Pygmalion's Plea

Pygmalion's plea to Venus

I fashioned my love’s frown of dull command

    And sneer of some embellished, soundless clay.

    From morning to the night, from night to day

I dwelt nearby my love, and couldn’t stand

To peel my eyes from off her cheek’s faint brand,

    Nor off her lips, embroidered with the ray

    Of gold and ruby, bright as stars of May

Yet cold as winter wrapping autumn land. 

    Oh, Venus, my poor heart and stricken soul

        Fell not for women of pure human touch

     For I have dipped myself in folly’s bowl

         But deem it folly I should not, for much

    I’ve loved, but Venus, ever in my dole

         I’ll live if stays to be of icy stone, this statue’s clutch

Author's Note

Does the word 'assay' fit in terms of meaning? Should anything be edited? Should I add something? Thank you.

Reviews

[Frieda P]

Eloquent, sad and beautifully written as always Gleb...you do this best.

[Jack...]

Gleb, another romantic charming tale you have peened today. It seems you have edited it because I don't see the word assay anywhere in the poem, but as it stands now, I wouldn't change a thing.

[Gleb Zavlanov]

I edited the poem and took out 'assay.' Thank you, though. :)

[Baby Ricochet]

Old school, I know that story. Nice ode to the Goddess

[icelandicblue]

The poem is lovely and tinged with sadness. I found these words pierced my heart:

For I have dipped myself in folly’s bowl
But deem it folly I should not, for much
I’ve loved, but Venus, ever in my dole
I’ll live if stays to be of icy stone, this statue’s clutch

[writ rajat]

well done with some editing

[Sami Khalil]

"For ever as her pride, day can’t be grand.

Oh, Venus, my poor heart and stricken soul

Fell not for women of pure human touch"

This has a human and a mythical touch...Thank you for sharing your magic pen...:)...............

[J. Alfred Prufrock]

here again, speak from the heart, don't go through a dictionary to find words to use in a poem. it never comes off as genuine. "assaying" is the correct form of the word for the sense you are trying to use. it means evaulation. assay without the suffix does not fit your usage here. assay is a noun not and action. poetry should flow from the heart, not be constructed with the mind.

think on it. i'm sure you will agree

[Gleb Zavlanov]

Actually, I don't use a dictionary, and I wrote this without thinking too much. Simply put, this came from my heart. I guess it sounds a bit technical, but hey, at least I didn't use my mind, but my heart. Thank you though for the review. I knew something was wrong with 'assay.' Thank you. :)

[J. Alfred Prufrock]

you're welcome. ok, if you insist. i can only imagine you have a very formal heart. lol i've read a lot of you stuff. its just seems you are trying too hard. you love of the classics is admirable as i said before, and i appluad that. but the job of the poem is to influence the mind iof the reader, to show them a new perespective, and to impact them. its hard to do that unless you speaking to the modern mind in its own language. write one poem tonight with the same language you speak in every day conversations. avoid thinking to much into the specific language until you have a rough draft. do you edit as you write? ifd so, make an effort not to. get out a rough idea of your poem first. then go back and edit.

cheers
prufrock

[Gleb Zavlanov]

Seems like good advice. Thanks. :)

[Gleb Zavlanov]

P.S. I edited this poem, and I think you might like Children, War, and Hate better than any of the other formal work I've written.

[J. Alfred Prufrock]

ok, i'll check it out.
cheers