To Hell And Back Again

At 2 AM one cold and dark Saturday morning, I found myself wandering the streets of my city downtown in a daze, trying to make my way home.

Shadowy and lifeless tall buildings lined much of my path, partnered only with the occasional bright neon signs that advertised the few bars and clubs still open at this late hour. The roads had little traffic, and the air was nearly silent save for the sparse clusters of other night owls I passed, dancing in the icy streets, laughing, and enjoying the company of their companions. Their jovial spirits made me sick to my stomach, as I myself had nothing to be happy about.

I was currently unemployed, without a penny to my name; I had spent what little money I could find at a string of cheap run down bars earlier that night.  I was now coming back from the bedroom and the bed of a woman that I shouldn’t have ever been with. The intoxicating bliss that I had felt with her had long since dissipated, leaving behind only a terrible, empty, hollow feeling inside of me that seemed could never be filled.

I was now left freezing cold and shivering as I spent the long walk back to my apartment, contemplating my sad life.

Eventually, I made it back to the old rickety building that housed my place, and slowly made it up the three flights of stairs to my apartment. At my front door, I  fumbled through my pocket trying to grab my keys with frozen fingers. Once grasped firmly enough, I unlocked my door and went inside. I turned on the light to see a further reflection of my  menial existence. The front room housed a tattered old brown couch, a broken space heater,  two large stacks of paper propped up on a cardboard box that I used for a table, and an old full length mirror leaning up against one wall. The kitchen had a small counter space, above which were mostly empty cabinets, and in the corner was my unused fridge. My bedroom held most of my things, which included some piles of dirty clothes, a couple books, a stained mattress, and a busted laptop. This apartment seemed to scream how pathetic I was.

I fell down onto the couch, feeling exhausted and dejected.

I can’t say that the emotions that overwhelmed me on this night were unique; I felt them almost every waking hour of every day, but in this particular moment, they were especially burdensome. Usually the “high” from my earlier escapades lasted longer, and I shouldn’t have felt so low until later in the day when I had the strength to find another way to push the feelings of despair back beyond my focus.

What I felt inside of me was an agonizing hunger that was never satisfied no matter how much it was fed, and I had tried to feed that hunger any way I could. I knew what the problem was; I was stuck in an endless cycle where I sought my addictions to alleviate my pain, yet my pain increased every time I gave into my addictions. There was no winning for me. No matter the physical or emotional cost, I would always feed that insatiable desire inside of me. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, or find another avenue of release, I would soon  find myself making the same wrong decisions again and again. These were decisions that I knew would leave me feeling miserable, but I chose to make them anyways because of the reprieve I would feel for a short time. I guess I might have been strong enough to wait another day or two, but it was never much longer. If it hadn’t been this night, it would have likely been the next, because no matter what I always eventually sank back into my old filthy habits.

There was no hope that it was ever going to get any better for me; the past twenty nine, almost thirty years of my life had taught me as much. I had fought, maybe harder than most, to overcome my vices and conquer the demons found within my soul. I had spent years trying to be valiant, telling myself that I would never give up trying to change. Up until this point, I had kept that promise; I had never given up. Even though I kept failing miserably, I still kept trying again.

Year after year I kept getting knocked down, and year after year I kept getting back up. However, on this night I had finally come to the conclusion that this wasn’t a fight that I was ever going to win. My addictions were the masters of my heart. They controlled my every action, and it would always be this way.

My spirit was broken, and I was exhausted. It was time to admit defeat.

It was during this late hour and moment of painful introspection that I had a damning revelation occur to me:

What if I really was doomed to repeat these mistakes forever? What if that had always been the case, and there had never been any hope?

What if this was hell?

What if I was already dead, and had long since been repeating the harrowing events of my life over and over, and would continue to do so for all eternity?

What if this was the reason why I had no success?

I thought for a moment of everyone that I knew: my mother, father, brother, sister, friends, and other relatives. All of them had the same problem as I. Each, I could see clearly now was fighting a vice, moral flaw, or weakness that they did not seem able to conquer. They had also been working all of their lives towards ridding themselves of their sin but found no victory. We all no doubt were in hell together.

My mind became fixated on this idea and I couldn’t let go of it. As these thoughts took hold in me, I began to feel a cold stinging sensation sweep across my body followed in tandem with the strange pain of fire against my skin. These odd sensations seemed to confirm to me that I was indeed living in hell and was now being racked with the torment of a damned soul as I came to realize the extent of my guilt. The agony that swept over me with this realization was truly terrible.

I had been raised in a Christian home, but had never been certain in the existence of a God or an afterlife, but now it seemed there was no question. However at this moment, the idea of a God or Savior seemed only like a concept meant to torment all the beings who did not call upon their powers sooner when there was still time to repent.

