Nutjob

The beginning may be dry because of personal aspects, but I think the ending is worth the read. Enjoy!

Two months after I turned 17 I was in the hospital for my third suicide attempt.

I could have succeeded and not been here today, and that's exactly what I wanted at the time, that's what I had wanted for years.

My life hasn't been a train wreck of tragic events, my mental health simply is not able to keep up with itself.

Admittedly, by 17 I had experienced more than I wanted to deal with, and I was hardly surviving, obviously.

Now I'm in college, the place that I believed for a long time would change it all.

But it doesn't work that way.

I don't know what led me to think that as soon as I drove out of my hometown my life would turn around for the better because it didn't.

The mental health issues are still here, the flashbacks are still here, I am still the same person and I possess the same mind I did when I was 17 in the bed of a psych ward.

But I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to be trapped, I don't want to be caught up in old pain, I'm stuck now and I need to change it

What has changed is what I want.

I no longer hope that a car crash will take my life, or a freak accident will put me in a coma.

I hope for life

I will not die to my own hand until I have smiled, laughed, eaten spaghetti in Italy, lived in Bali, had a child, worked in a tattoo parlor, done art in the mountains, fallen in love again.

I want to travel so much that no one can catch me, I want to learn so much my head explodes, I want to create until my hands fall off, I want to love until I break my own heart. Yeah maybe I'm putting too much on my shoulders but what is so wrong with shooting for the stars. Why don't we try?

These are thing people dream of, but they aren't just dreams.

That is what we are here for, to fill ourselves with life.

We are born with able bodies capable of adventure and exploration of the world and of ourselves.

That is not something we should take for granted

We should always respect our earth, our people, our creatures, our bodies, but we should also take advantage of exploring them

Everything in the universe is yours to discover so why put that to waste worrying about being part of the percentage that drops out of college. What does that matter when you're on a plane to Ireland to visit distant family you haven't had the chance to meet

Yeah it might seem crazy, sitting in my dorm room trying to explain to my mother over the phone that “I just want to live” but so what?

If finding my peace makes me crazy then write nutjob on my gravestone, I'll be smiling six feet under

Reviews

[Xander West]

I am glad to see you expressing your pain through writing. I tend to do the same, to write and process emotions. I rarely share emotionally charged pieces though. The fact you did shows are you brave. I hope to read more of your work soon.

[kaimartin]

thanks so much!

[kihisu chisho]

I like it. I like your imaginary used in this poem. and BTW I think accident is often cause when people are careless(I didn't mean to say you are careless, accident is a fate too) well but often. I enjoyed very much.....cool poem.