A Summer Night

A Story by Thaw Zin Htun

In the middle of a hot summer night ...

A Summer Night

In a small hotel room on a lonely street of a heartless city.

4:00 am maybe defined as 'too late' for many people in the city but apparently it was not for the young man whose face can barely be seen in the dark. The only indication that his face was attached to his body comes from a smoky-lit cigarette light on his lips.

"Knock, knock". A sudden yet expected knock was heard on the room door. The young man sighed.

"Come in", shouted the young man glacially.

Light from corridor entered the room as a tall thin shadowy figure and a short plump figure came in to the room and was seated neatly.

"Long time no see, Me amigo" said the short man joyfully.

"We just talked a few days ago", the young man said in an unenthusiastic manner. "Even in the exact spot you are sitting now", he said.

"Well, days are quite long us, buddy" the short man replied in a soft and caring voice.

"Why did you summon us here?", asked the tall man with impatient voice as quite contrary to his partner.

The young man replied nothing and raised the whiskey glass beside his bed.

"Is it the same thing again?” asked the short figure in a gentle voice.

"Of course,” said the tall figure, “It is the same thing all over again. When was it not?”

"Mind your tone, Suf" the short man warned the tall one in a calm manner, but the latter ignored him.

"It never was just about that, Suf. And, you, out of all people, should know it" replied the young man in a cracking tone.

The short man sighed and asked patiently “So you are feeling …”

“Lonely? Helpless? Pathetic? Incapable? Weak? Always a feeble hopeless guy as he always is” Suf interrupted.

"I am talking, Suf" said the short guy with a hint of anger in his voice. "With all due respect, shut your mouth up"

"He is not wrong, Inx" replied the young man to the short guy. “As always, he can portray me better than anyone else.”

“It is just,” the young man continued, “days are getting longer and longer.”

Inx asked, “Have you talked with your family lately? When are you planning to go back home?”

“I don’t have a home, Inx” replied the young man in a cold manner. “It is just a house with some people I know the most in life.”

The young man lit another cigarette.

“Those will kill you very soon” Inx warned.

“They won’t.” replied the young man with full confidence.

“They will” said Suf in angry voice. “Do you think we cannot feel the pain radiating from your heart constantly?”

“And yet, you lack the ability to feel the pain constantly radiating from my existence” replied the young man calmly.

“Cigarettes are the only things that are keeping me alive up to this point. Have you ever felt suffocated from smoking to the point that you can’t breathe anything, and you can’t feel anything? Only they can make me forget what I am for a moment. No, neither of you have felt this before. So, it would be really appreciated if you two clowns don’t criticize my smoking habit”

“You have a good job, an excellent income, a true potential and a caring family.” said Inx, “and are you gonna give all of those up,” asked the tall man in a furious manner, “just because of a …”.

“It is never just about Inx, and please do not bring that subject up. It will lead us nowhere, and it will lead me nowhere but another sleepless night”

“Sleepless Nights?” asked Suf.

“I hate sleeping. It is in dreams when those demons come into my head. They started to torture me, and kept whispering about her, my family, my failures …”

“Everything they said to you might be lies” interrupted Inx.

“That is when it gets hurt, Inx.” The young man continued, ignoring the point Inx was trying to make. “None of those were lies. Everything they said were truths that I have been trying to avoid my whole life. They talked about how her life could have been better without me. They talked about how much everything I have been doing for her mounts nothing. They talked about how my mom wished the deadly virus infected me instead of her favourite son. They talked about how my father chose her secretary over us. They made me watch my deepest desires and my inability to get any of them. They made me beg for them to stop until my voice disappeared, become helpless and have to stare at all of my life like a piteous dog”

“Your past,” said Suf, “happened when you were in your adolescent. You already are an adult now, with full responsibilities. How can you choose delusions over reality like a mad man?”

“What you called delusions, my friend,” replied the young man, “are truer than what you called reality. It is always those delusions that show me what I truly am, and it is always what you called reality that tries its best to keep the truth away from all of us.”

“Your family needs your support, and if you are being like this, soon they won’t be able stand on their own. How can you deny that is not true?” asked Suf loudly. The young man thought that he could feel his anger radiating from his words.

“They depend on the money I make” replied the young man simply. “When has my presence ever been a serious matter for them?”

"It is not like that, buddy" said Inx in a comforting voice. "One day you will ..."

"Oh screw your ‘One day’ theory and screw you as well, Inx" the young man raised his voice. “Not everything that is broken can be fixed. Guess what? I am exhausted, Inx. I feel pathetic by hoping something that I will never get back from her. I feel fatigued thinking about where I am, and what I am in this hopeless world. I am so tired of this repetitive life that is haunting me on daily basis. I stopped cutting myself because physical pain can no longer protect me from the demons. Heck, I wish physical pain can still protect me from everything that those demons have been giving me and making me watch.”

“What is your issue exactly here? That her ignorance towards you? That your family does not love you? That you are bored of your own existence and think it is nothing but a burden?” asked Suf.

“Have you ever lived with demons, Suf?” asked the young man. “I have. Three demons always stay inside my head, and all of them constantly do something to me on a daily basis.”

