Chapter 1

"Don't look" 

she whispers, her hands caught my face and held it still 

I looked into those eyes with glowing embers and caught breath

quieted

We stay like that for a second - her troubled soul gazing out through 

eyes broken with unshed/wept/spoken

fears

"Stay right here - right with me"

and I'm trying - struggling not to let the air in lungs

hitch

unhitch 

and leave

the space tight and uneven under the floor where we wait

as dust shakes through the cracks

their heavy feet

searching

the heat of small space

and the fear

pressingpressingpressing

crushing

into us each

as noises cease

and by some unseen signal 

boots stop above us

waiting

listening

imperceptible shake of her head

eyes plead

as my eyes water and tear

and I can feel the panic begin to squeeze

through eyes blinking and shut tight 

and watching

staring

drowning

into the embers of her glowing eyes. 

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God

is all there is room to think. 

Author's Note

Hey everybody!!
Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions - the reoccurring theme I am hearing is plan - plan - plan for a book...
I am thinking that what I will do is start to write the pieces of the story - and then construct them together - editing and re-editing to work all the pieces of the puzzle together...
But I won't publish it on here until the puzzle is finally laid out to save you all through all that torturous process... parts of it may show up on my postings as separate vignettes - but I may or may not mark them as such.
Anyways - I just wanted to say thank you for your input - it may be awhile before you see anything else on this - but it's mostly to save you all from a lot of the crappy writing I will need to work through before inflicting it upon you all =)

Thanks to all again!!!
*Mariko*

Reviews

[x]

I think the emotion is really good, there's a constant low grade terror and kind of uhh.. wierdly organic pain. Like ripping leather.. if that doesn't sound too stupid. There's not a lot of detail, though it seems like they're hiding in an attic, but if that's not what you intended you might want to look at it. I do very much like it, it's very intense, but not in a fake way.

[Lou Briggs]

I don't often read poetry on this website for the sheer fact that it's bad. Really bad. And that's okay, because it's normally penned by young teenagers as an outlet for their frustration, which makes sense because being a teenager sucks.

However, I do love to read poetry, and I occasion write a poem or two myself.

That being said, you definitely know how to write a poem =D I really enjoy your stylistic phrases - things like "unshed/wept/spoken / fears" and "pressingpressingpressing / crushing". It's very ee cummings, and I find it incredibly frustrating and difficult to write so experimentally, so kudos to succeeding with it! =D

But I'm not really sure what's happening. I can tell something terrible is happening to these two people, but I have no idea what. They are hiding? And someone is looking for them on the floor above them? But she tells the speaker not to look at something. Not to look at what? I like the imagery in "...the embers of her glowing eyes.", but I'm not sure what that represents. Her eyes are bright? They are red/orange/yellow? Intense? Or is she literally burning up (okay, that's a stretch, but still)? I mean, I'm certain you have an idea of what will come next, and then you'll explain in the next few "chapters" (chapters? Poems? Part? Poemchapters? Lolz =D), but THIS poem doesn't explain what's going on. That totally doesn't mean that I think it's bad, though.

I definitely think you have a story here, a story worth planning out and continuing. After looking at your writing you've posted and seeing this is the only book, I want to advise that you PLAN EVERYTHING OUT SO THAT YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. Because it's a pain in the A*S to feel the need to change your ending, and then have to change EVERYTHING, and I've known more than a few people who have completely given up after they reach a point they hadn't planned out. I'm not sure if you've written a novel before, and if you have, ignore me, because you probably know this.

To answer the questions you messaged to the group, I'm a big fan of different worlds. I think it would be more interesting if you made a different place (or an alternate timeline to Earth's history or something!), but I don't think you need to describe much of it to the audience. The rules of a certain place might differ from rules we know here. For instance, a man may not be able to marry a woman he is not betrothed to. Say it's a social law to encourage healthy babies or some other bs thought up by power hungry freaks. But your two main characters are in love, and they aren't betrothed. We'd need to know why they can't get married, and I think creating a place we can only see glimpses of will solve that the best way.

So //I'd// like to see a creative world, but by all means, do what your pen tells you to.

Hope that helps!

-Lou

A good beginning here to a heart wrenching tale. Reminds me of stories of the holocaust. Looking forward to more.