A Male's Adventures In Shopping

A man forgets his wife's shopping list when he has to go shopping at a megastore. What he decides to do and who he meets drive the narrative

 

 

A MALE’S ADVENTURES IN SHOPPING

 

 

As soon as he slipped through the sliding door of the Jumbomart Supermegastore, Sam realized he had made a mistake.

A big mistake.

He had forgotten his shopping list. He looked in his right pocket, then his left pocket, then his back right pocket, then his back left pocket, then the funny pockets down close to his knees. Nothing.

And the last thing that Junie, his dear, beloved, exasperated wife had said to him before he left home was, “Don’t forget the list before you leave home.” And he had nodded and not really thought about what she had said until just now. So going home twenty miles to retrieve it was out of the question.

Sneaking home maybe, but not simply going home.

And no cell phone, which had been left behind precisely so Junie couldn’t call with additional, “necessary” items.

He looked around vaguely. With a list, he had stood a chance of getting through the store by heading only to certain departments. Without a list and in a smaller, regular, normal store, he stood a chance of getting through it by going aisle to aisle and letting visual stimuli jog his memory.

But here? With acres and acres, miles and miles, aisle after aisle after aisle after…?

“Here you are, sir.” An elderly gentleman wearing a pink vest with “Gerald” on the name tag was slowly, almost visibly, pushing a cart in his direction. He reached out to take the cart, as much to keep Gerald from having to push the cart any further as to take it to use. The poor guy was already wheezing and needed to lean against a post to catch his breath before heading back to the cart stand for another one. Sam looked down at the cart. Apparently he was committed now. He didn’t really want to have Gerald go to the trouble of taking the cart back.

So he slowly began walking in the direction that the cart was already facing, to the far right of the store. Sam thought he might as well start using the aisle-by-aisle method and see how far he got. He didn’t look behind him to see how far he did have to get. That sort of goal was bound to be self-defeating.

A large woman with two young noisy children in her cart and three not-quite-so-young noisy kids hanging on to her legs and the sides of the cart pushed by him. The sounds of “Mommy, can we get some…?” actually seemed to be getting louder as the family moved further away. He slowed a little more to let the distance grow, but was bumped from behind.

“Excuse me, but can I get to the tanning lotion?”

He glanced over to see an older woman, old enough to be his grandmother, or maybe even his grandmother’s grandmother, gesturing to the display next to him. He realized he was blocking her reach, muttered, “I’m sorry”, and resumed pushing the cart.

It seemed a long way even to this end of the store. Whoever had first thought that a store this big was a good idea? And he hadn’t even started yet. Along the front was apparently the seasonal displays  -  such as the tanning lotions, swim fins, small surf boards (for what? There wasn’t an ocean for thousands of miles), small wading pools (must be for the small surf boards), beach towels, beach chairs, and so on and so on. And it was March. Come summer, Sam realized, these items would no longer be considered seasonal and he would be seeing rows of jackets and back-to-school supplies. Commercial establishments always seemed to be anticipating potential consumer wants, but not addressing their urgent, immediate needs.

This wasn’t helping. Nothing in the cart and nothing coming to mind. Sam was tempted to grab a towel just to have something in the cart. He gave in to temptation and started looking through a colorful pile of them. Didn’t want a big fish, or a sand castle, or a bikini-clad female (well…, but he was going to be in enough trouble with Junie). He finally found one that was just bright colored stripes and thought that it would do.

Now, he had actually started shopping. On to the next department.

Which happened to be shoes. Sam didn’t remember shoes on the list, but was there anything else  -  shoe laces, slippers, insoles?

“Excuse me, but can I get to the shoe polish?”

Surprised, Sam recognized his grandmother’s grandmother again. “Sure, sorry.” He pushed his cart slowly onward, but slowed again when he heard loud familiar voices from the next aisle  -  “Mommy, can we get…?” What could they possibly be whining about in the shoes?

He at least thought he should be hanging around in men’s shoes, but after seven aisles of women’s slippers, he grabbed a pair of those (for her birthday, he thought) and gave up on anything masculine.

Now Sam was in the auto parts area (Really? Next to the shoes?). He knew there wasn’t anything on the list, but before he could move on…

“Excuse me, could I get to the motor oil?”

Was she following him? He pushed on to the household goods - pots, pans, blenders, toasters, microwaves, ovens, refrigerators, freezers, then more pots and pans. There was an egg baster. He had no idea what that was, but he knew they didn’t have one. Into the cart.

A large man was walking towards him. Straight at him. In household goods.

“Don’t you know my wife?”

Sam looked up at all six feet, six inches (or thereabouts) of the man. At the cut-off sleeves on the motorcycle jacket to make room for the muscles, at the tattoos of barbed wire and “Make War, Not Lov”, and at the full beard circling the mouth with at least two teeth missing.

