No Escape

It is finally a new year, and I just realized that I am all alone and it is okay.

Ps. This story has no structure

 

Today was a good day... well I say good because I feel that I did something other than sit and feel sorry for myself. My mom woke me up at 6:47am and when she tapped me I remember saying “Yes”, as though in my sleep I was just waiting for her to wake me up. I had a job interview which I had to get to by 9am. I got ready and my dad drove me to Santa Monica. During the interview, I was asked to describe myself and like usual, I did. I don’t know why I always say that I am an outgoing person in my interviews, maybe because I wish I actually was outgoing.

My past year, has been a series of failures after failures, I have literally destroyed my little social life because I have a habit of thinking that everyone has a problem and my ego does not let me accommodate other people into my life. The only person who is an exemption to this rule is my boyfriend… in all honesty I think he was the last person that I have let into my life in the past 3 years. I am a college sophomore and I can tell you this without a doubt, I have no direction whatsoever. I keep doing things because I think I should be doing them but I really don’t have motivation. College has been a rough journey for me, I am a socially awkward person who has tried doing everything to fit in. I have joined clubs, but I would end up just not showing up. I have tried dressing like everyone else but something still doesn’t seem right. I have joined a sorority but I ended up dropping it after investing time and money in it. I thought that joining a bunch of random girls would help me create “lifelong friends” well that was bullshit.

This past year, I had more phone interactions that I did actual face to face conversations. I spent 9,145 minutes listening to Spotify which acted as a way of me avoiding feeling alone. In many occasions, I refreshed all my social media apps because I had gone through my whole feed. I stopped eating in dining halls because I was tired of sitting alone, so I started getting to go dinner which allowed me to eat in my room while acting like I was too busy to waste time in a dining hall. I have even tried drinking so I could maybe fit in more, but that left me almost dead. In short, I have done almost every possible thing I can but I seem to not belong at such a wonderful institution. I am also dealing with body image issues, I have been trying to lose weight because I think It might make me happier. Of course, that is not true, but that’s just my way of trying to fit in. It has been challenging but now when I think of why I want to lose weight, I tell myself that it is for health reasons but that’s just some of the bullshit I tell myself so I can keep pushing.

The saddest thing happened to me this week, I thought I could move into my dorm so I asked my parents to drive me to school. Unfortunately, when we arrived on campus, I could not enter my dorm so I asked a “friend” if she would let me stay at her apparent because I had an interview the next morning. She agreed but she said she was in the movie theater and she would be out at 9pm. I decided to wait but, once it was 9pm she stopped answering my texts. Let me point out that I had waited 2 hours for her and my parents were obviously exhausted. I became stranded because even when I called her she was not answering, in short, she didn’t want me to stay over. I decided to go back home and on my way home my parents told me that I could not count on anyone to help me because It was clear that even the one person I considered a “friend” would not help me. Deep down I had always known I could not trust her, but after that day I was definitely done with her. I have a lot more to say about her but she is not worth my time.

This year I am hoping to just focus on me and my classes. I have a supportive boyfriend who is also in college and dealing with similar issues but he is way more stable than I am. He does not try to fit in and is contented with his current situation. I sometimes wish I was like him. He is a man of few words and cute gestures. I seriously don’t deserve him. His family loves me even though I cannot communicate with them because I cannot speak Spanish. He has been there for me through it all but, this year I want to do things on my own. I don’t want to be the crybaby who complains about everything. I want to deal with my situations alone because that is how I was before he came into my life. Yes, I am alone, in fact I want to be alone because I want to see how strong I really am.