BITE ME

My name is George.  I am currently spinning on this roller grill.  I had been defrosted at four this morning. It is eleven o’clock and I am waiting for the lunch crowd. There are many of us spinning, some more attractive than others.  I’m not the shiniest or the plumpest, but the lighting hits me just so. I’ve been told I’ve got nice skin tone.  When I got here there was one old soul left on the pipes. He was ancient; shriveled and wrinkled.  Gray, too.  He didn’t have a chance.  There’s always that one poor frank that no one had bought. I’m sure he looked tasty in his prime.  Unfortunately the ones in the northwest corner aren’t seen and usually perish by the end of the night. I am lucky to be in row c center.

Oh, here comes someone now.  Oh, please be in the mood for me. I don’t want to end up like Mr. Geriatrics over there. Wait. Over here! Man, they always go straight for the pizza. Those pizzas are so stuck up on themselves with their cheese and their pepperoni. They’re a bunch of greasy fourteen-inch gweedoes.  Apparently they are very appetizing, especially since they’re only $5.55. They’re “fast, fresh, and delicious.”  They even get the best press. What do they say about us Big Bites? Oh, that’s right. Nothing.  Darn. Someone’s going to eat Frankie “Pepperoni”  Fingers for lunch. Well, boolly for you.

Hey!  Hey! You, at the Slurpee machine.  You know you want a Big Bite hot dog to go with that drink.  Slurpees are even more refreshing after a bite out of me. I am salty,  after all.  I’m just as salty as Greasy Gweedo over there.  Yes, that’s right. I’m right here. Can’t you see me? I’m the meatiest one here. Hello! No! No! Don’t pick that one. Great. They took Slippery Pete. Lucky dog. Here comes Snapple girl.  Hey baby doll.  Wouldn’t you like to put me in your mouth  and savor my juices?  I bet I’m the juiciest one in here. Hello!  Are you hungry? All you have to do is put me on a bun and slather some mustard on me. Doesn’t that make your mouth water? How about some ketchup? I’m open-minded . If you take a bite of me with either mustard or ketchup your mouth will tingle, I promise. Do you like relish? Okay, but I’m very ticklish.  There’s something about relish that makes me lose control. But I’ll control myself. I swear.  Please please please pick me.

Why am I not surprised she’s headed towards the chicken tenders? I suppose they’re cute enough.  All the kids love them. Sometimes there’s a kid that wants a hot dog now and then.  But, people will eat anything that’s breaded. That’s the edge these tenders have over the rest of us. Breading just speaks for itself. And on chicken tenders?  Forget about it! Another thing is that they have these exotic dipping sauces: barbeque and cool ranch. Not only do they get to be breaded but they get to be dipped in fancy schmancy sauces, too. Oh, well.

Here comes someone. Yeay! It’s the regular.  They tell me he works across the street at the Enterprise Rent-a-Car and  gets two hot dogs every day. But with him it’s a lottery. He has a system.  One day he’ll go for Candidate A at 23.5 Degrees North  and Candidate B at North by Northwest. Every day it’s different. I probably don’t have a-oh, wait. Here he comes. Hey Enterprise! Over here! Today’s the twofer. You can have me and some other shumenud.     Look. Watch how I strut my stuff. I can wiggle. Can you see me wiggling? Look! I can do the Turkey Trot. I can do all kinds of dances. Oh, forget it. He picked Tropic of Cancer and Hitchcock. Who knows which coordinates he has planned for tomorrow?  I was this close!

You know, it ain’t easy being a 7-eleven hot dog.  Once you’re past your prime it’s all downhill from there. We are the pioneers of hot food sold here. We were born in the 70s. You can say we’re the Generation X of Hot Dogdom. We have become the neglected middle child of 7-eleven. They didn’t have any pizza or chicken tenders back then.  Since then we have been competing with other kitschy snacks they bring in here. O, the betrayal!

