Tequila Mockingbird

When a woman has to choose

Shooting heroin
and aiming for the stars,
trying to find the right words
to put into a few bars,
that look you just gave me
broke the strings on my guitar,
I go back to the drawing board
but writing is kind of hard
when your fists are clenched
because of a silly little wench
she found no appeal in sitting on the fence,
so in the midst of the ordeal
she split herself in two and went both ways.
Now she’s half the woman she used to be
but so am I because she used to be half of me.

Reviews

[Craig Bates]

This reminds me a bit of Miguel Pinero - quite a raw, simplistic style. If you're happy with this overall there is only really one bit that I would suggest looking at again and trying to rework:

'that look you just gave me
in your eyes left me scarred'

I know you're trying to keep the rhythm but if you think about this, it really doesn't make much sense. If it's a look, the fact it's from someone's eye is pretty much implied without having to spell it out and it made me stop reading to re-read it. If you could find something else to say here to fill the space I think it could really improve the poem.

I like that you start with a fairly rigid rhyme scheme but then aren't afraid to make things more irregular. It shakes things up and keeps it interesting.

[J.M]

Ingenious idea - so uncertain that you would split your soul rather than make a decision. Beautifully written. Good job!

[Blake Q Hatfield]

The first line is a great draw for the reader in combination with the second, it really pulls you into the piece. I'm enjoying reading your material. I think the last two work logically if this is thought of as a self reflection, not of the writer, but of the subject the writer is writing about, then the poem would be, as I would see it, a self reflective poem told by a third party. More so giving the reader something to try and identify with rather than insight on the writer.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

The ending was so brilliant and the poem over all was a brilliant reflection of one whom is on the edge of a moral dilemma.

[SoLongAndThanksForAllTh..]

Sometimes in life we have to choose between two paths but to me this poem highlights the perils if we try to follow both.

The first few lines of the poem sound very familiar to anyone who has tried to follow their art, whether it be musical or literary, when something is wrong in their life. There's real frustration in the line, 'writing is kind of hard when your fists are clenched' and the fact that the narrator chooses to almost mock the source of their negative feelings as, 'a silly little wench' underlines their self-annoyance.

There's a nice mixing of metaphors when the woman in question doesn't want to sit on the fence but then proceeds to go both ways. The fact that this is so counter-intuitive works very well and I think the final two lines are just fabulous as it sums up that trying to follow two paths only results in everyone losing out.

Structurally I found the rhythm of the poem good but for a couple of glitches. For some reason when I read the poem aloud the line 'to put into a few bars' seems to have one syllable too many. It's not a major criticism really and probably more a matter of opinion.

I like the emotions this poem conjures up. There's frustration but an element of self-mockery which then turns into a sad tone of loss.

[Trevor]

Absolutley brillant !

[Bette]

i like this. alot well done

[Mark]

There's a small nonsequitur at the end that kind of jerked me up short;
"She's half the woman she used to be...But so am I..."
Unless you're a woman also, this is illogical and ought to be reworded. I understand what you meant, that her self-diminishment has also diminished you, but that's not what the words reflect.
I appreciate as well the effort to rhyme, though I wish it were either rhymed entire, or unrhymed entire; the transition from rhymed to unrhymed (lines 11-14) was, to me, jarring.
AS TO CONTENT, HOWEVER: No complaints at all! Loved your honesty, relating that your depondency drove you first to drugs, then to music--definitely an upward progression! And the line, "...writing is kind of hard when your fists are clenched..." was sweet!

[Geralyn Miller]

Powerful and bittersweet; you are correct, when we fail to make choices and try to have it both ways we significantly dilute our self essence.

[David W Moore III]

sounds like a silly little ditty, but there are more levels beneath that areen't nearly as cutesy. Very nice disconnect! good one.

[Leech Wife]

"She split herself in two and went both ways.
Now she’s half the woman she used to be
but so am I because she used to be half of me."

These are one of the best lines I've read, and incredibly heart breaking.

Wonderful work!