The Man Who Took A Knee

story

I had every intention of doing what I always do.
Walking away.
When I feel as though I can't cope with my feelings, I walk away.
When things don't go according to my grand plan, I walk away.
When I'm angry, when I'm not in control, I walk away.
When I can't manage my feelings due to my parent's failure to socialize me properly,
I walk away.
When I don't understand the feelings of others, and take into account only my own,
I walk away.
I was halfway packed today, on a knee, and getting ready to do what I always do....walk away.
But in the instant, in that place, I realized that I'm not indestructible. I can bleed.
I can be hurt.  I can be maimed. 
I realized in that instant that I'm not perfect.  I realized she never asked me to be.
In that instant, I checked my gut.  I sensed no danger.  It was pride and anger that drove me to take a knee.
I realized in that moment that I was down on a knee prepared to do what I always do to the one person who gave of herself to me despite me having nothing.
I realized in that moment that my anger, my desperation, my sadness, my insecurity...
it was not her fault. 
I realized it's wrong to ask of someone to make up for what someone else did to you.

I got down on that knee, and she said to me. "if you walk out that door, It will be the last time."

I stayed on that knee for a moment, and arose...a different man.  A focused man.
The man I've always wanted to be. 

Alketa, It is you that makes me this man when I can't find the strength to be him.
It is you that let's me explore myself freely without making me feel even the tiniest bit of guilt.

It is you who believes me me, and for that, I will get down on that knee to pack my suitcase no more.

I love you,

Jay