Incarceration - Part I

Ever wondered why I am different when I am outside and/or inside the ward? When I am outside the chokey the madness of being normal sinks in to my being and delivered me from all burdens, problems, undesirable something one is bound to do, and many more.

When I am outside of the chokey, most of the people that surrounds me say, "You're such a lovely girl. I cannot believe you are being conferred to as undependable and uncareful. You have such a heavy burden because you understand life. But why cannot they understand where you are coming from?"

And I would answer them, "I do not know. Maybe because they will never see me as me. As the changed me. In their eyes, I am still the immature teenager 5 years ago. They refused to believe it. It's okay, maybe this is what I get for being such a foolish girl."

As heavy as my cross could be, I can still manage to smile and have a great time with my friends. I could still hide my animosity towards life... my own life. Although, I never really wanted any of this. I have plans of my own. Dreams of my own. But that was years ago... way way back even before I realized I never wanted anything but to please my wardens. Now, there are only broken dreams, folded plans in life, and ruined soul. These three are tightly knitted and there are no more space for mending this shattered pieces of my existence. The scars of my wounds are there for every one to see. Each of which has their own stories to tell and why they are there. And each represents a week of shedding tears and an eternity of silence for reasons that must not be known to others. It was forbidden.

I am often shut before I could open my lips to speak. It happens everyday of my life. I am a person with no rights. No freedom. And to make matters worse, we have lots of animal from the barn yard who also wished to step into the limelight. So, what they do is look for a better opportunity to have a good role inside our life's story. They thought that they are helping us. Well, congratulations~! You are certainly helping us to make everything else worst inside this ward. You animals are one sided. You never get to hear my side of story. So, how can you possibly judge me? And what nerve do you have for throwing those stones to me? Fix your lives first before you mind ours as it is, first and foremost, our business and not yours.

I am not in the state to tell lies, deceive, delude, misguide, misinform, misinstruct, mislead, exaggerate, or misstate... Everything around me inside the ward is already an illusion. What more would I want but the truth... out in the open. And there are no other ways to tell it but into my journals. I am not even allowed to say it here on FB as this will surely make a ruckus. BUT WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME?

The only person I could talk to about this is already somewhere out there. I would not dare tell it to anyone else. It will reach the wardens in 3seconds... giving them, yet again, the authority to chastice me verbally. And, I have no rights to say a word about it. Because the wardens wanted an immaculate fabricated story that they have finished woven even before it has happened. So, the myriads or the higher authority (the animals) would have a firm conviction that everything these wardens profess... is the absolute truth. They have no disposition to themselves to know the real truth. The warden wanted a clean image. They wanted control. They wanted power. They wanted domination. And no one is going to ruin it for them. Not even kindred soul.

Honestly, I didn't know where I am more free... Inside or outside. What's the difference. It has similar effects on me. Everything gives me a wound that would never heal.


........................to be continued.



As promised...........................

July 12, 2010

"I am surrounded by dead people." I cannot remember from which movie I have heard this. It does not differ from where I am standing. The whole confinement seemed like a ghost town abandoned for decades. Silent. Mysterious. Dangerous, in any aspect imaginable.

*sorry... too much pissed off to write... I'll continue later.*

August 01, 2010

Inside my cell, there are no window. Just a small square opening at the ceiling for the exhaust fan that didn't work. The walls are painted black. The ambiance is suffocating. Everywhere I turn, there's no one there for me.

*---- darn it~! i'll never get to finish this_________*