There it goes

There it goes

A Poem by bella

First went my heart
  It shattered to pieces and when the shards flew
They punctured my lungs
  And every word you ever told me
     Every word I breathed in
       With every ounce of my being 
Left my lungs
 They didn't leave me though 
They ran to my veins 
 They flowed through my body
   And into my brain 
The poisoned blood drowned my mind
 You killed me
But who were you?
 And why did I give you this power?
You murdered me with your words
 You broke my heart
   Took away my ability to breathe
     Drowned my thoughts
And when I meet you at the fiery gates of hell
 I'll tell you what you did 
  I'll tell you every detail of the pain you've caused
But until then
 I'll carry my shattered heart
  My useless lungs
    My drowned soul 
      With me
In hopes of repairing
 Every part of me... 


© 2017 bella



Author's Note

bella
Definitely a work in progress still

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Reviews

an extremely passionate write that goes at such a reverent pace that the words seemingly slap the readers face. incredible write!

Posted 4 Months Ago


bella

4 Months Ago

Haha thank you who doesn't love slapping people in the face?
Nice flow of thoughts. I liked the story and the energy of the words. When we fall. We do fall completely. Thank you Bella for sharing your excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 4 Months Ago


You, the author, are clinically listing a series of metaphorical events that supposedly happened as a result of...umm...you don't say. And in the end, while each line triggers an emotional response to memories you hold as a result of this unspecified event, your reader has none of those memories, and so lacks context.

After you say, "First went my heart. It shattered to pieces," you've made your point.

With the list of events that follow you first drive your point home. Then you hammer it into the ground. Then you smash it to smithereens. Then you...

My point is that you, someone whose voice we can't hear are TELLING the reader about your personal response to whatever the event was. That informs, so while hearing about your response may be debilitating to you, lacking context for the reader, it fails to entertain. And people want to be entertained.

So, instead of talking about YOUR response, make the reader live the events. Place cause before effect and make the reader live the events in a way that makes THEIR heart shatter, instead of hearing that someone they don't know had it happen.

In other words, the traditional writers advice: Show, don't tell.

Posted 4 Months Ago


the flip side of love,the after effects of a relationship that didn`t make it

Posted 4 Months Ago


Really loved this one! The imagery was amazing and I like when you start talking to the person that created the pain. Very moving

Posted 4 Months Ago


bella

4 Months Ago

Oh someday I'm definitely showing them the poem haha
(applauds) The depth of this is a blade to the heart all by itself. Such anger and sadness and betrayal. Brilliant job, dear. :D

Posted 4 Months Ago


bella

4 Months Ago

Thank you!

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Added on July 29, 2017
Last Updated on July 29, 2017

Author

bella
bella

MA



About
I'm really just trying to gain confidence as a poet and hopefully get better. I have a lot to say unfortunately. Just a Jewish girl trying to help people and writing poetry along the way. more..

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