Breaking Steel

I was a stone wall hard, stiff and not easy to break even before my car accident. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. The people in school would call me names like “Alien” or “Robot”. I would kill myself if I could but my parents watched me all the time. Now my skin is made out of steel, my facial feature never wavering and do not speak unless necessary. I do not feel sorrow, happiness, or any emotion. Why should I show anything, I’m confined to a prison; a wheelchair. The car accident resulted in my spine being injured and I could only move my head and some parts of my arms. With intense therapy everyday for five years, I can move my arms more and walk a small distant but still had to use my prison to move around and still needed someone to care for me. Lizzy, was appointed my caregiver, a women around mid thirties, short blond hair and height, after I moved out of my parents house when I was twenty. She was the replacement of my parents, to watch me every day, help me, and most important make sure I don’t kill myself.

Lizzy came into my room at that moment while I brushed my long curly brown hair, “Ok Jess it’s time to go to your appointment.” I nodded my head so she knew I heard her while put my hair up into a pony tail. The good thing about Lizzy is she only help me when I absolutely need it otherwise she goes about her own business. She would sometimes try to get me to talk or open up but that usually lead to me giving her death glares or calling her rude names. I once tried to throw my hair brush at her when she first started working for me three years ago. Wheeling myself down to the car took about ten minutes, which if I was walking would have took me ten seconds. Once I got to the car, Lizzy watched me get out of my chair, making sure I don’t fall or trip, and walk to get seated then she put the wheelchair in the back. The ride to the hospital was silent. When we got there we did the same thing except backwards; she watched me get out and get into my chair and went into the hospital.

I come to this god forsaken place for physical therapy for 3 hours each day with ten minute breaks to eat or use the restroom. Lizzy left me once I was sitting on one of the mats since there were nurses and other people around to watch me. Some people were older and some younger working on whatever they need to do; walking, hand function, or swallowing food. I was looking around, waiting for my therapist, when I came to a new person. She was small and had long blond hair in a braid with bright green eyes wearing a light pink hospital gown looking out a window sitting in a motorize wheelchair. This girl turned her head my way and flashed a bright smile while turning on her chair and coming over to me. I could see her better now, her skin was paler the normal and she had an IV hooked up to her arm.

“Hi my name is Ella. What’s yours?” she said in a sweet voice.

“Jess.” I whispered trying not to make too much eye contact.

“Well Jess it’s nice to meet you. Are you here every day?” I nodded and she smiled wider, “Great it will be nice to have someone close to my own age, oh I’m nineteen by the way.”

“Twenty three.”

“COOL, I got to go; I have to do my meds. See you tomorrow Jess.” Ella said happily driving away.

It went on like that for a several weeks, Ella would wait for me at my mat and talk to me before she had to go or I started my therapy, even then she would sometimes stay a little longer and cheer for me when I walked farther more than the last week. She told me many things like about her family, how long she’s been in the hospital, and what she likes to do, art. I would nod and talked when she asked me a question. I learned she was here because she had bone cancer and it was spreading, but Ella kept on a smile. She said she was ok with it but still would work on getting better. As the days passed I found myself smiling to a little when it was just me and her. One day when I came she was there with something in her lap. Ella looked up and practically jumped up and down at the site of me walking towards her in my walker.

“Hey Jess I made this for you.” She exclaimed handing me the paper. It was a portrait of me in black a white looking out of the window with a small smile on my face. It was very detailed, you could see every curl in my hair, every line in my eyes and the sharpness of my face but it held some softness that I have never seen before.

“Wow, thank you Ella. This is amazing.” I said still looking at the portrait.

“You’re welcome, I’m happy you like it. It took me about five days in the art room.” Ella answered smiling and a blush tinting her pale cheeks. I looked at her in amazement and that’s when I noticed something I didn’t before; her hair was thinner, skin paler, and body skinner. Ella was getting worse not better but she still had that bright smile on her face. Why though, her life was going to end and it was going to end here. I gave her a little smile before sitting on my mat to start my therapy.

After I was done, Ella was still there, her smile fading a little, “What wrong Ella?”

