Anti-Claus' HELLiday Hellions... Forum Letters to Anti Claus'

It's time, it's time...and I've been a very naughty lil' Minion this Helliday Season so I'm putting my wish list in.

{{{{{{{ Put that lighter down Bradley...don't think I don't see you! }}}}}}}}}}}}
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Dear Anti Claus',

I'd thank you for your gifts of puppy heads and Tiny Tim's crutch you left for me last year...and tell you about the fun I had playing street hockey with them, but I got a splinter from that rickety old thing and they had to cut off my tail bone. (don't ask)

I have been a terribly naughty minion this year and I EXPECT retribution! You best be bringing me some goodies. So here's what I want:
3 Katana Swords to replace the ones Selene ganked off of me
2 homemade shanks...and tell those elves of yours if they don't do a good job on them they'll be getting them back...in the eye!
and some of that mistletoe...now you've got me cravin some more.

Got that?!

With love, xoxo
Little MuSey-poo

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*curtsies and flips you the bird*

Dear Anti-Claus   I have been a bad bad boy    I dont ask anything for me for anti-christmas  , instead :   I would like to see our elected officials who spend our tax dollars on war join our soldiers on the front lines   I would like to see bureaucrats who have tangled social services enjoy the comfort of a tent city for the holidays   and could we do something about country music, at least teach them meaning of what is a cliche ' .   Robin    

oh and Anti Claus -  please bring this website a real computer system ~

Dear SantyFatassAntiClaus~   firstly~ put this ball gag in your mouth and shut that ho ho hoing up for 2 minutes~ my wish is simple~   I would like peace on earth, good will toward men, a grenade launcher able to accomodate 90% of senate and 88% of congress, a anatomically correct blow up Rudolp, EVOO resistant Twister board, a much bigger alimony check, a higher insurance rate on the ex husban thing, a new tutu for the goat, a Jimmy Choo bag to go along with Pony's prada heels,  an patrridge in the pear tree!   now gimmie back my ballgag you pervert!     SWAT!!!!

Dear Anti-Claus,   Oh great Anti-Santa, Anti-Matter, Anti-Hero, Anti-pasta   I have a bone to pick with you, specifically the femur....of the Tiwanses kid you left under my Anti-Tree...he was not "fresh" as his packaging indicated, one leg was shorter than the other and sure it was amusing watching him run in circles, but that got old real fast! Upon post mortem I found someone had sawed a peice out of his leg and super glued him back together...not acceptable!   The rock you left was pretty and did come in handy when mom started mouthing off to me, but I had to get rid of that too...the police were asking too many questions.   And the Sea Monkeys were just a rip off plain and simple!   So this year I am expecting better. I've been evil and done bad as best I could. Payback, like me on ladies night, is a B***H and YOU owe me ya fat bastid! I want a grenade launcher, the one that fires single or multiple rounds with a twin magazine. I want a big box of lye, with a bottle of phosphuric acid. I want a spear gun or a big sharp harpoon. I want disposing bodies for dummies, kindle edition please.   Oh, and world anarchy!   Ok fat s**t, get to it...i wouldn't eat the cookies or milk that will be waiting.   Your minion in evil, Father Mook De Brickinyourface   p.s. a baby seal club would sweeten me up a whole lot!    

I'd like to ask for an immediate end to those damn 'sparkly' vampy vamps! Is it asking too much? Sh!t, that whole story could have been done in 45 pages instead of 1500. Stop your b!tchy whining chica! And sparkly? Really? I think Edward went out without his makeup on once... transvestvamp... or is it vampvestite? I love him... I love her... I want to be a vamp... I want to marry you... I can't commit to marraige... wait... was that a cute wolf? (that was books 1 and 2 and part of 3) Can't we skip the last movie. The first three brought the cumulative IQ of the world down by over 23%.

Dear Robin, I am afraid i cannot fulfill your request because simply, congress and 98% of washington are there because of me. It has been my goal since this "god loving" "santa loving" country was founded to bring it down from the inside. Every annoying crook, liar, corrupt b*****d is mine. They signed a pact with me and unfortunately for you, i have to honor that. what i can do for you is this. I will take all of their children on christmas eve, suck the life force from their little husks and video tape it. Then i will send this on to each and everyone of them. if they do not have children, well, then i will just implant a succubus intern on their staff...and it will only be a matter of time and you'll see them on CNN. It's the best i can do, but, you live in California...you really don't deserve anything nicer than that, lucky bastid! ho muthah feckin ho Anti-C

oh and Robin, about the cafe and their computer? after the s**t they have put me through trying to answer your letters...consider their I.T. guy cornholed!!

Dear Seleney aka Cany Cane... You need to learn some respect...in order to do so...i'm going to drive the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile right up your *CENSORED*, shove your head right up Rosie O'Donnel's *CENSORED*, and make you sit like that for the rest of Obama's term. Regarding your sappy little "Peace on Earth" bullshit...what are you miss *CENSORED* america??? i'll give you peace on earth...how bout i wipe every living soul off the face of the earth...there will be plenty of "peace" then...but you'd like that too well and i'm not burger king or santa claus!! so what you'll get is locked in a small room bound and gagged (yes, the same one i just used) with all of your ex's, nymphomaniac midgets, and 87 12 year old girls who just saw the movie "Eclipse" for the third time. oh yes, one more thing, i can send up a tutu your way. ho! Antsy Claus   PS-i'll be back in 3 months when the weiner mobile needs an oil change

dear father mook, regarding last years tiwianese kid-n-a-box i did not realize you were a 7th day adventist, so...7 days after christmas is a little long to be leaving a little boy in a box without food or water. His gimp leg situation is the fault of my slaves whom package these things. The little impish bastids tried starting a union so i took away their lunch breaks. I punished the one whom took a bite out of your kids leg and then tried to cover it up. You will be recieving his balls in your stocking complete with jingle bells cleverly inserted inside them. The comment about me OWING you??? who the f**k do you think you are? you are my f*****g priest, and priests are supposed to suffer, so quit being such a whiney p***y and whining like a democrat: "Waaahhh i'm entitled, waaahhh i want to be on welfare"...asshat!! the only thing you're getting from me this year is a f*****g dictionary so you can f*****g spell!! i may be nice enough to shove a dradel up your yamica, jewboy, so go burn your candles and preach the bad news like i told you to. before you go crying to your little Equal Rights Agency about me, remember...you signed a contract, fucko, and i'm not one to tolerate turncoats, capische? happy F**K YOU hellidays, b***h ANTI CLAUS

Dear Mr. Moore, Consider the Twilight ordeal dealt with. i had stephanie meyer's hands broken and tongue removed. I swear to gad if they don't come out with a decent vampire movie soon, i'm going to f**k hollywood good. Robert Rodriguez had the right idea...strippers, vampires, guns and bar fights...now THAT is what vampirism should be about. thank you for taking up the cause. i thought if i saw one more sparkly vampire i was going to blow a nut. i am also giving you some iron pills...may help with that vien popping problem you got going on. just sayin... merry *CENSORED* axemas

Ahem, mr spelling nazi, "vien popping problem" VIEN??????????   Just a sayin'   Father Mook, priest to the stars, mechanic to the Pope