“Two of the demons work together. The first one is called the Torturer. He always keeps on tormenting me mentally with a small knife. He chains my nerves with cold sharp razor blades, and he keeps on slashing my brain with a silver knife, but not before the second one starts his work. I call him the Whisperer. He always whispers something to me before the Torturer makes his slash on my brain. “Why do you think she will love you in the first place? You? Out of all people?” The Torturer slashes. “Wouldn’t her life be a lot better without you in it?” The Torturer slashes. “What makes you think you deserve a home, and have a happy and peaceful life as a normal person?” The Torturer slashes. “Why are you craving for warmness when everything you deserve is just a miserably burnt heart?” The Torturer slashes. Once the Whisperer finished whispering something, a slash of knife lands on my brain, drops of blood flow down to my heart, and all the words the Whisperer said are perfectly carved as scars and well preserved in my heart. Whenever my heart beats, all those scars agonize me limitlessly.

Both the Whisperer and the Torturer knows how to toy with me and how to torment me. They are professional and extremely good at what they do, but none of them could break my spirit. That is why I am not as afraid of them as the third one, whom I named the Hope. I do not know how he looks like, as I hardly see his face. Actually, I only knew him not for a very long time.

When I was in Immigrantion detaining lounge for 33 hours, I learnt the way they break people's spirit. They put everyone in a big room and locked the door. Some people have been in that room for months, others, weeks and the rest, days. They never told me what time I will be out of that room. The only thing they ever told me was "You will leave with next nearest flight". I knew the flight times, so I waited. They did not pick me up.

All I could do was nothing (they don't let me talk to their officers) but kept waiting, not knowing when I can be out of that place. It's a s****y place for sure. I just kept on sitting on a chair and kept staring at the clock above the wall. Do you know a minute can take so long inside that room? I convinced myself that If I fell asleep, the time will come, and they will wake me up to send me back. I tried so hard to fall asleep. Yes, I fell asleep sometimes but when I woke up, barely 15 mins had passed. After a few hours, I learnt that they are using our slightest hope to break our spirit.

After 33 hours, I was out of that room, but the demon from that room followed me. It is the third one, and his name is the Hope. Even right now, I felt like I am still looking at that clock. It is even worse now because I do not know what I am waiting for. I think there is nothing to come but why do I want to keep staring and keep waiting? What is the time on the clock I am waiting for will bring for me? Her equal affection? My own freedom? Am I waiting for the time when I will be free from the first two demons? A life? Something to live for? I don't know what I am waiting for but one thing for sure is that, I am so tired. That is one of the reasons I smoke. Cigarettes give you a purpose. With each cigarette, I know what I am doing, and as long as tip of that cigarette is on fire, I still have a purpose. That is how I become addicted to cigarettes.

I tried to reach for him, you know. I tried to talk with the Hope. He never answers me. All I wanted was for him to tell me one definite time on the clock on which I will be free from all these miserable things surrounding me, and get what I want, although I have no idea what the hell it is, and when it will come to me. That is how the third demon, the Hope, manages to break my spirit. And it is I, who still foolishly believe him, and allow him to tear me apart. Please do not blame me for this. I have no other choice but to believe him. It is the only thing that is holding my sanity to not go far from me.

You will never understand it, Suf. You will never understand it as well, Inx. As much as you two have been the closet to what I can call ‘Friends’ in my life, you will never know what is happening to me. It doesn’t matter if you two live nearest to my head or to my heart. It is just that, we bear different burdens of existences and you can never truly see what is happening with me and my burden.”

“Well,” said Suf, “if you start to think even us cannot understand you, it is the best if we do not talk about it at all, and it might be the best if you do not talk about it to anyone at all.”

“I agreed, and that is the reason why I summoned you two here tonight” replied the young man quietly.

The two folks look at the young man.

“I just want to bid farewell to you two”

Inx smiled and replied, “You know you cannot get rid of us, buddy. You have tried in the past and never …”

“It is not what he meant, Inx” said Suf coldly, as he stared constantly into the young man’s eyes. “He is saying the goodbye”. THE goodbye. He is going somewhere we cannot follow.”

Silence roamed the room, as the young man lit another cigarette. Smoke flew out of the window.

“I see,” said Inx in a shaky voice. “But it is not a very wise decision. You dare travel there alone? Without us? Without your family? Without her? You do not know what will be there.”

“Yes, I do not know what will be there, but I know three demons won’t be there” said the young man by smiling.

Silence roamed again.

“So long, my friend” said Inx, staring at the dark sky through the window. Not a single star was sighted on that night.

“As far as we all can remember” added the young man.

“How about your family? How about the girl?” asked Suf.

“I already have made more than enough money for them. They should be able to see the amount in their respective account tomorrow morning. And for her, well, she will carry on. It’s not that hard to replace someone like me. In fact, it might be a lot easier than you think” replied the young man.

“I don’t think so” said Suf. “There are many things you never said to her.”

“and I do not intend to say any of those to her” responded the young man coldly.

Not a sound but a lonely cricket voice can only be heard in the room.

“Well,” Suf broke the silence, “I guess it is time for us to go. You have to prepare for your journey.”

“Everything is packed and prepared. I just have to leave” replied the young man.

“I know, but there is no point for us to stay here anymore. You might need your alone time” said Suf bitterly.

“You always know me the best, Suf. Farewell, Gents. Until next time, I guess”

The young man opened the door, as the two gentlemen leave the room. Light from corridor shone on them and it reveals that all three of them had identical faces.

The next morning, hotel staffs found the young man dead on his bed. Doctors ruled the cause of death as apparent suicide.

Thaw Zin Htun

24-April-2019