arm against his bicep. “D****t, Apen!”

“Hey!” He held up his hands in defeat. “I tried calling you, but your veil is up.”

My eyes widened. I always slept in veil mode to prevent updates or messages coming through, and regularly forgot to turn it off. Quickly raising my left arm, I pressed a heavy finger on the centre of my wrist and waited for the start-up screen. A thin rectangle shone through my skin and I swiped to deactivate the veil.

My finger hovered above the screen in hesitation. If I deactivated now, I’d get my mother’s angry messages. I think I’ll save that for later. The tech faded out due to inactivity and veil mode remained active. Ordinary, tanned skin returned. Yeah, I’ll turn it on later.

I looked up at the darkening sky. Daylight only lasted a few hours before the darkness took over. I sensed Apen’s posture straighten, as he grew more alert.

“We should head back,” his cool voice sounded small as the tepid wind whispered through the ruins. Distant growls could be heard in the forest. Dusk was a dangerous time in the village. It was as if the unknown came to life when the old sun fell asleep. Dark curtains draped over the foliage and swept towards us. I often spent my time running out to the edge of the Danger Zone to feel the wave of excitement and possibly wash over me. Everything changed when darkness strolled across the field.

“Let’s go.” I nodded, signalling Apen while acknowledging the strength of wild. It had beaten me today, but there was always tomorrow.

We wandered back through the forgotten city. Weaving through the stony maze, my leather boots kicked up a plume of dry dirt. The ruins looked like large, grey skeletons of ancient dinosaurs.

Apen jumped over the exposed carcass of a pick-up truck. “I don’t know why you’re obsessed with this place. It’s really creepy,” He glanced backwards and I could see his cheeky smrik. Scruffy hair bobbed as he jumped over the rustic building blocks.

I raced to catch up with him, wary of the night’s hot breath at the nape of my neck. “I dunno. I just can’t stand that our whole life has existed in a tiny bubble. I want to do something, I guess.” I shrugged effortlessly, but Apen seemed to sense I was hiding something. He was my best friend, after all. I smiled as we weaved between giant cement graves.

 “So,” pulling my long, ebony hair into a bun, I tried to change the subject. “How’s the lovely April going?”

Bony legs stuck out of my boots like antennas. The village was just ahead. A spot light beamed invitingly and we were greeted by the familiar humming sound of the air purifier.

Apen’s eyes bulged and he started choking. “Nothing. Why would anything be happening?”

I began laughing. Apen was a terrible liar. “Well, she gives me death looks every time we’re together. I’m just worried about my safety, you know.” I shot him my famous sneaky grin. “I don’t want her to slip me some sleeping pills and roll me into the Danger Zone…”

“She wouldn’t do that.” His hands flew up playfully, “she might just poison you; it’d be easier. And she wouldn’t have to lug your heavy body through the city.”

I laughed harder and by this time, Apen was laughing too. “Oh, sounds like you too are in it together.” I batted my eyes dramatically. “That’s so romantic.”

He shoved me and slicked back his hair. “I can’t help that every girl in the village is in love with me.”

“Oh my God,” I gripped my stomach for support. “I think it must be because of your humble personality.”

Apen gave me a gorgeous smile, revealing two rows of white teeth. “We both know it’s my dashing good looks.”

“Dashing.” I snorted. Yep, actually snorted. Like a pig.

We both lapsed into laughter. “She’s okay, Sawyer. I just don’t know how to tell her I’m not interested.” He looked up with a defeated expression.

“Hard life, huh.” I rolled my eyes.

Apen frowned. “It doesn’t help she also works in our farming sector.”

Our village consisted of a few hundred working civilians. We were a farming outpost, so most people worked in the agriculture section. Others served as guards or scientists. We were a quiet suburb, but nowadays the whole world was quiet.

We had stopped talking and fell into a comfortable silence, our minds were distracted.

Our village was bordered on one side by the Unnamed City. I was sure the ruins once had a name, but it was long forgotten. The city was a junkyard of cement waste and at its edge stood guarding evergreen trees, proudly wearing blood red crosses on their chest. This marked the perimeter of the Danger Zone.

The inky sky looked down on us. There were mammoth, steel-enforced walls surrounding the village. Even the farmlands were inside of the wall. It was all for our protection. Something evil lurked in the dark corners of the Danger Zone. Something even the toxins couldn’t eradicate. Something which might sneak into our village and destroy our purifier. My mind raced, maybe this something had yellow eyes.

We reached the wall. It loomed above, cold and unmoving, a strange contrast to the left over ruins. This part of the wall was one of the oldest tech designs. The metal panelling was tarnishing and peeling and the edges were a faded yellow colour. We pressed our inner forearms against a scanner. An eerie green light zig zagged across our exposed flesh and a soft beeping sound emanated from within the wall. This section always took longer to open. It used older technology. The rest of the wall was connected to our village grid and operated at a faster speed. But this part was unused and needed an upgrade. Upgrades were always slow in the outposts. It worked well for us, though. It meant that no one was watching and we could sneak back into the village.

