Single Mother To Son

Inspired by Langston Hughes' Mother to Son....this is from a modern day single parent standpoint.

standing at a cross road

your tender palm in mine

we squeeze tight

connecting eyes 

see fear

my ability to step forward is limited when

you ask, but "ma, how do I become a man"

my answers have stopped here.

I am one soul playing the part of two

it's no longer an illusion

I can't pretend that paying bills

makes me understand how to be a man.

being a wife doesn't even fit into my life 

my daily responsibility require me to be 

transgender

open minded

heart tender from carrying

the weight of two instincts 

a woman raising a man is just as hard

as everyone thinks.

I thought teaching you to "pee"

standing up was tough

but lessons you must learn

for your masculinity 

makes me as a woman

not good enough

ill equipped for the next step

in this trip.

I've been successful in training you to learn

teaching you manners,

accountability

and knowledge of your own divinity.

for the life of me

I wish superman's phone booth

could turn me into that super man for a day or two

I single handedly handling perception.

I have always been the father for you.

but my Lois Clark birthright is kryptonite in this matter

I have to figure this thing out.

my backbone strong as tree trunks

you branch out in the breeze

I want to keep you from falling

from me

I admit I'm scared

I'm stalling on the support 

I know you need

because it hurts me to believe that

I don't have it in me. 

as super a woman as I am

I cannot represent the idea of a father 

when I'm not

My son...

I'm trying my best to raise you alone

but my femininity is my enemy

maybe I should have stayed

maybe my selfish view of 

wanting greater for you

makes everything my fault

I can't identify with being fatherless

but your sad expressions

signify hopelessness 

and that....

I am all too familiar with. 

You are my gift and maybe 

I didn't treat you like a present.

feeling like my arial view is causing 

your bird's eye view to perish.

I just don't get it.

I moved forward with life

I don't regret it.

Copyright 2010 Shelly Bell