A Story... Once

A Story….. Once

“Once upon a time”…
     or so the stories go;
hell, even the Raven’s Poe
used these words
     “once upon a midnight dreary.”
But who is this
knocking at my door?
She was the
     once
in my life
and I welcomed her in
once upon a time.
~~~
Upon a time
     once
this time curved around her face
touching sweet dimples,
lips upon my finger tips
and felt time
fold in upon itself
     endlessly
          once.
~~~
Time
     Upon a once
raging fire
knocking at my door
promising more….
      Now
time upon a once
           nevermore.

Aztec Warrior/redzone  10.15.16

Author's Note

....thanks for reading...

Reviews

[aLittlePain]

That song makes me teary...poignant, exquisite poetry. R xo

[redzone]

I hear you on the tears.... thanks Rach for the "exquisite" glad you liked it...

[barleygirl]

I think your new journal is coaxing a whole new level of amazing-ness from your well of creativity. I've never been one to read the poetic classics, but I do enjoy the slight glimpses of "Poe-esque" word crafting thru-out. I love this song you posted. The best stanza is the one with "sweet dimples" as your zinging descriptions therein are so gentle & slightly hesitant in a suspenseful way. I can just about feel your slightly bold shyness shining thru. I love the overall creativity of weaving your "Poe - The Raven" theme but giving it a little different feel, more authentic to "you"! *smile* (((HUGS)))

[redzone]

thanks Margie, more leaves have been appearing on this journal and they do have a different feel to them, wonderful that you have noticed... and happy you enjoyed the Poe references, as I wanted that eerie feel cause it is eerie when someone you care deeply about disappears... thanks for your wonderful review and for being you Margie

[wordman]

sounds like kathies sister and her lost love that keeps coming back
and i love the word play,very creative

[William Liston]

I almost can't explain how poignant this piece is . . . it's just beautiful . . . it evokes such a bittersweetness in my heart that I'm almost stuck for words.

The imagery and repetition in this piece are almost too perfect . . . the poem is almost dream-like and otherworldly in its essence . . . truly touched my heart.

The only thing I can critique (after reading it five times) is the punctuation and some minor wording issues. These aren't shortcomings on the poem itself; they're just things I'd consider doing differently if I were you (but of course, this is your poem so edit it as you please).

1. I think the colon in the first line is unnecessary; it created an unnecessary pause when I read it.

2. In line three, you may want to consider putting a comma after the word "hell." Since most people would pause after such an interjection, putting a comma there would (in my opinion) benefit the readability.

3. I'd consider wording lines four and five as follows (notice that I omitted the colon):

used the words
"once upon a midnight dreary"

The reason for this is because a colon creates a pause and at times (especially when used to introduce a quote) signifies a change in tone. I see no need for a pause or a tone change here, so I'd omit the colon.

4. In the lines, "She was the / once" I'd italicize the word "once" to indicate that you're referring to the 'once' as used in "once upon a time."

Hope this was helpful. I look forward to reading more of your works.

- William Liston

[redzone]

first, I need to thank you for a real critique, one meant and taken in a positive way... I really appreciate this as it has been a long time since someone has "work shopped one of my poems and I is easy to get sloppy in writing and pick up very bad habits..

second... I think your suggestions excellent and I will rewrite.. while I was looking for pauses where you point them out I agree that using some of the punctuation is a bit much and unnecessary... I will have to think a bit more about italicizing the "once" you suggest... not sure about this but I do understand the point you are making here... I putting it on a separate line did this... but again I see what you are saying and we write also to be understood, so clarity is a must...

finally, again, thank you William, it is a pleasure that you visited and reviewed....

redzone/Curt

[William Liston]

Glad I could help ... and yes, I kinda thought you put the "once" in there as its own line for that very reason, but I wasn't sure.

[1VJ]

First off, wow! This wound itself around my heart and tugged.

"this time curved around her face
touching sweet dimples,
lips upon my finger tips
and felt time
fold in upon itself
endlessly
once."
Exquisite, and raging fire, poetry doesn't get much better than this...100/100

[redzone]

thanks Paloma, I will gladly take all your "wows"... appreciated... ;0)

[Ana Papaya]

This is so charged, wow.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
That song hurts, reminds me of someone.
Bah, you got me choked up. :)

[redzone]

thrilled that you felt this poem Papaya... thanks

[Lydia Shutter]

Goosebumps....really.
"Upon a time
once
this time curved around her face
touching sweet dimples,
lips upon my finger tips
and felt time
fold in upon itself
endlessly
once."
Curt, what can I say? The love is so tender, so gentle....and the bittersweetness of losing this once in a lifetime is overwhelming. Time changes everything and life does not have a rewind button. The feeling of regret in this one is just 100 feet deep. WOW.....yea, it is "nice".....really "nice". Lydi**

[redzone]

nope, no do overs... the only recourse is to learn from the experience and to write about it... thanks for the "nice" review Lydi.. you know I appreciate your "goosebumps"... ;0)

[Kelly Scheppers]

I had to take my time around the last verse, the second time I read it. It was like driving a car around a very sharp corner - as I tried to say "time upon a once"...my mouth really wanted to say "once upon a time". But I found your closing line bittersweet...and quite lovely.

And the song, it always gets me, every time!

My best,
Kelly

[redzone]

yeah the song gets to me too.... the car going too fast around that corner and there is a steep gorge below... using your image, this is why I used that time, upon a once... I am glad you slowed down to read and leaving a wonderful comment Kelly..