Playtime

I stay inside since daddy left

I liked to keep my room a mess,

The window broke, a scream escaped;

Though no one’s ‘round to hear.

It’s dark outside since daddy left,

the shard of glass stuck in his neck.

The sky is black, I see the moon!

I giggle, mommy’ll be home soon.

It’s quiet now that daddy left

I hum a tune and twirl about,

I hear a creak upon the stairs

and pull the shard from daddy’s neck.

Daddy’s blood spurts on my face

I squeal: what a salty taste!  

Someone’s shadow beneath the door,

I hide in wait for what’s in store.

The shard stings slightly on my flesh,

a shallow cut it does impress.  

The doorknob turns, her time has come,

Now, the real fun has begun.    

Reviews

[Savannah Hudgens]

It reminds me so much of Pet Semetary! Just the creepiness of a child killer. I wrote something nearly this morbid once. *smiles* It was nice. I enjoyed it.

V.

[Jason Katz]

Thanks Savannah!

[LouisianaBird]

This was so chilling yet beautifully written and compelling.
Very well done! (:

[Jason Katz]

Thanks, I am glad you enjoyed it :)

[Brenden Taylor]

Cuh-reepy, and not sure if it's in a good way or not. I like how the speaker refers to his parents as "mommy" and "daddy" - definitely hearkening back to the overly collective idea that a child is the speaker and thus the killer (ooh).

Just a note on the rhythm and rhyme: if it don't fit, don't force it. That is, if you want to present a powerful image or idea, give it the gravity it deserves - don't try too hard to make it fit into an iambic whatever-meter. Like in the last stanza, "a shallow cut it does impress": this line just throws me off of the flow of the rest of the poem because of its forced archaic wording. If anything, it's a missed opportunity for an endearing insight into the killer's mind.

Overall, chilling, but lacking in some parts.

[Jason Katz]

Thank you for the honesty in your critique , but, in truth, I have moved past this particular poem, and this is the final draft. I understand where you are coming from, poetry is not my strong suit–I prefer short stories–but your little nuggets of advice are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Commanda Panda]

Time to make a prequel. Why is Daddy being stabbed in the first place? I'm dying to know.

[Jason Katz]

Huh, interesting. I was planning on this being a stand alone piece, as good horror (in my opinion) generally maintains a certain level of mystery. In light of my original goal, do you still think a prequel is in need?

[Commanda Panda]

It's really up to the writer what to do with their work. Poems are best left as stand alones. If it were a story, though, I would say different.

[zainul]

The poem presents a wonderful movie.
Thanks for sharing.

[Jason Katz]

I am glad you enjoyed the piece.

[zainul]

You are most welcome,dear poet.:)

[Luna Evangeline]

Disturbing. In a beautiful, poetic wayy. :) Your rhythm is strong and flows nicely, and the imagery in the piece is superb... Overall a quite twisted and very lovely poem.. Simple yet tells a great story... I adore pieces such as this... Nicelyy done dear. :))

Much love,
.:*:.Amor.:*:.

[Jason Katz]

Thanks, it was meant to be simplistic, since it's from the viewpoint of a little girl. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

[Luna Evangeline]

Very much so thanks for sharing.(:

[Sam Mallia]

gave me the chills, this is really good.

[Jason Katz]

Thanks, Sam. Glad you enjoyed it.