The wall rumbled like a gluttonous stomach as the barely-visible grates came to life. These grates contained small cubed blocks, which slowly divided. The metal cracked like arthritic bones. An arching doorway eventually appeared in front of our small figures.

“I’ll see ya tomorrow.” Apen waved, giving me a sympathetic smile. He knew a storm was brewing at my home.

“Thanks.” I watched him jog down the mosaic of touchscreen panels that paved our street.

The technology in our tiny village was nothing spectacular, but it was still hypnotising to watch the street surface at night.

The streets used surface acoustic waves to register when someone was walking. The grid below our village measured footsteps like ultrasonic waves passing over a touchscreen. The panels lit up when something passes over them. The colours were sequenced to mimic a spectrum of florescent colours. It was a beautiful sight. The grid registered everyone’s location and checked for breaches. This made it hard to ditch work and leave the village unnoticed. But, if you searched hard enough, you could find holes in the grid.

Okay, enough distractions, time to face my mother.

My mud stained boots brushed over the panels and created a watercolour effect. I decided to finally turn veil mode off before returning home. Just to see what degree of trouble I was facing.

My left arm started vibrating like crazy, reacting to the influx of messages. My wrist transparency weakened, so I could read the Zips. The skin was weathered from frequently using my tech, but the touch screen was still highly sensitive. I flipped the screen into landscape mode. There were several Zips from Apen, but only two from my mother. I pressed down, before scrolling through and selecting the two Zips I dreaded reading.

              Mum: Why aren’t you at work? Is everything okay?

Not bad. But, I gulped before opening the second Zip.

              Mum: Sawyer, get home now. I need to speak with you.

The Zip flashed a raging red colour before fading away. The last message wasn’t too bad, although the red text was slightly concerning. Who was I kidding?

I ran towards home. A long streak of colour stretched out behind me as I ran.

Author's Note

Hi everyone,

I have a number of chapters already completed, but still waiting for me to edit! I'll be posting them soon :)

Just looking for feedback regarding my writing style. My target audience will most likely been teens and I'm wondering whether my writing is too flowery?

Also - is the start a little cliché of the Dystopian genre? Or just teen plots in general, with the whole 'I'm in trouble with mum because I don't understand the meaning of responsibility' kinda protagonist?

Feedback is totally welcomed! I'm looking to get this published one day and would really appreciate any comments/criticism.

Thanks!

Reviews

[Érenn]

Hi ^^ I am always the curious guy snooping around finding something interesting to read and I come across your page ^^ And I decided to give your book a try. And what were my thoughts on the write?? Well I based it on a few criteria I had in mind and here they are:

Language: I found your write to be interesting and to a certain extent poetic when it comes to the use of words and vocabulary. One must add that you invoke quite the imagery and ambience with your style of writing which is really good for something like this. Unfortunately there is also a but involved. This style of write hampers the pace of the write and I found this one a tad bit slower than it needed to be. One thing that could help in improving the pace is on cutting down a few words or re-framing certain sentences which make the write not only cleaner but more efficient. Your write is sophisticated yet at the same time some of your sentence structure is too complicated and that increases your word count unnecessarily and drags down the pace of the write. Also a few choices of words can be can be reviewed again or even struck off : like "stomach bile". Do you really need to mention stomach?

I am sorry if there were any grammatical errors I cannot pick them out since gaining this magical ability to ignore them to enjoy the plot and not waste every other second correcting them.

Build-up: In a book where one doesn't have a prologue it becomes further more necessary to concentrate on the build up since it's the opening act that will suck readers and make them want to read more. Your start reminded me a little about Ink Heart simply because just like that story there was literally nothing happening in the beginning and can make a reader stop reading the context after a certain amount of script is read. Although yours had vivid description of the Danger Zone, there wasn't much happening around. Apen coming into the scene meant dialogues, and in this case the whole conversation between Sawyer and Apen felt really slow. Maybe one reason could be because of describing every little action to such detail (really drags down the pace) and also the fact that you describe the characters' physical features quite late into the chapter, (which causes their physical appearance to fluctuate throughout the read in my mind) It can get annoying sometimes. Nothing really transpired in this chapter so to speak, it was spent all on describing the places a little excerpt on Tempest and the Unknown city and for me the only thing that piqued my attention a lot was about the evil lurking in the Danger Zone, if only a glimpse of this evil was shown somewhere here, it would have made it even more interesting and catchy. Still many things to like about like how you have talked about the walls and the city and a few other places. The transitioning from one topic to another was pretty cool and very smooth so well done there.. I know some writes are meant to start slow before they pace up but you still have to throw some elements in other than normal gadgets and infrastructure which would intrigue the reader and would want to know more about those elements as the story progresses.

Character Build and Dialogue delivery: I think you have done a good job as far as the character introductions are concerned but as I mentioned before I wished for the features to have been more defined and mentioned a little earlier in the chapter if possible, especially Apen, I can understand Sawyer being the narrator that her description might not be given at the start. The characters seem somewhat interesting, nothing much showed here that I could judge them upon (presuming these two will become major characters in this book.) Dialogues are realistic but they can still be tweaked a little. Maybe you know add a little bit of humor in between, it helps in two ways. a)keeps the write interesting since the start is not having any events (significant ones) as such and humor is a good substitute for when scenes are devoid of action.