She looked up when I spoke, her smile returning full force, “This is the first time you talked to me. That’s great Jess.” I could still hear the sadness in her voice. “I’m just sad you have to go and you’re the only friend I have here. The doctors say I’m getting worse even taking Kemo so it’s best to do what I want right now before I can’t anymore.” She stopped a moment before saying more, “Jess will you stay for the rest of the day, we could go outside and have some ice cream, watch a movie, and maybe do each others’ hair or something’s like that.” Finished with her request and I told her yes but had to go home first. When I got home I grabbed a bunch of hair and make-up stuff than some nice clothes that would fit her, one outfit being a bright yellow T with a pair of black skinny jean or a long flowing blue dress with sequins at the bottom and I also pick up some accessories to go with each outfit. Lastly I got some movies varying from chick flicks to horror. I was going to surprise her by stay overnight; bring two pairs of PJs.

Getting back to the hospital, I ask where her room was and was informed it was the fifth floor room 505. When I got there I felt like I was in a black and white movie with little bits of color here and there. I found her room and stopped in my tracks, my suit case dropping. The whole room was covered in Ella’s art work.  Animals, portraits, landscapes and the one above her bed of an angle that looked like her with their arms open wide as if she was accepting something. It was beautiful. Ella sat in her wheelchair with her hands full of color. I walked over to her with the suit case in hand, “Hey.”

“Jess! I’m so happy you came!” Ella practically shouted out of pure joy. She looked at the suit case and looked back at me, eye brows knitted together. It’s been a month and a half and I haven’t smiled this much in all my life. Opening it up to show her, Ella almost cried.

“If we are going out I figured you would like to wear something a little better then hospital gown.” Laughing a little at her face when she saw everything I brought. We got her in the blue dress, with help from a nurse, being careful of the IV and pick line, than I curled her and put it in to a low side pony with a blue flower in her hair. Putting on some soft pink lip gloss I stepped back. Ella looked stunning you could barely tell she was sick, the smoky eye of brown eye shadow brought out her green eyes and the pink lip gloss gave her a pouty look. Ella looked at herself and was shocked.

“Is this me?” she ask putting a hand up to her face.

“Yes, now let’s go show you off.” I said leaning on the door for support. I still got weak easily but I would not show it to Ella; it was worth it. We went down to the café at the hospital and got some ice cream to eat. Finishing up, we went back up to Ella’s room. She got so many compliments on how good she look; she even got flirted with a couple times. I told her I was going to be in the bathroom for a minute and came out in my PJs.

“Are you staying overnight Jess?”

“Yep and I brought some movies too.” She smiled and looked throw the movies I brought with. We watch “The Wedding Singer” and Ella sang every song at the top of her lungs as we lay in her bed. I watched her with amusement. ‘I still can’t understand how she can be so happy’ I thought as the movie ended. Before we fell asleep, Ella said something that shocked me.

“Jess I want you to know you’re the big sister I never had. Thank you for making this the best day I have had.” She whispering looking up at me. I looked down at her; she was still in her outfit and make up.

“You’re welcome and you are the little sister I never had.”

“Wait don’t you have one?” Ella asked laughing.

“Yeah but she’s a b***h.” I said bluntly and she laughed harder. Ella fell asleep soon after with a smile on her lips.

I awoke to loud beeping and shouting. Sitting up I looked at Ella. She wasn’t breathing and there was some blood coming out of her mouth. “ELLA!” I yelled over and over again and shaking her until the doctors came running in.

“You need to step out ma’am.” A nurse said while grabbing my arm. I looked at the doctor who checked her pulse and shook his head. Somehow I got out of the nurses hold and ran. I ran. I haven’t ran ever in my life for someone but for Ella I did.

“Why don’t you do anything!” I shouted at them cradling Ella in my arms. Her hair had fallen out of it pony and was now pooled in curls on her pillow.

“She signed a DNR. I’m sorry miss we can’t do anything to save her.” I started to cry as they walked out of the room. Looking at the monitor her heart was still pumping but very weakly and I looked back at her in my arms. Even though she was dying, she was peaceful and had a small trace of a smile. I sobbed more and hugged her close telling her how much she really means to me. She is my best friend, my sister, the sun light in my life and how much I love her. The last bit of the steel barrier cracked and shattered. I expressed every emotion; anger, sadness, happiness, love, hate and a million others.

“I’m so sorry Ella, I’m so so sorry.” I said backing up to see a tear roll down her face.

I knew then what could get threw steel, fire. Ella was like the sun and I a cold piece of steel which she melted to show the person inside it. I was no longer an alien or robot. I show emotion and care for someone. That’s the definition of a human being. Smiling and choking out a sobbed before saying.

“Thank you Ella for freeing me.” I kissed her on the forehead as her heart gave out and flat lined.