The Do Do's And Don't Do's Of Interdimensional Wormhole Travel

A Story by Jogiff

A peristaltic joyride (I know, whaaa...?)

The Do Do's And Don't Do's Of Interdimensional Wormhole Travel
"A peristaltic joyride (I know, whaaa...?)"

Deep within the inky black star dusted fields of space by aspect of which might it be perceived as if the Hand of God had thrown a fistful of incandescent glitter unto the void, a crack appears. Inexorably does this improbable rent grow into a huge irregular gash, swelling again to become a vaguely obscene, reddish gaping infection upon the face of any line of sight suns within the surrounding local group. Blue and purplish low lights flecked with lightning dapple an irradiated nimbus of swirling dried blood stained particle clouds, roiling and boiling within the interior. Ballooning and spreading the "Anomaly" slowly begins to find it's shape in a ragged "O", just as a large wetly gleaming dull silver cone of planar regularity begins to emerge from a clinging, sparkly skirt of center mass. Yet for all it's apparent drag on this artifact, the Anomaly suddenly appears to bear down in a great mirage of contraction, pinching free the stupendous carriage of what must be a ship of space in a humongous afterbirth of globular ejecta made of some indeterminate, gooey semisolid.

Imagine if you will, a future wherein the important supporting role of dung throughout the millennia has been truly understood, and those benefits derived from the essential and yes, healthy components found within the fundament of terrestrial ecology have been fully recognized, even celebrated; a time when this humble human/animal digestive product by virtue of it's very ubiquity must occasionally remind us of the importance of general hygiene and efficient solid waste management. There's a National T**d Day, turds on stamps and bumper stickers, on doors denoting unisex bathroom facilities and on many another suitable iconic signage. Though "Eau d' Merde" cologne must await an even further dung-flung future for it's realization, crapola is no longer a term derogatory. Oh and how 'bout this instant classic: A giant bronzed t**d placed upon a great pedestal right outside the Metropolitan Museum of Art complete with metal flies attached by thin wires, nodding and dancing in the breeze...

OK, so you've decided to go where some men have gone before and become a wormhole jockey. I know that just sounds wrong but there you go. First of all you're going to need something called a "Spatial Distortioner/Field Dampener", commonly known as a wormhole gun. This item comes in a do-it-yourself assembly kit packaged for installation onto the roof of your (hopefully) spaceworthy vehicle, mounting sconce and welding instructions usually included. Now the SD/FD is a truly remarkable and historic game changer with untold potential for advancement to humanity if not outlawed due to misuse anytime soon. However...

"The possibilities of lost In space tragedies for Spatial Distortioner/Field Dampener equipped vehicles are many but can be substantially mitigated by operator adherence to the highest standards of interdimensional travel safety. Any and all so equipped vehicles are subject to random inspection and must contain at least one copy of the official "Wormhole Safety Manual" or risk impoundment. Its the law!" Well that's my court ordered PSA for the month.

Now the Spatial Distortioner, you guessed it - distorts space by producing a temporary dimensional opening by way of a focused energy beam combined with a series of ultra high frequency magnetic oscillations. These "ossies" are produced by six precisely calibrated electromagnets situated along the barrel of the gun, three to a side. Once the magnets' optimum on/off cycling frequency for discharge has been computationally verified, pushing the cool green-lit "Dimensional Effectuator" button on the handheld from safely inside the vehicle will discharge the gun. The power of a plutonium/ion engine within the ship's core will then supermagnetize and focus the exponentially increasing energy flow coming from the business end of your Distortioner, instantaneously destabilizing whatever matters' within a ship sized area on contact, dissolving atoms into their constituent particles by reversing polarity from the nano level up, according to various non chronological quantum mechanical protocols. Within milliseconds of the release of these particles from sequentially deconstructing atoms in their kazilli-ili-illions, there will appear a "rift" or void that can be manipulated electromagnetically into a kind of tube to anywhere in the known universe - if you've got the programmable routes to get there. Using computers, lots of equations and a couple of nerds these routes can be determined for places no human would ever otherwise see up close and personal. Just point and shoot then ShazzizleCrack!Kazzzzttt... POP! - you'll have your very own travelin' 'hole to the stars; a snug little interdimensional love nest where you and crew can party hearty until its time to be squirted back out into normal space. Oh and its always a good idea to bring along a couple of extra 'suits. I mean, what if you and crew've been all hours partying and someone suggests a game of Shipmate Roulette? Well you don't want to be rude!

The Field Dampeners' for when you've arrived at your destination, no doubt set within a vast panorama of millions of stars bejeweling a jet black backdrop like diamonds on 3D velveteen, though you'll be maybe too hung over to appreciate the grandeur. Even so, once you've heard the microwave-like "ding" of your ships' arrival tone you will have reached a point in interdimensional space/time where/when you should begin preparations for "Evacuation Mode".

