Water I

September 25, 2016 at 12:06 am

Drowning is such a terrible way to die. Can you imagine trusting your surroundings and then suddenly being out of control? Gasping, fighting desperately, hoping, praying for a miracle. Wishing, that there is a higher power who in that very moment will choose you to be worthy of saving. Spending your last moments suffering and then, after giving it your all, losing. And suddenly, you're gone. And every single thing you've ever done, you've ever worked for, life as you know it disappears. Automatically you become a dark memory to those who surrounded you. Your death touches strangers and kills loved ones. You believed. You trusted, you assumed, you expected to be given another day, another minute, another sunset, another breath. And in trusting, in your vulnerability, in your aspiring spirit to be something, to be someone, to live, you lost. You couldn't even make it to the finish line. And it makes everyone wonder. Morals become distorted and life as you know it changes. Suddenly the world becomes a place of fear. A place unknown, not in the way you used to view. This fear keeps you from believing, from moving, from growing. Only, this emotion is wrong - so we're told. This fear we feel tells others we are weak and this is not allowed. Weak is bad. Fear is bad. Emotions are bad. But, you must conquer the skill of expressing yourself, to others. Those who cannot speak are weak. And weak is wrong. Weak is bad. Not communicating is bad. Emotions are good. You become confused. Your shoe laces are criss crossed. You don't know what to do. What do you believe. Why should you believe. Who makes up the rules and what gives them the right. Is this complicated or simple? We don't know the answer and that's wrong. You must know, everything. Or you're weak. Weak is bad. Not having the answer is bad. But how could there be one answer to everything? Distorted, lost, overwhelmed. You begin to drown in your head, before you even possibly drown physically. Before you ever had a chance to be right. Trying so hard, to be what you're supposed to be but you're unsure who is guiding you. You don't know your sources and your world is a scary place. You're in fear but you'll be damned if you show it, if you admit it. Because you, will never be wrong. Because wrong is weak. And weak is bad. And you are good. You must be. That's the rule. You will not be weak. You will not be weak. You will not be weak. Gasping. You will not be weak. Need air. You will not be weak. Help. I am not weak. I'm lost. I am not weak. I cannot be weak. I am not weak. Running out of time. Am I weak? Fighting. I think I might be weak and I cannot be. Sinking. I can't be weak. Slowly. Please don't let me be weak. I'm sorry. I'm weak. Drowning. Help. I can't go . . . I can't lose, must stay alive, must keep going, must not disappoint, must not prove right, must not . . . I'm losing this battle. I'm trying but defeat is winning. I need to float. I need to swim because I'm drowning, because I trusted and I don't want to fear, because it's wrong. I can't be wrong. But, wait, who is trying to save me? Why isn't anyone looking? I'm right here. I'm drowning. Why isn't anyone jumping to the rescue? Wait, I'm invisible. Nobody can see, that, I'm fighting. Don't be mad at them. Maybe it's just you. Maybe you're just broken. Sometimes things break, by accident. It's not your fault. It's ok, right now. Drowning is such a terrible way to live.

Author's Note

It is thought. It is written.