la douler exquise

A Poem by Saige

1.

hi, would you like to see my nightmares? i asked her, only it came out like do you want to come over?
sometimes she said yes, but only when it was for dinner.
she loved my mom more than she liked me.

2.

her heartbreak smile was my body’s national anthem; she made me feel alive.
stumbled through tenth grade before i awkwardly realized i loved her.
my lips were stained with earl grey tea and raw sugar.
she had the wind in her hair and mara’s chapstick on her mouth every time we saw each other.
i imagine mara’s chapstick tasted something soft, something like vanilla.
not like mine. mine was cheap, one dollar from the drugstore and it was exactly like revenge.

3.

the problem was that i loved being her chess piece.
she could use me and i would love her all the more for it.
my standard for love was set.
i wondered - would she love me back if she could use me the same way i sometimes felt like i could use her?
but i couldn’t know the answer.
i didn’t want to ask.

4.

we once went walking at two a.m.
skipped out on a sleepover at audrey’s house and we stopped in a speedway’s one county over.
she got a mountain dew. i thought maybe this would lead to the morning where i’d see dewdrops form on her hair.
she wouldn’t kiss me and nothing would change but we would be together.
nothing was okay (nothing changed) but I pretended like it was and it had.
we watched the sunrise.

she told me how to get to T.G.I. Friday’s faster one week later after we fell out of a second-story window.
she felt like possibilities.

5.

i had tragedy written on my skin.
i could forget that around her.
her attention used to feel like love.

6.

now the sound of her name still kind of hurts. i’ve forgotten what it feels like to talk to her.
ruined my standards to convince her to stay and she still left.
i thought she was my princess charming, but it turns out i was the one doing all the fighting to keep her around.
she didn’t belong in this world and i didn’t belong wherever she lived.

7.

i’ve decided that’s okay.