The Wood Beyond The World Forum Realm of Shadow discussion

Michael Raymond Robinso..	[no subject] 17 Years Ago Wow, you picked away, could my document get splatter with anymore red? Just kidding, it wasn't that bad. Yet ::smile:: Let's start by reviewing your review.. Quote: 'Twilight was just beginning to shift quietly into darkness as he stood upon the small rocky ledge.' You're talking qualities of light here, but light usually doesn't make much noise, does it? 'Quietly' doesn't seem quite right I stumbled with this line over and over, now it reads: Twilight was just beginning to shift naturally into darkness as he stood upon the small rocky ledge. Quote: 'Thus, the night sky subtly illuminated the road below him with the light that lingered. With the glow remaining, most could not see the events unfold below. . .' I'd skip the 'thus'. Now, who are these 'most' you speak of? Are they present in the scene? Hypothetical people can get in the way of the narrative. Agreed. Reminds me of a common argument with a fellow engineer when one of us say "They say" or "They" period, his reply: "Who's They?". Now reads: With the glow remaining, the common human could not see the events unfold below, but with magically altered vision for Clinox all below was as if it were day. Quote: 'His body, this body died over two-hundred-years ago in a battle that reached epic proportions. The battle ended poorly for him, but it started a cataclysm for the end of a civilization.' Just 'his body' I think. 'Epic proportions' is a bit cliche. And I'll say it ended poorly! If this is Clinox's sardonic way of thinking about the situation, that's cool. I'd just like to have more of the impression that we're privy to his thoughts, rather than listening to an outside narrator. I'm stumbling a bit over 'cataclysm for the end of a civilization' -- I think it's that prepostition 'for' used with 'cataclysm'. Something more direct, with an active verb: '. . . it began a cataclysm that ended a civilization.' Yes, the intention here is to be coming from him. Clorox is an arogant SOB and has been around for a long time. I have altered this line to be: His body died over two-hundred-years ago in a battle that reached what he considered, epic proportions. The battle ended poorly for him, but it began a cataclysm that ended not only a civilization, but also a world, which suited him just find. Quote: 'The �those� that he was referring to did not yet know. . . ' Here again I feel myself stopped short by an outside narrator. I'm really comfortable being right there in Clinox's devious thoughts, and the quotes and the verb 'referring' just pull me right out again. Again, the same argument of above, redone as: Only hatred burned his soul where those were involved. Nevertheless, come the morning, their eyes would be wide open. Quote: 'He looked down at his skeletal hand. It has been too long now since he has felt flesh around his animated body, how he longed to live once again.' Tense shift to present, and back to past. Also, the last comma should be a period or semi-colon. I'd even allow an exclamation mark for the last clause -- though usually they seem excessive outside of dialogue, this seems like Clinox's own exasperated thoughts. You could get away with it. Again, You got me, I could not argue this point. Now reads: It had been too long now since he had felt flesh around his animated body. How he longed to live once again! Quote: 'Clinox sighed as only he could with no flesh, blood, or working lungs.' I really like this image -- could you maybe give a description with some sound or other appeal to the reader's senses? Again, I agree also but haven't yet worked this out, as with an explaination of greater detail of the sight.
Nick Anthony	[no subject] 16 Years Ago Micheal, I have reviewed the revised chapters 1 and 2. Chapter one with Cat is much better and very active. There is enough backstory to show the readers who she is and how she is. I left a few comments on tightening a few things up. Chapter two...in my humble opinion is still a work in progress and in need of more active voice. Its no that its passive totally, but its not very active neither. Why? No dialogue or interaction with Norrells troops or guards. Never sell yourself short on the use of dialogue to show the story where in other words your thinking the story. Adding dialogue would keep the reader in present tense in this case and you could still have Norrell think back. But I have to ask...how much of the back story is neccessarry here. You have a major incident that is occurring, with some vivid descriptions, but then you spend 2/3 of the chapter giving various backstory. Think about what you could cut at this moment and show later through action or the dialogue of others. Like in order for a reader to understand that she has the largest trading company, perhaps someone could be talking to her, and noting...Cat, you have the most to lose since you have the largest trading company... Is it really neccessarry for the reader to know at this point how many ships and warehouses she has? Like me, your mind thinks in logistics and mechanic terms. I am a project supertendent in land developement and construction. So during the day, I am always thinking ahead by a week and about past projects where I encountered similar situtations and how we solved them. I put tons of information in my orginal drafts, and even the revisions, feeling the more info the better the picture. Yes and no...there can also be information sensory overload and when that happens, a reader starts skimming. To much and they put the book down. Still, the story is intriguing and your mechanics are pretty well along at this point. As Leah is fond of telling me, now you just need to tighten it up here and there. Hope this helps Micheal.
