Brown Revelations

its hard to explain what its like to be me

its almost impossible to explain what it's like to be free

and i'm not talking shackles and chains

im talking emotional burdens and mental constraints

i could never really find a place to belong

although my family loved me, i struggled to get along

my slang wasn't enough 

and my nose wasn't wide

my hair wasn't straight

and i was only half white

in a city, no in a state

no in a country, that encompasses white pride

i felt alone

i felt unseen

i felt confused

i felt demeaned

oh trust me i tried, i really f*****g tried

perms to be blacker

relaxers to be whiter

eyebrows to be thinner

wishing my skin was a lot lighter

i loved myself one day 

and hated myself the next

and every time i thought i was making progress

i'd look at a magazine or turn on the tv and start to regress

i didn't really have black friends

all i saw was white

and i'm not saying their lack of black is a problem

i'm just saying that my teeth being the lightest part of me didn't feel right

i tried to adjust and tried to fit in

i went from one thing to another

different music and clothes and weekly makeup regimens 

then something crazy happened

there was this boy

he liked me a lot and guess what? he was dark!

from that came a full belly

two pink lines on a strip

waddling around at 6 months

and coming to terms with something i never knew i wanted

suddenly i was a mother

of this tiny human being

this precious, living, breathing, child, melanin covered 

so now im blessed enough to raise this boy

although i never realized how hard it would really be

to differentiate between comic book characters and a black or white toy

as i looked at my baby i wished what every parent does

that i could protect him from the evils 

and to the horror of the world, keep his mind closed

but the words, "brown is ugly" hit me like a brick

i felt my insides twist and my heart start to bleed

as this precious 6 year old boy told me he didn't like his own skin

now he's 13 and he doesn't bring it up

that enemy has been replaced by something greater

and the terror that it brings leaves me feeling helpless and stuck

because when i turn on the tv or when i look at social media

i see nothing but death

and my conscience becomes just a little bit greedier 

greedy for answers

greedy for justice

greedy for equality

what the f**k IS this?

you see, when you grow up like me you grow up confused

you grow up white, but not white, black but still black

you grow up hating yourself

you grow up racist towards everything that embodies your reflection

whats the worst part you ask?

let me help you see

i thought that staying silent was the right thing

but my blackness wasn't the problem it was my willingness to blindly agree

 

they dont want you to see the problem

they dont want you to be heard

they stifle and they break you 

until "yesa massa" are the only words

they teach you not to talk about race

ok, my bad, that's a lie

you can talk to about it just to enough to make yourself believe the country cares

but not enough to realize that self education is best way to keep from dying

so why does my blackness equate to the lesser?

why does my son have to talk and wear better?

why does do my full lips and tone make me so angry?

why does my sons dark skin make him a target?

i need to get over it , that's what everyone is saying

but i'm at the point now where im sick of being silent

god didn't create me to sit back and be quiet

i was created for bigger

for better

for more

i was created to love myself

love my skin color more

than this media portrays 

or than you see on tv

more than n****r

and more than they'd have me

in a society that wants everything dark

but doesn't want to be black

they have tanning beds and lip injections and "dont forget 9/11"

but they deny us our innate power and we get "dont bring up the past"

i was created to kiss with my lips

i was created to create with my hips

i was created to tell my son he's perfectly melanin

i was created to not accept my existance as unspoken sin

Author's Note

ignore minor grammar errors but let me know if something should be changed or any critique would be appreciated. you all know by now that i write and very rarely go back over and edit.

Reviews

[Donna]

This is one of the best poems I have read on here, seriously! I could feel your anger and sadness while reading. I can never imagine the feeling you had while growing up. I hope everyone will read your poem and get something out of it. Thanks for sharing this. Remember, you are beautiful!

[Blank_fortunes]

I am not sure how this one slipped past me, I have often wondered about a lot that was mentioned here. I think its beneficial to interact with people with different upbringings different lessons are taught and I appreciate the ones you shared here.