Hey gatorade! Red Bull! Over here!  Since i’ve been spinning here only two or three hot dogs have gone to meet their Eater. I suppose it’s still early. Well, whadya know. They’re headed for the go-go Taquitos. What does go-go have to do with 7-eleven anyway? Why don’t they just call this place Home of Bada Bing? They may as well.  These long, slender rolls come in 7 varieties. One to please even the pickiest palate.  They made sure there was a type to appeal to all predilections. Cheesy or Meaty.  Even Spicy. There’s a Taquito to satisfy your cravings. And you get to eat it, too.  I wouldn't be surprised if they paid with dollar bills.

Oh, I’m sorry.  I must have fallen asleep. What time is it? Where did everybody go? Where? How lucky for them. What?  It’s three o’clock already? Seriously? Twenty hot dogs were sold, and I wasn’t one of them? Am I missing something?  I’m going to start to shrivel up soon. I better get it together. Just calm down, George. It’ll be okay. Someone will come along and pick us. It’s three o’clock. That means the kids are getting out of school. I still have a chance. Here they come now. It’s the kids from Holy Stigmata Elementary School. Those sixth graders like hot dogs. Hey Ginger!  Over here! She’s coming! Am i still shiny? Do I look plump? I thought so. Thank you. What? You see some wrinkles already? I don’t believe you. I’m only four hours old. I have at least one or two more hours left. Shut up! She’s coming.  Hey there cutie pie. Wouldn’t you like a hot dog this afternoon? I’m the perfect snack for you. I won’t ruin your dinner. I promise.  I’m even Kosher.  Wait! Hold on! Don’t pick him, I’m the yummy one. Look at me. Let me do the Monkey Glide. I’m sure she’ll see me then. Hey! Schoolgirl! Look at me. I’m shimmying.  Of course she picks Gunnar. His family is Bavarian. Too bad they don’t have sauerkraut here. Then he’d be in his element.  Some of us are just plain mustard hot dogs; symbols of traditional Americana.  Like that’s all they eat at baseball games. Well, it’s  too ambitious to even talk about it. Stadium Dogs. How’d they get so lucky?

As if it weren’t bad enough, last week they brought in the latest edition to the 7-Eleven menu.  Burritos. I’m telling you, they are what contributed to our slow demise. They’re  even more popular than the Taquitos. Why don’t the clerks just wear sombreros while they hawk these wannabes?  The sad part is that people love this stuff. They’re zesty and they make you think you’re in Cancun on Spring Break or something. May as well sell Coronas, too. That would mean certain death for those poor Big Gulps. It’s bad enough. They start at twenty ounces and  go up to fifty ounces of thirst-quenching goodness. The Big Gulp is getting  lots of heat from the press because of its size. Sugar is bad for you, 50 ounces is too much to drink, all the sugar and calories, the children,  waa waa waa...if a 50 ounce drink makes a person happy, who are we to get in the way of their happiness?  Poor Big Gulps. They were born in 1976. Just three years younger than myself. Who knew they’d become objects of controversy?  You can’t have a hot dog without a Big Gulp. Come on. It’s like putting pastrami on whole wheat bread. It’s just not done.  They have a serious following, these Burritos. Suits, Goths, pregnant women, plumbers, computer geeks, you name it. The Burritos are like the iphone 6 of 7-Eleven snacks. What are you gonna do. Unless you are at Yankee Stadium, Hot Dogs are getting to be a thing of the past. They should just call us Atari. Yeah, that’s right. Stupid Burritos.

