The man with no face

The man with no face

A biography by Alex Leeds

            Paul and Pam Carlyle are expecting a baby in one week’s time.  They both have always wanted a little girl and originally they decided they were going to wait to see what gender child they would be, but they can’t wait any longer.  They have decided to go visit Doctor Andrew Jackson Weiner to find out what kind of child they are going to be having.

            A.J. Weiner has stuck his arm up Pam’s vagina and is feeling around for the baby.

            “I thought you guys had some kind of machine that could see the baby and determine it’s gender?” asks Paul.  Doctor Weiner doesn’t respond.

            “I feel a wiener!” he yells.  He pulls his whole arm out of Pam’s vagina and cleans it off by way of tongue.

            “What??  What did he say??” yells Pam as she removes her iPod headphones.

            “We’re having a boy,” exclaims Paul with a hint of dissatisfaction.

            Pam screams.  Windows break.  Birds fly backwards.  Time stops.

            “What??  I don’t want a boy!  No!” yells Pam.  She begins to punch her stomach.

            “No!  Don’t do that!  You’ll kill the baby!” exclaims Doctor Weiner.  He tries to get her to stop.

            “Don’t you touch my wife!” yells Paul.  Pam continues to punch her stomach as hard as she can.  Doctor Weiner stands up and punches Paul. 

            “Nurse!  I need a Nurse in here!” yells Dr. Weiner.  “We have a baby to deliver, and quick!”  A Nurse wearing a pirate costume comes running into the room carrying a tool kit.  “Knife!  Now!” yells Doctor Weiner.  The Nurse opens the kit and hands Doctor Weiner a knife.  “I hope this works!” yells Doctor Weiner, “Cause I’m not a surgeon.  The most experience I have is carving pumpkins!”  Doctor Weiner cuts into Pam and removes the baby.  The baby is hard to recognize as being human.  It’s face has been mutilated from all of the punching.  “Take this baby to the face recovery wing.  We may need to keep him overnight.”  The nurse scoops up the baby and carries him out of the room.

            “My baby!” yells Pam.  Doctor Weiner removes his gloves and shakes his head as he leaves the room. 

            Doctor Weiner walks down to the recovery wing to check on the baby after letting loose on an unsuspecting toilet.  “How’s he doing?” he asks the Nurse. 

            With tears streaming down her cheeks, she replies “Not good.  Go have a look at him.” 

            Doctor Weiner opens the door to the room and walks over to the newborn.  “Hi little fellow,” he begins.  The baby has only one eye hole about the size of a nickel and a little mouth, also about the size of a nickel.  “Don’t you worry.  Everything’s going to be okay.”  Doctor Weiner walks back over to the Nurse barely able to speak.  “I’m… We can’t let them take this baby home.”

            “I agree,” says the Nurse.  She picks her nose and flicks a booger.

            “Uhm, could you take him?” asks Doctor Weiner.

            “Me?  I can barely take care of myself let alone a deformed child,” she replies.  This was the Doctor’s worst fear.

            “I don’t know what we can do then,” says Doctor Weiner.  He glances at his watch and his tummy rumbles.

            “Can’t you take him?” asks the Nurse, who has moved on to shaving her legs.

            That idea never even entered Doctor Weiner’s mind.  “Me?  Adopt a child?” wonders Weiner.  “I wouldn’t know the first thing about raising a child,” says Doctor Weiner.  He shuffles his feet and the baby begins to cry. 

            “Well, I have three myself.  I suppose I could show you a thing or two,” says the Nurse.  She walks Doctor Weiner back into the room and shows him how to calm the baby down.  “You just have to give him some love,” she says as she pats his head.  Doctor Weiner and Nurse Ellen are feeling some sexual tension, but it is interrupted by an emergency room intern. 

            “Doctor!  Doctor!  We need your help!” yells a small man who is studying medicine. 

            “What now, Elroy?” asks Doctor Weiner.  Elroy has been known for his extreme exaggeration of minor events.

            “I, I stubbed my toe and it really hurts,” he says. 

            “Well come over here.  Lemme take a look.”  Elroy walks over to Doctor Weiner and the good Doctor comforts him.  Doctor Weiner puts a bandage around the student’s toe and sends him off.  He turns back to Nurse Ellen.

            “Okay.  I’ll go tell the parents that the child has died.  They’ll never have a clue that he’s really alive.  You just keep watch of him,” explains Doctor Weiner to Ellen.

