Our Fair England

Our fair England is a house of middling views

Our fair young, strewn aside, bemused

To days upon days of wasted fate

No aim, no choice, no future date.

 

In warm set living rooms and carpeted hall

Here lie our men, their hearts all fall

At fortune that lies behind closed vault doors

Their desperate mouths never touch nor call.

 

A trudging heart-beat simply leaning on

A broken smile simply falling frown

A mind left stagnant and wasted

The weak destined for future down.  

 

No more is God, no more is cause

Our men left cold their feelings sore

As no longer shall they fight a great noble war

Instead they fight their debt’s encore

 Instead they fight a queen-faced bill

Instead they fight each other still

Their allies their foes, their foe never seen

An invisible enemy slowly cutting the seam

 

A ghost of fortune non-existent

It fights us all from negative distance

It poison’s our houses, our food and our clothes

No where to hide in the rows upon rows

 Of fair English housing with middling views

Our fair young, strewn aside, bemused

To days upon days of wasted fate

No aim, no choice, no future date 

Reviews

[Alira]

The most powerful stanza for me was the penultimate one:

No more is God, no more is cause
Our men left cold their feelings sore
As no longer shall they fight a great noble war
...

I love the idea that its "a great noble war" despite the fact that the men don't want to fight (from what I got out of it). I would definitely recommend a little more punctuation to ease up on the run-ons. Otherwise it's hard to tell where to stop. And it'll clear up any confusions on the reader's part.

Nice tying back of the last stanza to the first! Once again, your love of rhyme serves you well; great flow!


=D

[James Ramsay]

thanks rahab, i'll keep that in mind

[s y e]

Oh Sunny England. This was written really well, there is alot of emotion in this one, it really packs a punch.

Very good James!

[James Ramsay]

Thanks bumble