Mr. Hero has a bad day

Mr. Hero is put into a pickle trying to come up with a witty saying before he can save the world.

            I’m a hero and you’ve most certainly heard of me.  I’m, please hold the applause until later, Mr. Hero.  Catchy name, no?  Now, I’ve got a bit of a problem.  No, it isn't the fact that Dr. Psycho has kidnapped the President of the United World's daughter.  It isn't that his Death Cannon has but a couple of moments to go until it creates a beam of concentrated energy so powerful it will destroy the Earth.  No, it’s none of that.  My problem is that I’ve run out of witty puns to use when I stop him.  I hear from behind the door a mechanical, yet feminine, voice say, "Five minutes until the Death Cannon activates."  I have plenty of time.

            As I ponder I remember fondly my former successes.  I recall the time that I was in the Bug Master's hidden cave.  He was readying super bugs that would wreak havoc and allow him to have his vengeance upon the world that had shunned him.  I had crept into his hidden lair and noticed a young damsel in distress being chased by Bug Master.  He had her cornered, the bugs were ready to go, when I dropped a large stalactite on his head (simple explosive charge) and said "You've been squashed, Bug Master."  I was happy with myself.  Squash...bug...get it?!

            Good times!  I mean it was so obvious what to say with Bug Master.  It still took my keen intellect to do it, but it was not complicated.  This Dr. Pscyho, though, is getting to me.  I mean I can hear the girl screaming (he must be getting close to killing her) and this is distracting me!  That must be it.  I'll think of something.

            "Three minutes until the Death Cannon activates," that thing is getting annoying.  Where was I?  Yes, his name is Psycho.  Death Cannon.  I say quietly, "That will silence your lambs!"  No, that’s been done before by my friend Moth Guy to Mr. Insano.  That jerk stole my line!  How about the Death Cannon?  When I deactivate it just before it goes off.  "How about, ‘That'll liven up this Cannon!’"  No, that is stupid. 

            You know stopping Super Evil Dude wasn't nearly as tough.  He had three names and I can handle that!  "In two minutes, my pretty, the world will be destroyed."  That is Dr. Psycho.  Stereotypical bad guy.  I swear there must be a cookie cutter for them or something.  I mean his name alone is unoriginal.  Sheesh.  Then, why is it so hard to come up with a snappy line?

            "My father will stop you," again the girl.  "He'll call for Mr. Hero," my ears perk up, "to save me and to stop your Death Ray!"  I will when you shut up and let me think of a line!

            "Death Cannon.  Cannon!  I didn't spend eight years of my life building this Weapon of Mass Destruction just to have it misnomered.  At least get it right before you die."

            "Shut up, I'd rather die than listen to you Dr. Psycho."  The girl does have some guts.

            "Fine, then I'll kill you mere seconds before the Death Cannon destroys the entire world."

            "But if you destroy the world, won't you die, too?"

            There’s a long pause.  "You are right.  I would die."

            "One minute until the Death Cannon activates."

            The Doctor continues to talk and I try to think of a line.  "I guess it all started when I was a boy and all the other kids used to pick on me.  After that I guess it was when my father killed my best and only friend Mittens the dog.  You know come to think of it most of my life wasn't a picnic.  Hell, medical school was a nightmare.  They would put cadavers in my bed and left a note that said 'For a hot night.'  Then when..." he continues to ramble on.

            Maybe I can use his past.  It wouldn't be as funny, but still would be one.  Mittens.  That is it!  I have it!  "Thirty seconds until the Death Cannon activates."

            He continues to blabber on as I prepare myself to kick in the door.  "I guess you are right.  I have been wrong all along.  It wasn't all of Society’s fault, just some of them.  I remember a girl who was real sweet to me."

            "Twenty seconds until the Death Cannon activates."  I kick in the door.  I take in the scene.  Dr. Psycho is near the door, looking shocked, and the girl is strapped to a steel-bed like they have in the morgue.

            "I am here to stop you Dr. Psycho."

            The girl pipes up, "It’s okay.  He is going to turn off the machine."

            "Quiet young woman for you have been in a traumatic situation and know not what is going on."

            Dr. Psycho replies, "No, she is right.  I am changing my ways.  I must stop the device."

            "Ten seconds until the Death Cannon activates."

            "No, you are lying to me.  I must defeat you."  I run across the room and grab the Doctor.  I smile at him as I throw him against the wall.  "That has put a glove on your evil!"  Mitten...glove...get it?!

            "Five seconds until the Death Cannon activates."

            "Now, how do I turn off this machine?"

            The girl yells, "You don't know how to do it?"

            "Not exactly."

            "We're screwed."

            "No way for I am Mr. Her..."  A bright light and then nothing.  At least I got my pun.

 

Reviews

[BlueLagoon]

Haha! Very funny story! I see you are an experienced write because you managed to be witty without resorting to crude humor. I enjoyed how the story flow but what really shined was the plot. It was a subject I have never encountered before. Very well written and creative! A+

[Alex Figueroa]

lol its good keep them coming, u can really have a talent in this type of writing =]