I Am Woman Forum friends with benefits, a serio..

Okay ladies, here is the deal. What are your thoughts on friends with benefits? AND how long do you think it is healthy to have a friend with benefits. The reason I am asking this is I have been sleeping with the same man for a year this week. I had NO IDEA it had been that long till he pointed it out. His birthday is this week and it was on his birthday last year that we started this whole thing. Now my thoughts on friends with benefits is, why not. when done correctly it can be wonderful I respect this man, enjoy his company outside of sex, and value him as a friend. He has been nothing but kind to me. He does not talk about what we do with other people or think any less of me for sleeping with him. I honestly think he understands me better then any other person I know, and he has allways said I am the only person that "gets" him. Now I know what you must be thinking...uh then why are you not together? I honestly dont know. I am easy going and I just always thought, hey if something happens it happens I am just going to go with the flow. This however is not a flow, this is the Freaking Nile! Its not complicated though. We have taken a month off here and there to date other people, and it didnt hurt, no one got jealous. We were still friends, still saw each other just as often we just did not end the night in our normal fashion....Should I keep going with this the way it is? Should I marry him? Should i dump him??? I dont know. I was not overly concerned till I realized it has been an enitre YEAR? Advice needed!

Oh and did I mention it is the best sex I have ever had? EVERY SINGLE TIME

Been there... a total of 3 times. the one fellow stopped the sexual part of the relationship because he wanted more from me than i wanted to give him -- i wasnt ready for an actual relationship - i wanted someone to hang out with and when i needed it i wanted to know i had someone to give up the goods...
the second was about a 6 month interaction - he moved away it was a lot of fun... and had a lot of fun with him... although he almost broke my nose once while we were asleep... but i had some issues with him... the third, well i started to fall for him and well he fell more in love with how good we fucked (oh yeah it was good). I think though after awhile its hard to just be friends that have benefits, new feelings start to come in and it gets more difficult to keep the being friends with benefits thing up...
well now thats about all i guess i got to say about all that...

I just posted a poem on friends with benefits..its called "Between Your Body & Mine".

What I think is weird is that the female is often labelled the w***e or the s**t or the cheap tramp while the man can go out and do anything without impunity.

The problem I have with "friends with benefits" is that while you may see some "benefit" (that's debate-able) you almost never see the friend. Seriously, when it comes down to being real, caring about you as a person and wanting the best for you--forget it! The so called "friend" is ultimately in it for their own self-serving agenda. There is a song called "Rehab" by Rihanna that goes "You were using me in a different way than I was using you". To me, that's what it all amounts to: being used.

For some people the arrangement works. I think even some married couples are more like "using each other" relationships. In my mind, the question you, individually, have to ask yourself is "Is it worth it" and "If so, at what cost?" And ask again because over time the answer might change.

Either way I am not going to judge--we are all women, and surviving the best we can.

Namaste~ Lynn

That was very well put!

I think a friends with benefit arrangement can work as long as no one is in love with anybody.

I personally think if you are at the point in this arrangement where you feel more from him than the sex you get it is time to call off the arrangement even if it doesn't lead to a relationship.

Friends with benefits can only truly work as long as it remains being friends who have sex.

I had a friend who had a mad crush on a guy. He basically told her he wasn't interested in a relationship. They agreed to have the friends with benefits kind of deal. She went along with it with the feeling that he would eventually fall in love with her. One of the deals was that if she started falling in love with him and wanted more the arrangement had to end because he felt it wasn't fair to her that he couldn't reciprocate what she wanted. So anyway this arrangement lasted a couple of months until she called me up crying. He had broken off the arrangement because he caught on to her falling in love with him. She was upset because she truly thought she could make him fall in love with her or want something deeper.

My opinion if you are starting to have those toasty warm feelings about him than yes it is time to call of the friends with benefits thing. Once you start entering love and other emotions that go with love it all falls to hell and you end up getting your feelings hurt because the person your with wants no more than the sex you give him or her.

Kate

I have done it and I can tell you that it is a 50/50 type of deal. With the first guy, it was fine until we got bored of eachother. The second is my current bf. I offered shortly after we broke up once. That night is what brought us together, because there WAS something and is still there between us. As for me...unless I KNEW it would lead to something, I don't bother. I like to be selective and try out new "options". LOL Freinds with benefits to me is like eating the same meal all the time...can't do it. I require loyalty and stability...that kind of deal don't offer it. It is all about what YOU expect out of this? For you to ask, that means you know on some level you have wasted time and bedspace for Mr. Maybe when you could of been scouting for Mr. Right. On some level, you realize that you have just been a back up plan for this guy. When he says you get me...gurl, he is trying to keep that window of oportunity open!!! LMAO Think like a guy now...why spend two dollars for a gallon of milk when I can get it free from the girl next door. It was fun why it lasted using eachother, but you my dear happen to be getting tired of it and wondering if you should be doing more, expecting more...better. What does your gut tells you?

This is one of the first times my gut is not saying anything really loud and clear. I know I am not in love with him, I am not reallyconcerned with falling in love with him. It has been a year; i think it is safe to say we missed the boat on the warm and fuzzies.

Well, maybe you are bored,,,maybe you see you wasted a year of your life having meaningless sex when deep down you know you could have done better. You just might have outgrown him when you seen you put an entire year into something that did not really as much to you as you thought...the benefits did come with a cost after all.