“Not, not that I know of…”

“Sure you do. From work. We met at the picnic last summer for her law firm.”

“I don’t work for a law firm. What’s your wife’s name?”

“Carol Warner. She’s an associate. I thought you were one too.”

Sam didn’t know the name, but deep, deep in his mind he was almost consciously considering saying, “Oh, you mean Sugarlips?”, then the guy cracked his knuckles and that thought died a quick death.

“No, I work in the schools. I’m a teacher.” Inwardly he grimaced and thought, I should have said I was a cop.

The guy then smiled, but it wasn’t a big improvement.

“Oh, I thought you were one of those guys who is always flirting with her. You look just like him. But, nah, he had more muscle than you do, and with his hair slicked back, and no moustache.”

He stuck out his hand. Sam gingerly took it and they shook, the other man’s grip just strong enough to let Sam know where he stood.

“Well, have a good day anyway.” The man grabbed a potholder from a pile and a bottle of dishwashing detergent and walked away. Sam took a potholder too. You can’t have too many potholders.

At the far end of the aisle, an attractive blonde flashed by. Sam at least had a direction to go now. So long as she wasn’t “Carol Warner”. By the time he reached that intersection, she was nowhere in sight, but he was moving.

Toys and games. Mostly for little kids. Junior (not really, his name was Bert) was eight, almost too big for many of these, so Sam looked more closely to see if there was anything more appropriate.

“May I help you, sir?”

Sam looked up and saw Gerald leaning against a display, breathing heavily. How did he get here? This was a long ways for him to go.

“Didn’t I see you at the front door?”

In a trembling voice, “Yes, sir, but that shift has ended. I am now in children’s toys. Is there anything that I can help you with?”

“Uh, no….I’m, uh, just looking for my, uh, son.”

“Whatever you say, sir. If you need any assistance, I will be right here, or right there, if I can find a chair.”

Gerald slowly, slowly, moved away. Slowly.

“Ma’am, can I help you?”

Sam looked further in that direction and saw the large woman with the umpteen kids. “Mommy, can we get…? Mommy, I want… Mommy, I got to go…” He picked out a bag of toy soldiers (actually cowboys and Native-Americans  -  really, that’s what the bag says now?) and pushed his cart to the adult games.

Yes, the adult games and toys.

“Excuse me, can I get some…?”

He didn’t wait to hear the rest of it and moved to the family games, where he pulled down some game involving dice and a board and few directions.

Women’s clothing. Damn, he hoped Junie hadn’t wanted anything there. The blonde zipped by, but he left her to it, and took twenty minutes to get through the two-thirds of the store that women’s garments took up. At least Sam was now through most of it.

One rack of men’s shorts, and that was it for the men’s section. Then children’s clothing. Junie always picked out Bert’s stuff and would have appended a “but” to anything he bought for Bert. “It looks nice, but….It’s a good color, but…”

Now he was in appliances and electronics. He could spend some time in here  -  see just how big the new TV screens were, if there were any new video games, check out the gadgets world. Sam racked his brain, trying to think of something relevant that would give him a good excuse to look around. A GPS? No, they used their phones now for that. Did Junie need something for her camera? He was sure she would have emphasized that. How about the videos? They had a good collection of old TV series, but that was more him than her. But, just in case, he browsed for a little while, making a mental note of possible birthday gifts for himself, or Bert. Oh, what the heck. He picked up the first season of Washington Slept Here, a popular family sitcom about the mayor of a small Midwestern town, for both of them.

Sam couldn’t think of any more ways to waste time in this section. Except for the new refrigerators with drink dispensers for more than just water. Apparently you can now hook it up for beer (just keep it away from the kids). And some of them even had a television screen implanted in the middle. Now you didn’t have to go get a beer only during commercials. If there was somewhere to relieve yourself, you could just sit in front of your fridge all day long and never get up.

Time to move on to the groceries. This probably comprised most of Junie’s list. He knew there were some food items that you could get only at the Jumbomart Supermegastore. If he only remembered what they were.

In the dairy section, Gerald was trying to add more gallon milk jugs to the milk display, but he was having a hard time lifting and placing. Sam hadn’t realized he had spent enough time in the videos for Gerald to move so far.

“Here, let me help you with that.” Sam took the jug from him and put it into place.

“Thank you, sir, but this is what I get paid to do.”

“Okay.” Sam took the next jug quickly from him and set it on his buggy. That was one less Gerald was going to have to handle.

“Excuse me, can I get to the butter?” The elderly lady again.

Gerald quickly straightened and stepped spryly to that section.

“Certainly, Madam. Let me get that for you. One pound or two?”