The thought occurred to me that I might just be going insane; perhaps I was. I tried to tell myself that I just needed to sleep and this whole thing would go away.

“I’m crazy!” I exclaimed to myself.

These were the thoughts of a man in delirium because he was so tired, they had to be!

This suggestion did not however alleviate the torment I now felt. I couldn’t convince myself of another possibility. There was no running or avoiding this. I was simply forced to accept my new reality:

This was hell.

I reflected on this agonizing idea for some time, but  eventually I fell asleep. I awoke up the next day around noon sweating profusely. I ripped off my shirt and threw it into a corner and stood up. My apartment felt unusually warm for the cold time of year (and I had no working heat).

I walked over to the mirror and looked at myself, staring intently into my sad, brown eyes. I looked terrible, still exhausted. My dark dark hair was disheveled, and I needed a shave. The worry wrinkles on my brow and frown lines around my mouth were deep, showing my inclination to be cynical. My pale face and upper body was drenched in sweat, which grossly gleamed in the light of the window nearby. My build was thinner than it should have been, mostly from a lack of nutrition. Simply put, I looked pathetic, and I knew it, but there was more than that looking back at me. The truth of my damnation was still present, and I saw it clearly manifest in my eyes. I still felt the same cold yet burning feeling across my body from the night before. I was truly damned, and that damnation felt well deserved.

I couldn’t handle being in that apartment anymore, it was too hot, so I quickly got dressed and ran out the door to get some air. As I rushed down the first flight of stairs, I ran straight into an old lady who lived on the floor beneath me.

“Hey!” She hollered out, but I was already down onto the stairway below, carelessly paying her no mind.

When I got outside, I knew why it was it so hot.

The sky above was red, with a large yellow sun sitting high in the middle. My apartment complex and the buildings that surrounded it were gone; in their place were tall stone prison citadels, housing all the eternal occupants of the underworld. These citadels were built into the side of large volcanic mountains. The foliage that now lined the streets consisted of sickly, withering trees and charred brush. The once vibrant flowers were black and reeking of decay. I glanced down at the street to see the entire ground covered in red hot coals, with the flames of hades licking against the buildings all around. The worst part about it were the poor saps walking past me that seemed completely unaware of the hell they were in. They were not awake to the truth. They still saw the fake reality that I had also been apart of only the day before. Some however were aware of their circumstances, for I heard the wailing screams of others faintly in the air.

The people that I saw nearest me had thick iron chains wrapped around them, which were engraved with the names of their sins.

I looked down at myself to see and feel the same heavy chains shackled to my body. A host of words were etched across them, among which were “Lust” and “Pride”.

A man in a nice suit rushed quickly past me on his cell phone, talking loudly, completely oblivious to anyone else around him. He was bound with chains that said “Greed”.

I watched a woman just a little farther down the street yell at and scold a young girl for doing something wrong. “Anger” was written on her chains.

It was heartbreaking to see it; we were all slaves to sin.

I couldn’t help it, but the scene before me caused me to weep openly on the street.

This couldn’t be the end. This couldn’t be all that there was! Please God, tell me that this wasn’t all that was left for me for eternity!

I began to run down the street in a panic, hearing the heavy clanking of my chains as I did so. I felt like I needed to find somewhere to hide. Maybe there was some small space in this vast hell that could be a temporary refuge from the torment around me.

I was surrounded by those towering prisons, and saw nowhere to go. I began to despair anew until I saw a small alcove at the side of one of the citadels. I went inside, and falling to knees, I began to cry profusely, not caring, that my flesh now felt like it was being seared against the hot coals that made up the ground. I was not so concerned with my bodily pain as I was with my mental anguish.

Great was the sorrow of my soul, and the idea of this endless torment was unbearable. I did not know what to do until I began for a moment to think of my mother, who with all of her flaws was devout in her church attendance and belief in God. She had told me a long time ago when I was still a young boy that I could pray to God at any time, and that He could, through His grace and miraculous power, answer my prayer. I felt in this moment that perhaps I should do so. Maybe even from hell, God could hear my cries and offer me just a moment of respite from this pain.

Still on my knees, I began to pray harder than I had ever done before. My heart ached with pleading unto the Lord and my tears would not stop flowing. I wanted to change, I had always wanted to change but the load was just too heavy and I couldn’t carry it on my own. I needed help. I was asking for it now.

“Please God,” I said, “forgive me of my sins!”

At first nothing happened. The bitterness I felt was still there. I kept pleading. I kept praying, and I don’t know for how long. It seemed like for an eternity, and perhaps it was, but I refused to give up. I was determined to plead unto God until He answered my prayer. I would cry out until I felt the atoning power of Jesus Christ save my soul. I didn’t care how long it would take, I wouldn’t give up. Not again.

