Living On A Loan

Where will I be 
In a thousand years
Still picking and scratching
With familiar peers?

Will I of found my soul’s true fate
Or will I be looking till my final date
Through messy houses and burnt out floors
Off dirty alleys and endless corridors?

Will I be happy 
or sad in turmoil
My cracked withered hands 
Reaching for foil
Sitting underneath a falling sky
My fingers all black till the day that I die?

I am my worst nightmare 
The tar holds me in suspension
I’m Locked in a cycle 
Just too sad for me to mention
For left to right black prints they do hang
I just wanted no sketchy when taking my chang
To share in the laughs and share in the feeling
My body’s now rotting, left limp skin peeling


Day after day after day after day.....................







I come back for more and soon I shall pay

With shivers 

Sweats 

Searing bones

My mind tormented, no dreams 
Just moans

It’s all been downhill since the age of consent 
My childhood lost, the innocence spent
I’m sorry to you but I’m full of lament 
I’m nodding in rooms and behind on the rent

The pleasures of life once were enough
But days grow darker and me I’m not tough
But still, I’ve enjoyed my self for some years
I’ve stolen something sacred from the pain and the tears
From the ups in the sky and the downs in the pits
From slow-motion heartbeats and life in the grits

I believe soon I’ll meet my demise
Inside b***h London she eats you alive
Maybe someday I will come up trumps
But for today I shall settle and sit in a grump.

So sorry again, I’ll stop this sorry s**t
And I’ll stop saying sorry cause I don’t mean it
I’ll start to live and stop acting so coy
Cash in on my sorrow and spend it on joy.

Author's Note

All feedback appreciated, even if negative. Don't hold back, i can take it i'm a big boy ;)

Reviews

[Alira]

You know, even though I think rhyme's a bad idea in general (unless you're imitating nursery rhymes), I actually didn't mind it in this piece. I'd say this is pretty good! The last line in the third stanza I didn't feel needed that question mark, but it did need it earlier at the end of line 2 (?)--same stanza. I kind of want to know more about this "b***h London" ... maybe explain a little more the ways she'll eat you? I don't know. I've never been there. I absolutely loved the line "the tar holds me in suspension"! It's just such a different image; not many people would use the word tar ... Nevertheless, great poem!


RA

[James Ramsay]

I agree with you, i think a lot of amateur writers think rhyming is essential but it can often confine the poem and its mood when they merely search for words to rhyme instead of focusing on an emotion/mood . Your right, my punctuation does need a little work. I wrote this when i couldn't sleep the other night so i got a little sloppy! I'm gonna edit it at some point and maybe i'll develop the idea of London a bit further to. Anyway, Thanks for your reviews, they're much appreciated.

[Carlton Rolle]

powerful words you've matched. they've spoken.so much of my truth. Thanks for sharing.

[James Ramsay]

Thankyou, i'm glad you can relate

[s y e]

I really enjoyed this, James - I think you've written a really good, strong piece that holds alot of emotion and holds a lot of power. I think we can sometimes be our own worst enemy, depends on alot of things though, right?

nice piece!

[James Ramsay]

thanks noodlehead