Welcome to Evac mode! First you're going to stick your nose on out the ol' 'hole crack and sniff around, and by nose I mean Perimeter Mast and by 'hole crack I mean - well you get the picture. Now the PM is basically a long titanium mesh sleeved pole liberally studded with normal and hyperspatially sensitive enviro-sensors for your protection. Upon arrival the PM automatically deploys, seamlessly extending out from the forward/top of the ship's hull through a small mast sized opening dampened in the "ceiling" of your wormhole. The technical term for this opening is "Temporary Aperture", but I prefer 'hole crack. It just has a more familiar if not altogether tasteful ring as it rolls off the tongue, don't you think?

Astrolube, (warning! - not to be used for purposes not intended) is an electrochemically charged jelly designed to be frictionless with a baked-in atomic fiberlastic bonding that makes it as a practical matter, indestructible. The more you try to burn it, freeze it or whatever it, it just seems to gain more strength to resist whatever's trying to deconstruct it. Once activated it will enhance and/or variably alter its own molecular structure at the atomic level while learning to defend itself through a host of quantum entanglement processes not entirely understood by most folks including yours truly. Astrolube will however, counteract or otherwise neutralize any chemical reactions inimical to itself as it remains fully insular against Mother Nature's arsenal of heat, ice, radiation etc. while retaining viscosity, making it the perfect lubricant for wormhole egress.

Meanwhile back at the raunch...

Once the mast cleans, I mean clears the 'hole proper you're gonna be peeping periscope style out into ambient space. Your PM will sniff out meteor swarms, space aliens, crazy strong gravitational fields, insane radiation levels and anything else known to be injurious to ship or man. You'll want to bring along a couple of spares just in case the original gets fried, frozen and/or snapped off.

Still in Evac Mode, the Dampener further decreases/increases the Distortion field around the vessel at algorithmically predetermined bio-based sphinctoral "squeeze points" along the hull calculated as safest for wormhole contraction while opening a hole in front of the ship that looks like an asterisk about the size of a dinner plate you wouldn't want to eat from called an annulus, for some reason. Slowly will it begin to expand, pulsing softly (ooh! Daddy like). This salatiously pleasing effect is merely a function of the rate at which the Dampener calculates and recalculates the rate of annulus expansion necessary for the smooth breach, accommodation and evacuation of your ship. The continual and strategic weakening/strengthening of the 'hole walls will gradually move the ship forward and through the firm, butt undulatory grip of your Astrolube soaked annulus and back out into normal space (see opening paragraph). Beebo science at its finest!

But if your new Spatial Distortioner/Field Dampener Wormhole Gun suddenly decides to take a crap on you, you won't be in a world of of s***. Space, unlike Nature does not abhor a vacuum - it IS a vacuum. So when space tries to bite you in the a*s while you're evacuating, it only wants to reclaim that dimensional air pocket you've recently appropriated. It wants it's vac back and will make that happen at any and every opportunity. Just make sure your ship is liberally slathered with a thick coating of good ol' Astrolube and you'll be well, good to go.

OK, so what actually does happen when old Stormy the Wormhole gets a little cranky, not to mention dangerously anal retentive? I mean, what if its raining s*** bombs out there in some swirling gaseous Hell of an infant galactic star nursery and the coordinates for your return destination weren't correctly entered into the NAV 'puter, but only because SOMEBODY spilled her fruit smoothie with the flax seeds all over the input logs and then incredibly, took those same logs and tried to wipe the mess up ruining the data irretrievably? Well it happened to us, just think "cluster". Now anything can go wrong at any time so ALWAYS HAVE A BACKUP PLAN FOR ANY CONTINGENCY HAVING TO DO WITH THE OPERATION OF YOUR VESSEL! That's what saved our a*s back there in Hell's little half acre though it was a tense and tearful hour and a half before a backup copy for the input logs was finally located.

The following are two of the most likely scenarios for wormhole failure, the first is just a do-over but the second - Holy S***!:

1) You're in Evac Mode and Old Stormys' feeling a tad peckish today. He's just about had enough of you always opening his butt up to some drafty air pocket and he's been wanting to slap you down with a big 'ol vac-smack for quite a while now. No worries! When that outraged and choleric 'hole tries to bring the pain, our old friend Astrolube will help keep you from being snapped in half like a number two pencil by a deranged nerd. You'll just get bounced a little further back up inside for a soft landing inside that ornery ol' 'hole.

2) OK so you're about three quarters of the way through the "A" gate and you're thinking how cool it'd be to bring along a copy of the Kama Sutra to that first date you've finally finagled with a certain shapeshifting alien Demonoid princess when wham! - down comes Old Stormy like the Hand of God wiping out some Sodomites. As long as you didn't forget to resupply the Astrolube wells you should be instantly squirted in through the out door on out the a*s end of creation for an unscheduled Grand Tour of the Universe like God just fired off a missile into a great sea of waste, I mean space. Whee!