Michael Raymond Robinso..	[no subject] 16 Years Ago Nick, Been meaning to let you know my thoughts, but my job has been running me in circles this week in prep for my start up of a plant in Arkansas next week.... Anyway, as far as Chapter 1 goes, I too am pretty statisfied with it, but still, I think a few things need cleaned up. 1. Quote: 1...Catherine Foster felt the rain patter on her uncovered head. Her hair clung to her forehead and water soaked her light leather vest as she stood in the doorway of the manor that the city of Port Alexi had let the Fosters reside in. While the opening is good, this feels backward and the second sentence is overly long on words. Maybe rearranging to something like this.... Catherine Foster stood in the doorway of the manner house that the city of Port Alexis had given the Fosters to reside in, the rain pelting her uncovered head. She stared at the body on the floor just inside the doorway, ignoring her wet hair clinging to her forehead, her vest soak all the way through. She dropped her canvas journey bag... My opening I'm not quite satisfied with either. I'm am taking your suggestions here and tossing them around the cobwebbed graymatter to see if I can improve. I just may use yours ::biggrin:: altering slightly. 2. Quote: 2...It was a killing blow, not a wounding one. Everything after blow is not needed as the first part says it all very well to the reader...and in her thoughts. It was a killing blow I agree... 3. Quote: 3...She slid her father�s head into her lap. Ok...Cat was kneeling next to her father. Have your wife lay on the floor, kneel next to her and try to take dead weight into your lap...oppps, you kneeling, you have no lap. Have Cat go from kneeling to sitting position, raise his head and scoot under him, taking his head into her lap. Normally, dead weight is hard to move, so you come to it. Just a suggestion on clarity of image. I pictured more sitting with folded knees, basically sitting on her calves and heels. Maybe I should add some clarity. 4-8 I agree Some rewording in required. On to 2: Quote: 1...Just a couple of suggestions for the opening.... Do not have the opening scene behind Norrells back, have her viewing it, perhaps from a hill or something, thus being in her voice, and much more vivid. Also, add scavanger birds circling, vultures, hawks, seagulls. They are all scavangers and would more than likely already be there. If you have seen the movie, "Kingdom of Heaven," remember the scene after the knights left the city and were defeated by the muslim warriors. Hundreds of vultures descended on the scene. It was a very vivid image to a tragic ending for the christian knights. Agreed, have been thinking about this since posted. Trying to work in soldiers, or even Captian Seveil earlier. 2-5: I can see your wisdom in these comments likewise. Many it's a matter of rewording the line or two: Such as: Norrelle's time usually dealt with business over the past few years, she owned the largest trading company within the city Wind-n-Wing Shipping, which she started from a single ship so long ago. It does sound as if I'm naming the city Wind-n-Wing....Oops. Slight rearrangement and bingo, it should be okay. I also understand: Quote: All in all, the plot thickens and the story progresses. But this chapter has too much back fill or drifting thoughts on the past and very little in way of present action. In my experience in fantasy fiction...stories are mostly told in present tense with an occassional side trip down memory lane, or back story. To help rid this feeling, I might add more dialogue between Norrell and her troops, discussing what they are finding, and she can continue to think back as she watches her troops search for clues, survivors, etc. I durning my trip to Arkansas, will reconstruct this beast, as I'm envisioning some of the conversation (unsure with who) as they walk the battle field to find a survivor and eventually, the sight behind the wagon. Again, many thanks for your welcomed and critical eye.