Queen Sized Bed

A Story by Makayla

A woman writes a letter to put on her lover's grave 20 years after their relationship ended.

Dearly beloved,

I lay awake at night in my queen bed, stroking the empty space beside me. Wondering if one day you could share this bed with me. Have we gone so far that we can't be fixed? I go over the past few months in my head trying to see when the love stopped but I don't think it did. I don't blame you for how it ended. Our relationship was a victim of circumstance. Just another casualty it the war that is inside us.

Do you remember what it felt like to fall in love? I try to remember when it first started but I can't seem to remember. I think it was when we walked to the cafe in October. It was a nice day considering it was fall. The leaves were just changing into vibrant reds and oranges, barley staying on the branches that they grew from. The wind blew calmly from the east barley swaying the grass as the sun peeked behind the clouds. We were laughing about something and I watched how your eyes squinted when you smiled. It was the cutest thing I ever saw. I glanced at you when we stopped laughing. “People keep asking me if we are together.” I spoke calmly and waited for your reply. You looked at me and smiled. “I wouldn't mind that.”. I don't know if it was the way you looked at me when you spoke or the way you glowed when you smiled but I think it was at that moment that I fell in love with you. It was always there, that feeling of desire and need for you but it was that moment that I was certain that I was in fact in love with you. I can remember the smell of cigarettes in the dusty air, the sound of kids on the playground. I can remember almost every detail of that moment.

We were both damaged beyond repair and couldn't find the pieces to fix what society broke. There is no blame on either of us but there is pain in me. The pain of loss, envy and loneliness burns inside of me like house fire waiting to spread and swallow everything in its path. You've moved on and I am here stuck in this endless loop of constant events. There is no longer passion in the things that I once took joy in. I find no peace in these walls that carry nothing but the shadows of our memories.

You've moved on to someone new. Someone who can be there when I wasn't, who found all the pieces I couldn't. They put you back together and you're happier than ever. It hurts to think that they could so easily give you happiness that I could not. I feel as if I failed you, dear. I did try, but they can offer you the world and all I have for you is a rock. How can I compete with that?

This is my closure. I cannot change the past, I know that but the thought of you is my comfort. The idea that I may get to wake up in you arms helps me sleep during the long, dark nights where I can do nothing but toss and turn. Even though I know that when the sun rises it will just be me alone in my queen bed.

Forever and always yours,

Belle