prologue

this is that bitter kind of sad where you feel depressed and confused and nothing at the same time

i’m holding him, he's so perfect, so amazing and i'm so desperate to tell him, show him somehow but he won't listen to me and when he looks down at me with eves cold and unseeing, not filled with tears like mine, it feels like he's already gone. he looks away and won't say anything and i keep saying the same two things over and over again, i love you i love you please don't go and everytime i say it he gets farther and farther away. im crying all over him and he's holding me with one arm and holding the gun with another and everything feels so slow and so fast at the same time. I can't try to reach it because he's always been stronger than me and i know if i even flinch he will pull the trigger so i'm moving slowly, speaking softly but with every second it feels like he's already gone and i need to pull him back from the waves that keep hitting him over and over again. I need him to see how much he matters but he's too deep in and all i can do is hold him and say it over and over again. when he finally looks at me again he looks so pained so so exhausted, so desperate for me to let him do this, like all he wants is to sleep and i just kiss him because i know i'm already too late and nothing will ever be the same and he says i love you so much and i just close my eyes and cry a little harder because when he lets me go it's not because he wants to but because he can't anymore. he won't be able to anymore. I hear it go off and everything is red and everywhere  and i throw up, crying. i can't leave there but i pick up his stuff and the gun and put them in my car because i know he would want me to keep them. i know he would want me to leave but i can't and i'm not strong enough to move him to a place where he can finally sleep so i call the ambulance and until they get there i hold his hand and miss him so so much. i don't remember getting home, i don't remember the questions. all i remember is how happy he looked when i showed up at his house one day, holding this cute crayon drawing of us he had drawn and secretly left in my phone case. i remember him buying all the little kids in the neighbourhood candy because he liked seeing them all so happy. when the cops came to talk to me, i told them he was the most beautiful person i'll ever meet, and when they came again, with handcuffs this time, to take me away, i just told them i really really missed him.

Author's Note

honestly this is actually really personal but i kinda wanted to share it with you guys
its not anything special but i mean
im trying to get through something difficult and writing helps
i hope reading this doesnt ruin your day