Well I may shock everyone when I say I have not had sex or a relationship in 15 years....................no that is not a misprint I really said 15 years! After my divorce I did not want the problems that come with having someone else in my life. My children were young and I spent my time working and being a mom. It is only recently that I have thought about it. And to answer the questions forming in your minds I'm sure...........no, I didn't miss it

Well, I feel that having a friend wit benefits is really a waste of time and of yourself.
It can be lots of fun, if you play by the rules. But sooner or later someone will catch feeling. It just can't be helped. But if you both are casual about it, you'll both get bored eventually. And If you were friends before, you might risk losing that connection.

I think "friends with benefits" are overrated. I had one of those recently and without even intending to, I became much more emotionally attached than I should have. I knew from the beginning it would never be anything serious because he had a lot of major baggage and just really wasn't capable of having a real relationship, but I got caught up in the "niceness" of it all and only realized it after it was over and he was all I could think about.

I say if you've been "seeing" this guy for a year now, find out where you stand. Sort out your own emotions for him and if you feel that it's time to take it to the formal level of a relationship, go for it. Find out how he truly feels about you. If you are happy with it the way it is, just be careful that you don't realize after it is too late that your feelings for him actually went much deeper. That's really all the advice I can give.

Namaste Ashley,
I met my friend 27 years ago. 25 years ago, we started having sex. We ended up getting married. It was much like you are... it was never head over heals... but he was and is now my best friend.

Do as you will... but face it... a great friend is harder to find than a good lover. When you have both in one person... then why let it go? I've been married for 24 years this New Year's Eve and we lived together for 2 years prior.

We got married because I decided to have a kid after my dad died. I didn't care about the wedding thing ... but he did. So we got married. Life is not easy... but at least I share it with my best friend. That's something.

I don't know if any of this helps... that is my experience.

I wish you well.
Elaine

Friends with benefits? Do you usually love your friends? I know I do, so it would be love too for me, I couldn't just have sex with a friend. My feelings run too deep and it would turn into love and that could cause problems..so unless there was a chance of being truly in love with the friend and vice versa, no sex..for me sex is for my lover,someone I love and who loves me... sex for the sake of sex , well sometimes it happenes but the feeling is a little hollow without love, this is just me.

There's nothing wrong with it as long as no one wants more from the other than the other is willing to give. Why should guys get to have all the fun when girls are labeld s***s? I say if its the best sex you've ever had and there's still not more going on between you two then go for it!

Actually ....
Your gut (( IS )) saying something loud...AND clear. You are not comfortable with the relationship,or you would not question it.Especially in reaching out in a fairly public manner.
More could mean...
a different relationship ....more commitment...many things really.
You want ( MORE) from it...What that (more) might be ,you must decide for yourself

Sex without being absolutly commited to the heart attatched to it ....is never advisable,always is "missing something" and usually winds up becoming a hot messsssssssssssssss and wears on lives like a full set of "Samsonite luggage"

Blesssssssssssssssssss

Kim..........

Woa....15 years...!!!!
You didn't miss it !!
I feel you though,that divorce and all that comes and goes with it can
take the flavor out of letting someone in......but 15 years.
I commend you for pouring energy into your children, but MOm has needs too!!
When they get into later teens and head out in life, they won't be there...to fill your time or ( hide behind) ...( I did that for a while)
You remind me of my Moms situation,Pops left her after 23 yrs of marriage as a stay at home Mom...with no clue , he just up n' left. She's still bitter 20 some odd years later. ( not saying you are)
Please remember you deserve ....for you !!!

Blesssssssssssssss

"Friends with benifits" uuuuummmmmm.....I'm currently in a situation that I have 1 of those (just started a week ago) but I've known him for years. He's my 2 in a half yrs ago ex-boyfriends best friend (I know it's f-up but hey we are both in a dry spell)

Anyway, I know I love him but only as a friend and I"m sure he's the same way this is something I'd talk to him about later. He's actually my first "friend" (I had been married since I was 14 almost 15, divorced at 20) so I can't say that I'm an expert by any means, But I can say that before you go on with your "benifical friend" maybe you should talk to him about were you think the "relationship" should and shouldn't go. Obviously you don't want it to go any further and it seems that if it does your going to just roll with the punches but in the end that's just going to make it worse then it should be. (I could be wrong) Either way good luck

~~Theta

Friends with benefits work for some. I'm not one of them but that is me. Sex is nothing to me unless I can share it completely and utterly with the whole of my being with another.

Just don't make it into a game. It really isn't. It works because there is respect for eachother. As long as that happens, I think its a good thing. When you lose respect and start thinking "if guys can then us women can" you have already lost the 'battle.'

I'm a woman but no feminist.. I view people as people; whatever gender. If the "Guys can so I can" cross your mind, you have things to reconsider, imo..

Just because things exist and are placed before you doesn't mean you have to use them. Whatever the next person does. We all stand with our own responsibilities.

Skye

Thanks ladies for all the advice! I think the person who really got what I was saying the most was E.M Murren (my logic exactly!). Friends with benefits is one thing, but this man is a real friend. Thats the part that really gets me. He is an amazing friend, who I just so happen to sleep with. But I honestly dont feel used, mistreated, bored, wasted, or anything really negative at all. The advice has helped though, more then you ladies know. Thanks!