Then, all of a sudden, it happened. A tremendous feeling fell upon me. It struck me from my head down to my toes; it enveloped my very soul. It was the most miraculous thing I had ever felt. I can hardly describe it in words; the only adequate thing to say was that it simply felt like perfect peace.

The feelings of torment began to fade from my heart. The sense of damnation was stopped.

“Be still!” a voice said to my heart, “All is not lost!”

The emptiness inside of me, that I never thought could go away, was gone. I felt peace, joy even. This wasn’t hell. I wasn’t damned for eternity. There was still time for me to change.

I opened my eyes and began to look around me. The burdensome chains that had bound me were gone. The eternal flames of hell were also nowhere to be seen, yet I was not back in the world from whence I had come. Instead, I found myself in a grove of beautiful trees. The air was fresh and cool. The smell of sweet earth came strongly through my nostrils. I felt soft dirt, mingled with grass against my knees. I could hear the laughter of little children playing nearby. I could also hear the singing of birds in harmony with the serenades sounding from distant, angelic voices. I stood up and looked out to see spacious goldy mansions lining the way I had come.  Those mansions were like giant marble palaces, perfectly white and nearly glowing. They were etched with beautiful stain glass windows, ornate buttresses, balconies, and gardens.

Those mansions sat up against enormous and splendid mountains, colored with all kinds of purples, blues, reds, and oranges. Surrounding them were forests of vibrant greens and every other conceivable color. The roads winding through that foliage were paved in what seemed to be gold and shown as bright as the sun.

This place was amazing. Try to Imagine the most perfect, beautiful place on earth that you can, and it would not even come close to the glorious, holy, splendor that I saw before me. There was a peace in that place that made it feel like it was exactly where I was supposed to be. This was home, somewhere I had been long ago, and was since supposed to return.  

While I didn’t see anyone, I eventually felt the presence of someone else standing beside me. The invisible being brought forth the most familiar feeling, something I had felt for time immemorial but yet had somehow forgotten until now. This was someone with whom I was close to, and had once known very well.

“You’re the One,” I said outloud, “the One who atoned for my sins. You saved me!”

“Thank you.” I whispered.

I felt a love come inside of me, a love so pure and real it was nearly tangible.  What joy I now I felt, when only moments before I had been wracked with torment!

I understood now that I was looking out onto the great expanses of heaven, and I also understood that I was not staying. This was another vision.

I began to weep again, this time not from sorrow, but with gladness. I wasn’t damned, and I could still be saved. I could indeed overcome all my vices. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own, but it could be done.

Things were finally clear to me. Yes, I had flaws that I needed to fix. Yes, so did everyone else. This was a part of having mortal experiences; all of us have something to improve upon or overcome, and it was possible to do better. I did have the ability, with the help of another, to overcome all things and be a better man.

What a relief this all was!

I don’t know how long I was in that place, but I eventually awoke to find myself back on the couch in my apartment. The feeling of peace was still inside of me. While I felt better, I realized now that I had a work to do. I couldn’t do it on my own, but with the help of Christ I would fix myself. I would make amends for my many sins, and then I would go out to help others. There were more like me that were suffering with unimaginable torment from their own personal demons. I now felt the obligation to help them find the One who could vanquish those figurative and literal monsters from their lives. There was such a real peace just within their grasp, and if they only knew it was there, they would take hold. They needed someone to show them the way.

Slowly over time, I saw myself improve. My sins began to have less power over me, and eventually they were expelled from my heart. Once I started to better myself, I also went out and found others in need of help and brought them to know the Great Healer. They learned of His pierced hands and feet, and His blood that had been spilt saving them from their sins. They came unto Him, and just like me, they were healed; they were made whole.

He suffered an agony greater than any other. Within the garden of Gethsemane, He bled from every pore and bore all mankind’s individual infirmities, be it pains, weaknesses, or sin itself. Because of His great sacrifice, none were beyond the saving powers of His atonement and infinite grace. He lifts up the burdens that we ourselves cannot bare. He carries us from hell, and the agony of sin and brings us to a place full of peace, and everlasting joy.

He is the Redeemer of Souls: He redeemed my soul, and He has redeemed many of those I know. He can redeem your soul too.

If you choose to listen, He will say unto you:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

“Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” (Isaiah 1:18)

“For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I; Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit--and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink--Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.” (Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-19)

“For behold, this is my work and my glory"to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39)

Author's Note

As a writer, I am looking for improvement, so I really want honest feedback. If the story is the worst thing you have ever read, than tell me! Tell me what works and what doesn't. Please be honest.

Reviews

[Chrisanne]

This sounds like a story I hear in church that accompanies sermons of encouragement, the love of God and his grace. I was captivated from the first paragraph with your vivid description, I felt as if I was walking those streets at night. From the paragraph "great was the sorrow" my interest weened a bit because I felt as if i was reading scripture. This story is written extremely well but I think the topic is for a specific niche.