Who am I

Lost

    God what is my identity now?  You gave me my child which made me a mother for 28 years and now that is gone.  You took her home with you, after being murdered mercilessly.  My pain is so great (which I know You know) how do I get past it?  Who am I now?  Can you give me a clue?  How long will the excruciating pain last, will you give me relief? I was the best mother I could be through the years, thanks to over 10 years of therapy.  I know you allowed therapy happen and I'm grateful for that.  But God where do I go now?  Please, please, please give me direction and fulfill me with the knowledge to know what to do next.  All I have been doing is passing time, trying to heal.  I did the right thing by forgiving her murderer, which is what I know you would have me do.  So I do have peace on that part.  It's just that I miss her so and I want to mother her.  Should I find someone else to mother?  Should I find me? So many questions that I need answers for.  

      Not only did he take the most precious person I had in life, but the most love I was ever able to give.  She was my life....she was my everything....my identity, myself.  How do I go on without her.  How do I do this? Who am I ?  My instinct (which you gave me) tells me that I have more to do, but where and what?  Maybe the dust needs to settle a little bit more, perhaps.  I'm listening God for your direction in my life.  How I can go on with my life is confusing because you know I want to join her.  I know you have saved me a couple of times.  So that leaves me to believe you still want me here on earth.  But why?  What is my purpose?  To be happy, isn't happening anymore, not without her.  How can I smile and laugh extensively when I'm missing the best part of my life.

      And the granddaughter she left behind, a mere baby, breastfeeding and now it's difficult (almost impossible) to look at her without crying.  When I see this poor orphan I want her mother NOW!!  She loved being a mother.  It was the happiest I have ever seen her and thank You for allowing that fulfillment for her.  

      God you know my pain and my confusion, just tell me who am I now.....

Author's Note

This is a struggle I'm having in life at the present...your feedback is welcomed and valued.......Kyam

Reviews

[Antoñyo]

I could be wrong, but as I read I can almost hear every word here as if it were, at once time or more, said out loud. It's exactly the feeling of someone wronged that put so much into someone via love and care to the point of their definitive being... "Who am I now?" This powerful sentiment echoes during and lingers afterwards.
You not only share your words --- which offer healing both inwardly and to others that may be in need --- but you also invite cafe strangers inside your pain as if to say, "I am who I am, just a shell of myself... so know that no one can hurt me anymore." I envy that quality and see a fullness in what appears to be a missing space. I don't doubt you'll be okay in time.
Thanks for sharing

[kyam]

Do you see that my very soul is cracking up? I'm hanging on by a thread here.....Thanks for your most gracious review, I love your soul....You are kind of like my hero of sorts, but I won't put that responsibility on you, of course, but your words touch me deep inside my core.......Kyam