You there!  French Vanilla!  I see you looking at me. I may be in what you would call my forties, but i’m still plump but not too plump. You can get me in your mouth without  having to say aaaah... I'll squirt warm juices in your mouth the minute you bite into me.  I’ll be as al dente as you want. I will even stay warm as my juices drip down your throat. Do you like it warm when it goes down your throat? No?  I’ll cool down the longer you chew me.  I’ll be easier to get down that way. Just tell me how you like it.  My smoky flavors will permeate your mouth even after your last bite.  You don’t have to put anything on me. I’m probably better plain. I bet i can satisfy you more than any other snack in this store.  I won’t burn your tongue like hot wings. I’m comfort food, baby. You can just lay back and let me do the rest. It’s okay. You can cheat. I’m not that many calories. Who’s going to know? Just take me back to your car and eat me in the parking lot. Even on a diet you have to treat yourself once in a while. What. You’re not worth it? You get protein and carbs. Just break off the pieces of bun that don’t make it into your mouth. It won’t get offended.  It’s not  cheating if you don’t eat the whole bun. Trust me. I know about these things. You don’t have to deny your cravings.  Oh, come on. Why’d you have to pick him? Look at him. He just flops around like trout out of the Appomattox. He can’t give you that initial state of ecstasy you get when you first bite me, breaking my skin between your teeth.  I bet he has nothing to squirt you with. He’s got crow’s feet for christmassakes. We could have been good together! Darn that Johnson. You should’ve seen him flexing his guls all day. Oh, you’ll be disappointed.  His guls aren’t firm now.  You’d think a woman’s palate would be more discriminating. Goes  to show looks don’t matter with them.

Oh, man. I’m running out of time. This heat lamp is starting to scorch me. Is it me or is it too hot in here? I did everything I could, short of flying off this grill and frank-slapping some schmuck in the face. They just didn’t notice me. What’s it gonna take?  I begged, I schmoozed, I wooed, I  danced the Turkey Trot and the Monkey Glide. I almost got the woman on the diet to cheat,  but she picks some lame louie instead. All this spinning is starting to make me  feel vertiginous. I feel the end approaching. I am going to end up in the dumpster back there. That’s the worst fate any snack could face. Too bad there aren’t any homeless people around here that get the stale bagels at the end of the night. I’m getting so sleepy. Why’s it so hot in here?  I can’t even feel my guls anymore.  Wait. I think I see someone approaching. Maybe he’ll feel sorry for me and take me. Oh, I know who that is. It’s that guy in the parking lot. Dark Side of the Moon guy. Hey, buddy. I know how you feel. People know that you’re there but they don’t want to look at you.  They feel sorry for you but they don’t want to do anything about it. At least you got skills.  I just lay here and shrivel up.

I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute...what’s this?  What is this cushioning I feel around my body?  It’s so soft. What? What’s happening? Is that mustard I smell?  Oh, yeah, slather that mustard on me. It feels so good. Yeah, right there.  Don’t stop.  The pungent aroma is making me feel plumper.  Is this what I had been missing all day? I am starting to feel revitalized. Is that you? Guy in the parking lot?  I knew you’d pick me. What drink are we having? Love Saves the Day?  Hooray! That’s my favorite Slurpee. I can’t wait to swim around in that slushy wonderland. Just when I thought I was destined for the Dumpster, I am saved. Goes to show you should never give up. There is hope right up to the very end. It’s always the person you least expect that will save you.   I’ll do my best to be as yummy and juicy as I was in my prime. Poor guy deserves that much. He needs as much protein as he can get to get him through his performances in the parking lot. I am honored to be that piece of meat that does it for him. I have fulfilled my destiny.

Reviews

[Joe_VILOT_]

seriously(i joke i joke) i felt my vision was being glued to the story, are you selling something if its food or even a story about food seems a tad creepy to me. whoa don't want be thinking hmm Ok I'm so tasty and attractive eat this once and you can't last it taste so good you good can you pass it. I will pass that, no talking burritos pasta or anything i know where the nearest exit is. well what to say of this story the thoughts of a pre-processed piece of tissue that was once part of an animal i wonder what the connection is between humans(us) and edibles(a.k Mr.talking sausage) and the bigger picture i would rather have an interesting conversation with a broccoli shoot or sprout mabye even a peppery
radish maybe they could teach me alot about nature (I jest I jest) yet i do have a significant point

150/150

[m.s.early]

This is hilarious. I love the characterization. It's so light and refreshing. I was just about to be bogged down in all the intellectual comradely foofaraw that goes on here sometimes. Thank you for this breath of fresh air :)

[Marie]

I've been listening to 7/11 commercials lately,and I'll bet you have too. This story is just great. You personalized a frank, made him seem warm and human; made me care what happened to him. I was happy when he got chosen at the last.

[Mia Sparrow]

thanks Marie. your opinion means a lot to me.