A Stream Of Consciousness Forum Welcome to your life

 

Just wanted to go downtown this morning, to buy a 2009 calendar and check a few stores I use to love. It's such a clear morning, cold but sunny, the sky is just so blue and Rome is even more beautiful in bright days like these. You just never wanna go home, you would wander forever in her historic womb. I bought the calendar and a few books, the books I love to read, not novels, no, I almost never read novels. I love eastern philosophy and books that can expand your mind, your consciousness, your awareness, books that sparkle your inner wisdom and your sense of meaning, of purpose. That's what I love.

And all of sudden I just felt the need to re-enter a church, after a very long time. I just needed to thank God which is something I always do, even if not in a church. But this morning I felt different. I just needed a church to thank Him for all I have, for every single second He wanted me to live on this planet, for this life He has given me. For all the wonderful times He gave me and for all those times so horrible and nightmarish that I thought I wouldn't have survived but I did. And here I am. For all those people that I love and make up my daily life, for all those I'll never meet again, for all those that killed me so deliberately in the past. I just felt this huge need to talk to Him and let Him know all of my gratitude, for any single instant I've spent on this earth. And to donate myself to Him right now and forever. I have many wishes, I have dreams, I have desires. But I'm not here to accomplish them. I'm here to accomplish what He wants me to accomplish. And nothing else. I can only hope that some of our wishes and dreams and desires correspond. But I'm not the One who will decide on that. He will. Take me where You know that I have to go. Bring into my life the people that You know I have to meet and love. Make my life what You know it has to be and become. I'm just your man at work.

And then I roamed a little more, till the Pantheon square, one of my favorite places in the whole city. I just love the contrast between the square so small and the f*****g huge Pantheon. And I felt you, coming towards me, in the middle of hundreds of those strangers we call tourists. I felt you, Love of my life, I think I even saw you, coming towards me, following your own peculiar path to reach me, a path which is shown to you by a timeless depth that knows everything, a path I don't want to and don't have to interfere with, because it has to be yours and yours alone. And it's taking you to me. Love of my life. I'm finally ready to welcome you with an open heart and and open soul. Ready to give you all that I have inside for you, all that nobody has ever had just because it has never been there, so clear and powerful and warm and fearless as it is now. All that I have been meticulously working on till now. I've never been in love. Nobody has ever been in love with me. Looking back it's not hard to believe, at least for me. It would have been too much. I wasn't ready, I wasn't strong enough to be vulnerable, I wasn't whole. I was just wandering through life like a stranger in my own body. And I never ever believed that love and somebody else could have saved me. I needed to save me first. Just like I never ever believed in just “dating” or “going out with someone”, I've always wanted the real thing. And so I've been waiting, all my life, till now.

I remember an epiphany, many years ago. I was in the studio, at my parents' house, the same studio where years later I wrote many chapters of my first book, wearing a Madonna sweater, black with her picture in white and “Italians do it better” written on. I must have been what? 13? not much older anyway. I was just hidden potential, back then, and rage and fury and desperation. And I felt it. I knew that when I would have been able to write my first book, the Love of my life would have found me. And I thought that it would have happened because of the book. But now I know better. It will be because of the book, but not the way I used to believe. It will be because of the book because to write it I had to shed of my self, of my ego, of my previous life, of all I need no more, to became all that I am and all that I want to give. And now I'm ready for the Higher Love, for the purest love you can imagine, which is not stability, it is not sacrificing together for some higher good, it is not compromising, it is not just building a family and having kids, it is not just sex, it is not just filling someone else's voids, it is not changing the other to please you, it is not becoming the center of somebody else's life nor making somebody else the center of your own life. It is Love. It is you and I, together. Two people, imperfect as we are and perfect as we are. It is being splendid. It is chasing the sun. It is reaching our full potential. It is working on our dreams. It is helping each other shooting for the stars. It is overcoming every limit and just be who we are. Together. Till death do us part, like in the movies, yes, but real and whole. It is discovering something new each day. It is making soul-love. It is letting you be and shine. Sharing the core of our being, cooperating, struggling, being one and separate, letting each other flow and be exactly who we are for real. It is this silence I need to write, it is this ocean I have inside, it is this quench for spirituality I feel, it is this craving for solitude that I want you to be part of. It is this inspiration burning inside, it is this inflamed sensitivity that is consuming the whole of my being. It is all of me I wanna share with you. It is all of you I want you to share with me. Day by day, till the end.

I don't wanna get married. I don't need anybody to tell me I'm married to the Love of my life. I will know when I am married and I know that nobody will take it away from me. Welcome to my life.

And now I just have to go back to my daily life, to take care of all the practical details I have to work on, knowing that something bigger than me will take care of the rest, of my mission, of all I have to be and accomplish. Even if it's hard to go back to your present after epiphanies so clear, after glimpses of future so sparkling and powerful. To turn on the TV and see all the s**t they just brainwash us with all day, all the s**t they are selling us as “life”. This is my life, me writing. It cannot be anything else. And the Universe taking me where I belong. Taking me in your life, becoming a part of your soul, of your heart, of your life. Sharing my world with you and waiting for you to find me, to share your world with me. To work together to let our true potential bloom and accomplish our mission. Don't lose the chance to become who you are for real. To become that void ready to be filled with the essence of your being. We don't need layers and layers of normality. Just let go of all the unnecessary. Just forget anything you've been told it's right. Let go of all the noise, of your idols, of you who you know you are not. Shed of your skin and let yourself flow.

Welcome to your life.

From my blog at www.silviamick.com

good.  believe.  be alive.  finish finding yourself.