Without Violence

A Story by zcam

A Satire

There are a few things in this world that just drive me crazy. Sick, sick things, like prostitution, terrorists, Mexican immigrants who drive at whatever speed the wind blows; and not to mention Arby’s, that consistently finds a way to put more ice in my drink than there is space to fill the cup. (When I say large coke, I’m not joking with them, I have no sense of humor when it comes to my beverages, maybe they think I’m just asking for a freezing cold sample in a large cup).

But I digress, more than anything, there’s that one thing, that pain in the a*s, the thing that every pageant robot queen with a plastic face wants to disappear from existence. I’m talking about war of course. What is this foolish combat that we submit ourselves to so frequently? One person against another in an epic battle, countries against countries, Al Gore against planet earth and the sun—whatever it may be it just seems that everyone is at war. And I’ve had just about enough.

There are so many different types of this “combat” that I’m going to call war. More like, violence in general really. And I want it all to be over, so I can sit by the beach, sip my lightly-iced cola and be in peace, and not worry about someone coming over and shooting me in the face while I’m relaxing.

I have, with much time and exercise of the mind, come up with a plan to save us all from this menace we call violence and war. Have no fear people! It is fool proof and you will forever live in peace and be well. By following these simple plans of action, I will ensure that there will be no verbal violence, no combating of wits, no action movies or action heroes, or lizard-like creatures to demolish our Asian cities, and certainly no war to wage on other countries. This is the part when I solve all of your problems. You can admire my genius and thank me later.

Firstly, we must build a warehouse, approximately the size of Texas, but with room to expand, in a country that doesn’t really matter very much, so that we can store the “offenders of peace”. Canada, perhaps. Or, maybe Mongolia. The warehouse would be completely painted in eggshell white, of course, because everyone with their head on straight knows that the color promotes peaceful thinking. Then, the logical next step: we must seek out the offenders and capture them.

Terrorists will be sent to one room of the warehouse, separate from the others. They should be obvious and the most easy to pick out, since they all live in only Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan. Once acquired and locked up, they will then be shaved bare and forced to wear skanky women’s apparel, while listening to Madonna backwards, until they rightfully implode on themselves. Or, if they begin to comply, and dance promiscuously, we will simply transfer them to the pop princess room, where Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton will be doing arts and crafts in a swimming pool full of mud and vermin.

Then we will grab the evil leaders of the world, like Kim Jong Il, and the neo-Nazis, and all communists, socialists, anarchists, atheists, and cowboys, who we will place in a separate room where they will be chained down, just far enough from each other so they can not touch, and will be forced to watch a documentary on the eating habits of the porpoise, voiced over by a gay man with a terrible lisp, repeatedly until they die of brain damage, or go mad, in which case we will hand them a dagger to end themselves. You see, they are the violent ones, not us.

Certainly, we must take care of the prostitutes, who spread the STD warfare, with all of their Ammunition Inside their Deadly Sex-appeal, by taking them and making them read pieces of Faulkner and Emerson’s writing, and forcing them to construct narratives about chastity and the common housewife. This should certainly cause them to fall asleep, and we will then replace their minds with hot air and send them into space. Because no one wants prostitutes, especially in a warehouse full of “bad boys”.

I know what you’re thinking, just to be safe, what about those people who will have the mind to think and revolt, and what about the ones who have so little up there that they won’t know any better than to cause a riot. We’ll take care of them too, no worries. Anyone with an IQ over 100, and under 75 will be placed into the same room, watching re-runs of Barney and Friends, until the “big thinkers” shut off the screen, and the “short minded” throw a fit and erupt in rage, and they all consequently destroy themselves.

So, what are we left with? My peaceful friends, we are left with a world free of violence, and full of people who are too mediocre to do anything about it. There are certainly no drawbacks really. We will have the world to ourselves and can just prosper on our own time. Hell, It’s been scientifically proven to work. By scientists. With lab coats. So believe me, There is no better way to rid the world of violence.

Remember arguments? Remember Fights? Remember WMD’s? Well forget them. Because there will be none. Everyone left will just be happy to be where they are. In fact, there will be so few people that many of us can just have a piece of land to ourselves, and roam wherever the hell we want, build whatever we want, say whatever we want. And, no one will do anything about it, because by getting rid of all the evil, and all the potential for violence, we will essentially have ourselves a world full of spineless p*****s. But in a good way. Truly. So celebrate.