I want to die, I want to not

I want to die. And I want to not
My limp existence can't decide
Can't love my soul nor let it rot
Can't keep my mind nor fall beside

My heart is black, a velvet veil
Over it hung, to hide the hole
Clings it yet to virtue still
Virtue ashen, as lightless coal

My blueprint lives, though I live not
My soul slumps, it's dragged along
By moving skeletons of what it ought
But void of wind and life and song

I want to die, I can't feel, can't feel
Through this smother of warm wet blank
It engulfs me head, then heart, then heel
Gloom sans surface, I simply sank

Heart seeks end, its warmth has died
But mind yet breathes on my chill form
Two things estranged, my soul astride
Torn and turbulent, a soundless storm

I am as ice. I want to die
But Light won't leave the blind man's shell
It brings no warmth, but lit the sky
Its call to march rang still in hell

I want to die, but march behind
The world's own Light, to God knows where
Mercy, cold but real, I find
In sleep that melts my sightless stare