Once in a while ...

As my new life approaches I can't help but realize that I am about to leave my past behind, but i am scared that my closet is full of too many skulls that some might just follow me.

I couldn't help but wonder why I felt so undeserving of my acceptance to such a great school. Everyone around me seemed so happy for me, but I just didn't feel the same way. I went through a stage of denial...then fear... then doubt..but I finally got to the acceptance stage (I think) In exactly 2 weeks I will be preparing to go to UCLA. But the fear in me is enough to start a riot. I couldn't help but wonder why I felt this way. Was it because I didn't believe in myself? or was it because the people I had around me had constantly made me feel like I would't go too far? 

I remember a family member telling me that I had achieved something that they never thought I could achieve. This made me realize that my fear of moving to great heights was caused by my beliefs that my family would not believe that I had accomplished something so great. Yes, maybe to some people this is nothing. But for a girl who has suffered from self hate, depression and the many other things associated with lack of acceptance, I can say that as of now this is my greatest accomplishment. I hope to reach greater heights but for once I want to take a moment and appreciate what I have without feeling like I didn't deserve it. 

I wish that my family would feel the same way. I wish that she can tell me that she is proud of me without making me feel like I will mess up once I am out of her watch. I wish that she can support me and just listen to me. I have always admired anyone who has a connection with the person who gave them life. Even if I deny it so much, I do wish we would stop fighting and just love each other. Yes, we may argue once in a while, but not every day. Not to a point where I have to avoid going to places where you are because I feel like you will try picking a fight with me. I want these last few days to be good. I am tired of always being in a bad mood because yo don't like the way a dress looks on me. What the f**k happened to mothers loving their kids and making them feel like they are perfect? Since when does a mom have the guts to make her only daughter feel like she deserves all the hate in the world? I feel that this is the reason why I felt that I did not deserve anything better.

I may not be the perfect daughter, and yes, maybe along the way I did too make some mistakes and that is maybe why I get all this s**t. Hopefully one day everything will fall in place and I can say that i am happy and actually mean it. Once in a while I wonder whether life would be different if only I saw eye to eye with her... but sadly I will never know because my definition of happiness is her definition of distraction...