Sunshower

I pressed against,
Watched his skin crack,
Like what you’d see during an ice dance.

It left an opening,
It appears warm and inviting.

I disappear and become a heavy cube,
Dropping to the bottom of the glass.

Clink.

The air seems to thin out,
I’m a cathedral upon a waterfall,
It is so loud that I can’t hear.

If you toss me,
Then do it in the light.

For I want to be a melting crayon.
I want to see the rain, but with the sun.

Author's Note

Please feel free to leave me constructive critique. I'm not sure how I feel about this one.

Reviews

[unsavable_soul]

Well,
This is a good piece and I see a lot of potential here. You have very good imagery but fall a little short to me on meaning or impact. This piece reminds me much of Dave Matthews Band - Grave Digger. This piece in my opinion was a little too vague. You gave me a few ideas here but it felt like they may have come a little short on the follow through. It is a nice little rhyme scheme in the end, creative. All in all I like this work, I think it is a little rough right now. My honest opinion would be to consider editing if and where you feel appropriate. This is all just my ides and honesty, hope they help but at the least not hinder. i always say it's you art my opinion so your the authority.
Sincerely
Chris
80/100
I take all questions on anything in this review, hope it helps and if not please tell me as much and where. i am always trying to improve at reviewing.

[popourii]

Thank you for your help. I felt that way about this piece too. Most of my pieces are usually more specific but I was trying something new and wondering how people would respond to that.

I was trying to write a piece about having being left behind by someone, but in such a way that it would leave that person feeling like it's okay and that it's a wound that will heal. The idea of crying over a loss but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel all the same which I think most people don't. That's why I decided to play with the idea of a sunshower.

I really do appreciate your constructive critique and encouragement :)

[unsavable_soul]

My pleasure,
I hope some of it was of any use, I give what I got even if it's nothing.
Chris

[Samuel Pennell]

This was really excellent! You took chances and put your deep subconscious out there! I love the ideas. "Sunshower" is a brilliant title, too! Completely brilliant.

For some reason, I think you'll like my piece "The Divine Wind," if you want to check it out. I see similarities.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/samspennell/1228785/

[Atthis Rose]

I will have to agree with unsavable. My point here is that the turn of the poem in the third stanza is too abrupt from " It left an opening, it appears warm and inviting" to
"I disappear... bottom of the glass. Transitioning. Got to watch out for that

[popourii]

Thank you for your feedback. I had it abrupt for a few reasons. I think sometime's falling in love with the wrong person can feel like that, at least in my experience. It appears warm and inviting. But then out of no where, you can lose yourself and things start to feel a little cold.

Maybe it wasn't appropriate for this piece.