Pathway Writing Group : Forum : please critique this


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please critique this

12 Years Ago


Late summer, I reach out and pluck A star out of the night Out of the many colors, I pick A rare white star, So sweetly bright.   Will you taste sweet or Will you sting me with your sour? Will your taste be memories? Will they be of families? Or will you sting me with your sour?   When I want to reach out You think I’m dark as night I brush your leaves with fingertips And leaves curl up In fright.   Yet such joy you bring to me When I taste your crunchy juice When I peel away the Waxy yellow skin Then your sweetness I deduce.   Hidden are you, my star Amongst the leaves that look like night Night turning into day, and Leaves turn pink Though you’re still shining bright.   Sinking, sucking, slurping Its flesh fiercely flaming In my mouth My lingering longing for you To calm and awaken me.    You, who have so many names, I think I’ll call you star fruit
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Re: please critique this

12 Years Ago


I love how you changed the meaning of a star. Now that I think about it , how would a star fruit taste like
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Re: please critique this

12 Years Ago


This was strange and sweet, and I'm not sure why, but when you wrote, "I think I'll call you star fruit," I chuckled. Keep writing.
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Re: please critique this

12 Years Ago


Written words are  just an illusion processed through our perception. The poem's elements momentarily fools the reader but stimulates our brain.