            “Alright.” 

            Doctor Weiner heads back down the hall to talk to Paul and Pam.  Pam is still yelling to see her child.  “My baby!  They took my baby!”

            “Please try and be calm ma’am,” says Doctor Weiner.  Pam pouts her lip and Paul becomes hostile.

            “You better not be telling my wife what to do,” says Paul. 

            “Your child is dead,” announces Weiner.  Paul and Pam both stop licking lollipops and pay attention.

            “My…boy is dead?” says Paul with a sense of disbelief.  Pam screams loud and cries.  “How could you let this happen?!?!  You are supposed to help people!!”  Paul grabs Doctor Weiner by his overcoat.

            “Please.  There was nothing we could do.  There was just too much damage to his brain,” says Doctor Weiner.  Paul begins to tear up and focus his rage onto Pam.

            “This was your fault!” he says as he sticks his index finger into Pam’s face.  His finger leaves an imprint.

            “No!  You’re the one who was against having a boy, I just went along with it,” she explains.  She continues to cry.  Paul goes over the edge.

            “AH!” he screams.  He looks around the room at a way he could end it all.  He notices a window that he could jump out of, a cabinet full of drugs that he could take, or he could stab himself with the surgical knife that is lying on top of a shelf.  He decides to just run out the door.

            “Somebody stop that man!” yells Doctor Weiner as he fails to try and stop him himself.  Elroy appears in the doorway and Paul runs right into him.  The crash doesn’t even seem to faze Elroy.

            “Doctor Weiner I stubbed my toe again,” he says.  Paul falls to the ground and cracks his skull wide open.  Doctor Weiner just laughs.

            “Oh Elroy,” he says.  Paul lies motionless as blood seeps out from his cranium, but nobody seems to care.  Not even Pam.

            “Ah well.  It wasn’t his baby anyway,” she exclaims.

            Nurse Ellen joins Doctor Weiner in a big laugh as the world has once again returned to the status quo.

            The End?

 

But wait!  What ever happened to the man with no face??!?!?!

            “I became a U.S. Senator,” he explained many years later in an autobiography not written by him.  His nickel-sized mouth and nickel-sized eye socket never grew any bigger.

 

            The End.

 

Reviews

[Miss Mary Jane]

wow. I missed reading your stuff.

[Raef C. Boylan]

Tell me if I'm reading too much into this, but it seems like your pieces always contain some valuable social commentary, and what I've taken from this one is that there's a message about lack of responsibility, in particular parental responsibility:
- " "What?? What did he say??" yells Pam as she removes her iPod headphones "
- " "What?? I don't want a boy! No!" yells Pam. She begins to punch her stomach. "
- " "No! Don't do that! You'll kill the baby!" exclaims Doctor Weiner. He tries to get her to stop.
"Don't you touch my wife!" yells Paul. "
- " "My baby!" yells Pam. Doctor Weiner removes his gloves and shakes his head as he leaves the room. "
- " "How could you let this happen?!?! You are supposed to help people!!" Paul grabs Doctor Weiner by his overcoat. "

These people exist in reality, all over the fecking place. they don't give a s**t about their kids, but turn primitive if anything happens to them and start looking for someone to blame.

It sucks.

Great work.
You could teach the writers at 'Scrubs' and 'Green Wing' a thing or two about zany. Lol.

[Lost Little Girl]

O my how I do love all of you stories. Nurses in pirate costumes.......what A strange little would you must live in.

I look forward to your next story. ^_^

[Bluet_Belle]

Ewwwwwww!!! Sticky! XP You are amazing... But that first bit is a little disturbing... Still, excelent story, as usual. You have a very strange imagination, and you are great with words. Even if they do involve oyster juice and weird guys hands...

[Sarabeara!]

I definitely imagined that sitcom style laugh at the end of this story.

Oddly funny. Very imaginative.

[Idyllwyld]

HeheheHAHAHA

Aside from the tongue-in-cheek humor (and I don't mean the obvious bits, but rather the overall) this just applies to my wicked sense of humor for the most part. Nearly British in retrospect, insofar that the humor stops for no man, women, or child, but barrels onward like an old New York steamer cab through the throngs of pedestrians. Some parts were admittedly just random and hanging, but overall the slap-humor (and by that, I mean the humor slaps you) make up for it.

Gotta love the status quo of the absurd, so in other words, perfectly normal. The rest of you normies are the weird ones!