“Oh, let’s go with two. You never know when it may come in handy.”

Sam had been going to get some butter too, but decided to let the couple have their moment in private. He picked up a dozen eggs, and ignored the cottage cheese and yogurt. If they were on the list, they could stay there.

He saw the blonde turn the corner out of paper goods. Toilet paper went into the cart. Whether it was on the list or not, you couldn’t go wrong with toilet paper. Maybe a roll of aluminum foil while he was at it.

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou. Add a little cheese, and he could tell Junie he had been distracted by thoughts of a romantic picnic. Though Bert would also have to go on the picnic. Which meant chips and hot dogs and no further thoughts of romance.

The aisle of cleaning supplies. He had no idea which detergent to get, laundry or dishes, so grabbed both.

“Mommy, I want…” Not detergent. Maybe the next aisle was cookies. But it was soups and international foods. Really? They wanted something from India or Mexico? Well, Sam wanted taco mixes and also Wheetabix from Great Britain. The Great Britain selection was small  -  not very many distinctive foods from there. Ah, a sixpack of Orangina, you couldn’t get that in their neighborhood store.

Cereals, crackers, and coffees. The three Cs. A box from each of some little-known brand, to justify having gone this far to buy them. He didn’t even know they had coffee in a box.

He skipped the canned fruits and vegetables. Produce would hold better choices.

In the next aisle, he found Gerald helping his new friend with an extra-large jar of very creamy peanut butter and moved past. It was amazing how fast Gerald was moving now.

And Sam was moving quickly too. He had been shopping long enough. Two packs of cookies  -  Bert’s favorite and something new, and the extra-dark chocolate candy bar that he knew Junie loved.

Juices and soft drinks. He looked for that ginger ale that was associated with one of those young adult movies that were popular now, and was mildly surprised when he actually found it.

At the end of the aisle were the meats, and the tail end of the blonde leaving again. He found bratwurst, and chorizo, and mettwurst, and Italian sausage, and kielbasa, and breakfast sausage patties and links. For some reason, Junie never bought any of these, so Sam stocked up. For her, one filet of steel-head trout should do it.

The frozen foods were next. Tempting, tempting, tempting. Instant dinners, ice creams, pizzas. Ok, a pizza with everything. For supper tonight, in case he was supposed to have gotten something else. In the likelihood that he was supposed to have gotten something else.

Finally, produce, and beyond the produce were the checkout lines. The end was in sight. He scanned quickly, looking for stuff he couldn’t normally get. Uglifruit went in the buggy, plantains, pluots, Newfoundland cabbage, French onions, (“Excuse me, can I get to the garlic paste?”), white asparagus from Germany, Peruvian lima beans. Whatever looked different.

Gerald appeared. “Let me take your cart for you, sir”

Sam was surprised enough to let him, and found that Gerald was good enough to find a checkout lane that was empty and far away from the “Mommy, we want…” family.

After unloading everything, he thought to check his pockets for the checkbook. Amazingly, he had remembered that.

Sam looked at his watch as he headed toward the car. Two and a half hours. More shopping time than he would have wished on anyone, though he knew Junie would just have been getting started (as he had personally experienced).

He loaded everything in the trunk, then opened the driver’s door… and stopped dead in his tracks.

On the front seat was a piece of paper that looked suspiciously like a list. A shopping list. The shopping list. He picked it up, glancing briefly, just long enough to realize it actually was very short, but not long enough to read what he should have gotten. He didn’t want to know.

Looking around the parking lot, he balled up the paper in his fist, but didn’t see a nearby trashcan. However, two cars away, a back window was open about two inches. He walked over to the car, didn’t see anyone close by, and pushed the paper through the cracked window, quickly jumping back as a yapping dog suddenly appeared at the window. Now he knew why it was slightly cracked.

Sam went back to the car, got in, and drove away, hoping that the note might be eaten, finally destroying all evidence.

Reviews

[Sara Lufrano]

Hi hi!

Very funny! I enjoyed all the characters you have in the story. You gave them great voices and action so that they were distinguishable.

I would only say that Sam's feeling of dread goes away and he doesn't have strong thoughts about Junie's real reaction that she'll have. He also doesn't change which I feel the story is ripe for.

Overall very fun and well written! Thank you for the read!

[Author Gus]

Welcome to the café! This is an excellent debute and I truly enjoyed reading it. There is a typo somewhere in this story. It's a place where the wrong word was used, just a missing letter in the middle or something like that anyway. I apologize for not being able to point it out. I read it the first time and made a mental note, but that note disappeared through a rear window and I have failed to find it again.

This is very relatable piece, captivating how most men actually do shop. Myself included, and the humor works exceptionable well. I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.