The Wood Beyond The World Forum Introducing my work

Hi everyone, since this group is concentrated in membership and thankfully not likely to get a barrage of banal posting, i decided it wouldn't be discouraged if i wanted to start a thread that invites conversation about my work. I am not nearly as prolific a writer as some of you, and if you examine my posted works you'll no doubt wonder about a lot of unmentioned things. I have two projects that attack the same universe from two different angles: back story and story. Fragments is mostly back story or peripheral tales in the universe i'm creating. Cosmos is intended to be the story and it's main characters.

so far (and ironically) Fragments has a more cohesive telling than the Cosmos pieces (which are more accurately considered fragments -- sorry if that is confusing). Cosmos : Whisper Mages was the first thing i posted on the cafe, and is in dire need of revision (i never revised it, i just wrote and posted). I wrote it and Fragment one as a good intro to some things that are important both globally and locally (or should i say cosmically and globally?).

So, i suppose if there are suggestions or questions about anything anyone here read of mine, i'll be happy to share conversation and thoughts with you.

Joshua,

Cosmos, Interesting bit and very prolific in your grammar and style. I left a brief review, just basic comments but most of those may be negated because of personal taste.

I do feel that the POV needs to be tightened up and there is a bit of redundancy that needs cutting, especially in the beginning, to make the story move smoother.

Why bejeweled glove vs jewel studded glove? (This is one of those redundancy issues that the piece beats the reader with. I think once you explain that its a bejeweled or jeweled glove, then glove would suffice there after. The readers will understand.) There was a few more area's like that as well.

Is this an experimental piece, rough draft, or work in progress? If feels, like a work in progress to me, but I am not sure.

If you have any questions, message me, be glad to banter with ya or pick each others heads. Either way, its a win/win for both of us.

Nick.

Not to be picky, but the psi-glove was the only glove mentioned. Then there was the "bejewelled hand," which was the hand the glove was not on.

I thought that, with one exception, the narrator's breaking of Shade's POV was well used. Leah pointed up the break in the line: Birds, of all things to conjure, why birds? This could have been expressed aloud simply by making a new paragraph and adding quotes.

Shade Calabronn is one of three Cosmos pieces that are posted at the moment (there is also Whisper Mages and The Ethereals, whisper mages has more in common with shade calabronn as writing pieces).

Shade Calabronn is a work in progress. The POV shift is something i want better control of. It is important the shift happens and i want to make it smooth as possible because Lilyas' death is vital to the story (because her whisper comes upon the boy -- who is also vaguely mentioned in Whisper Mages).

The psi-glove is the only glove he wears (the left hand) and the Right hand, his fingers each have more than one jewel. I think i'm more interested (physically) in what size these jewels are. i don't want the reader to think that these jewels are rocks. i want them to sit nicely and flat, maybe about the size of a finger nail. this way the hand can still move with dexterity without a jumbling hinderance.

I chose "psi" both because of the idea of "pressure" like air in a tire. and as "psiotic" "psionic" -- a telekinetic, supernatural mental projection. I wanted ot mix the two ideas into a glove and specifically not a sword and not a gun (both weapons i'm tired to death of).

Whisper mages abilities are demonstrated a little more in the prior piece Whisper Mages, and the sentient agenda-minded rune (one of countless others) is also given a verbalized role (because that story's particular rune hasn't been subdued yet). Whisper Mages is being revised at the moment. I'm changing the tense from present to past, i'm cleaning up some of the verbosity. I'm giving the two major whisper mages more distinct voices (they tend to blend together) and over all i want the piece to be tighter and more concise. it waxes on a bit and i think some of the things my characters say is horribly poetic. And i don't want too much of that. Poetic good guys make me puke.

Whisper Mages also introduces how travel between worlds (flexible idea: worlds. not necessarily planets, or dimensions, but sometimes just areas of existence, transitional areas, pockets, or oases in the void). The fold is a space between spaces. It opens differently for many of the characters that are able to use it.

I'll post WHisper Mages to the group next, but i want to revise it. meanwhile the unrevised version is up and anyone is welcome to read it (because even if the writing kind of bugs me, the concepts and the unfolding of the action toward the end is what i was aiming for -- so really it's mostly the beginning and middle i want to trim and revise).

Two things. Before I was through with the Shade piece I had in mind the very kind of jewels on fingers neat and in line as you describe here. The character was so efficient that I knew they could not be a hindrance in any way, but only assets, almost like a sci-fi control panel only somehow more natural than artificial.

As to "world" rather than "planet," my work identifies with this notion completely. I come from a Buddhist background, and so use terms like "realm" and "dreamtime" and "GroupMind." For the Buddhist, there is no such thing as matter apart from mind, or sense object apart from sense organ, any more than there is male without female or effect without cause.

There is "form" and "appearances," never mere material undefined by sensation, conception, and emotion. Mainly, there is self and other, and they are awarenesses within time and space which are constructs, elements, of mind.

I'm glad I read your explication, Adam.

That was the way I saw the jewels, not like clunky rings or anything. That's why I had a different suggestion for "situated dearly" -- 'situated' sounded sort of mechanical.

Anyhow, my review went into some detail about all of those word choice things as promised, and a couple of points of grammar.

I had no trouble with the shift in point of view to Lilyas' whisper at the end -- it was two brief shifts within the struggle that tripped me up a bit.

Joshua,

Just read the second one you have up and the first one now makes a little more sense to me. I left a list of thoughts or issues from my humble opinion in the review. If you have any questions, message me. If you need me to go through it more, again, let me know. They are just my observations, thoughts, and taste so they may not be what you are looking for.

Nick.

Thanks, Nick. I appreciate you insight. I'm definitely down with your idea about the description regarding the fabric cuirass and my usage of the em-dashes ( -- ). I wanted the guards to remain anonymous (whose own cultural background is irrelevent to the the cosmic story; just a culture unfortunate enough to become subject to the greedy desires of another rune stone). your suggestions are also critical of some stylistic things i've chosen and not some grammatical things (but that's cool). So i have to think on them, and reread things piece-meal to see if there is an unnecessary nuance, or forced element that i could truncate or trim down or simply revise.

ok. truth be told: i'm proud of the new piece. let me let it sit for a bit before i get back to it.

another truth be told: i've written a lot of other Cosmos things that i haven't been posted that i'm reluctant to post because their subject matter is pretty difficult to articulate. i'm gonna try real soon. but whisper mages are not the main characters :( (or they were not intended to be) but hey! that's the joy of writing: discovery!