Story Quality(so far): I will give this one a 9.3/10 (One improves as time passes on and works on the same write tirelessly trying to make it better) Gave me a Hunger Games feeling when you mentioned the a city outside those walls but then again I am pretty sure many others would give this same feeling. Love the few gadgets you have introduced here and the workings of the wall. The air purification clause is actually nice (though a little cliched) You have done a wonderful job when it comes to providing ambience for the readers to dive in and enjoy the read As I said before lack of action or no mention of anything action related does make it a dull read from time to time since the pace is monotonous.

Other things worth mentioning: I really like the efforts you have taken to sound original when it comes to description. For example: "hpunched the bicep" Now normally people would say a soft hit to the shoulder or something like that. Love the color code scanning ground, which I found unique in some ways. Although I would say go beyond rainbow colors if possible or maybe define this set of rainbow colors a little different from the cliched VIBGYOR (a chance where you can add an interesting concept about how color is different in this land and all)



Conclusion: Overall it was a good read and engages the reader enough to read the next chapter. The message part is actually a nice ending since there's this certain feeling created that the mother has asked Sawyer to come back fast for maybe more than just missing the work. So that's a certain kind of feeling created. And since your target audience is teenagers (I am turning 20 soon) So I believe it's good enough, although I would always say to add elements and make it more engaging as well. Well I will read the next chapter soon ^^

Thank you for sharing ^^

P.S I have a tendency to skip words since my mind's running faster than my hands. Hopefully no important word missed that would make my statement vague or give it a different meaning all together. Also I hope I didn't sound harsh or mean, if I did I deeply apologise for I had no such intention except for stating my honest opinions on the write

[Grimmmes]

Thaaaank you so much for the constructive feedback!

I feel too many people see long chapters and skim over it to write a short review, and I really appreciate the time you put into this detailed and considerate feedback.

I have made some changes and I'm so embarrassed to have started in such a boring way! I literally teach students to start with In Medias Res, and I haven't taken it on board my own writing.

I love that you've considered different story elements and I will pay closer attention to these points. I'm really worried my writing is too flowery and not very engaging. I love painting a beautiful picture with my words, but this does distract from the story a lot too. I'm working on finding that balance. I also stress that my vocab might be reaching a little, as my target audience would be teenagers.

Thank you again, I'm going back through and re-writing this chapter. The others are hopefully more eventful! I have so much trouble setting the ground work because I just want to jump into the story line, but it's like setting up a game of chess and I need to make sure each piece is in it's correct place.

Anyway, thank you again and I'll definitely be checking out your own work too!

[Érenn]

You're welcome, indeed it's never easy to set things up ^^ The fact is here I only post poems (honestly never wrote a poem before the start of February this year after I joined the cafe) although my forte or interests actually lie in prose writes, in fact I am trying to establish a 14 book novel series myself [started it last year] Am done with 2 already (drafts editing is a continuous process and always there's something or the other one would want to change) and more than half way through the third one. Problem is time seems to be my greatest enemy atm so very difficult for me to write more. Plus English isn't my native tongue so for me keeping in touch with the language and increasing my command over the language was a must. That's when I decided to write poetry to fine tune my skills and also improve my command and comfort over the language. And believe me it has helped me a lot. My writes have become a lot cleaner and crisper when it comes to prose writing as well ^^ And as far as the review here I gave is concerned.... The only reason I have improved so much in such less time is because of the constructive criticism i received from a few here. So all I try to do is be as helpful as possible with my reviews as well ^^ Besides reviewing a story is much easier for me rather than poems and also I enjoyed reading your write. And don't worry since you have the ability to be too flowery you can easily create a very dark atmosphere as well with your write when you want to ^^ And feel free to notify me whenever you want me to read something I will gladly read them and share my views on it ^^ And sure you can read and share your views on my writes and don worry I always appreciate any suggestions one has to offer on my write ^^

[child of God]

This is really good caught my eye I love sci-fi this you already wanting to read more my only suggestion is more creative names for the town's and cites but I'm just a 19 year old there is not much I can do to help but I love this chapter

[Grimmmes]

Hey, thanks so much for the review! Yeah I was trying to pick the most interesting names for towns, as they're all allusions to TS Eliot poems. The names of places will make more sense as the story progresses, and obviously if you've read Eliot's work lol. Anyway, thanks a bunch for reading! :)

[Raina Mist]

This is really cool! I like how you added all the new tech and stuff. Whenever I try to add things like that to my stuff, I always end up copying someone else. Awesome job! I really wanna read the next chapters!

[Grimmmes]

Thank you so much for reading my work! I'll have another chapter up tonight :) and dw I know exactly what you mean, even with the tech concepts in my story, I still feel like I'm following too closely to other things! Hopefully it's still original enough!!