Santa Tells The Rules

I had planned to post this in November. However Atomicorb has prompted its moving to the top. White trash will have to wait. "

There have been many half truths and some down right lies attributed to me. I guess I will have to lay down the rules. I hate to do it, but the time has come.

#1 I do not do live animals.
That one Grandpa and Grandma will have to fight out with Mom and Dad.

#2 I do not mend broken marriages.
Please Mom and Dad be civil. Think of the kids for a change.

#3 You can ask for anything you want.
Just so long as you understand you have to take what you get.

#4 Santa likes all kids
I like good kids, bad kids, fat kids, skinny kids, short kids, tall kids,
pretty kids, ugly kids, smart kids, dumb kids, but not goat kids they butt.

#5 I do not do discipline
That is Mom and Dad's job.

#6 No weapons of any kind.
There is already too much violence in the world.

#7 I cannot bring world peace.
If I could you would not have to ask.

#8 I do not bring coal.
Despite claims to the contrary.

#9 I like cookies and milk.
However I prefer Nick's eggnog 25 proof from White Rock Distilleries. Lewiston, Maine.

Merry Christmas to all its been a hell of a night.

Reviews

[Dezaraye]

This is way cute! I like it a lot! My favorite is:

#4 santa likes all kids
he likes good kids, bad kids, fat kids, skinny kids, short kids, tall kids,
pretty kids, ugly kids, smart kids, dumb kids, but not goat kids they butt.

Thanks for posting!

[A sea person]

Thank you for submitting this to my contest! Sorry it took so long for me to get around to reading it! :)

Adorable! I absolutely love rule #1. :)

v.r.
a-sea-person

[.]

LMAO- This was so brilliant, Frank- So awesomely composed- Yep, I have to hand it to ya- ur the real Santa hehe- Wonderful guidelines and by-laws of a great soul who makes Christmas just that much better for everyone each year :) Thanks so much for sharing! Hope ya had a great Christmas!

Mikey

[Alyssa Dufresne]

#2 I do not mend broken marriages.
Please Mom and Dad be civil. Think of the kids for a change.

#3 You can ask for anything you want.
Just so long as you understand you have to take what you get.

My two favorites.

[Carole]

Funny write, Frank. You have a great sense of humor and I love it. Thanks for sharing with us all. :) I still think your wife needs to get to posting. Tell her I said so. I am w-a-i-t-i-n-g! ***Smiles***

[Angelheaded Hipster]

*grins*

I love this....I would love to see this posted somewhere, with nice fancy lettering, or even in a Dear Abbey column.
It was witty, heartfelt, and so true. This is great.....maybe you should feature this piece in Decmber?

[Gandré]

this is brilliant my friend, delicate truths. luvu.

[KUFU]

LOL!!! This is a favorite!
Christmas in Aug? Hey, I'm down! This is just a whimsical piece the way ol fat a*s is supposed to be! Only one suggestion: how about a sequel before the holidays!

[Zephyr]

this is an especially cute piece that i really like, and is really well done. the rules are all sensible, and funny- my favorites are:
#1 i do not do live animals. and

#4 santa likes all kids
he likes good kids, bad kids, fat kids, skinny kids, short kids, tall kids,
pretty kids, ugly kids, smart kids, dumb kids, but not goat kids they butt.

very nice =)