The fallen Forum Blog number #1

So guys… This is really hard for me to talk about, but I know the importance of talking, if you don’t you end up in a lot of trouble.When I was younger my mother got a boyfriend, he moved in with us and sexually abused me for two years. He used to threaten me, saying that if I told anyone he would hurt my mum, she was all I had so I kept quiet. He forced me to do things that even consenting adults won’t do and basically destroyed my childhood. He left just before I started secondary school and I don’t think I have ever been so happy. It didn’t last very long.To this day I still can’t stand people touching my hair (he was a hairdresser) I have flashbacks, night terrors, and days that I just can’t face the world. But I was a lot worse, and that’s what I want to concentrate on in this little… blog… thing; how I overcame all of this.I need to tell you about just how bad it was first, but stick with me!I used to cut my legs up pretty badly, I thought it would be easier to hide and it also hurt a lot more, so I got more pain as I walked around, pain was at least something, better than the perpetual numbness I was usually stuck in, there were other reasons but you guys all know your own reasons. It eventually got so bad that I had to see a doctor, I very nearly gave myself gangrene.I picked fights, earned myself an attitude and was on a road to self destruction. Clichéd I know but it is sadly true… I believed that no one cared and in my case I was right, anybody I told was only interested in how bad it looked on them being my friend/ parent. And this was just the self harm, so how was I supposed to tell them about the abuse?I had been to two separate councillors and hated them both so when I was forced in to seeing a third, I was obviously dubious about going. Tanya turned out to be great, a wonderful woman who really helped me but I still didn’t tell her about the abuse and quickly regressed again. It all came to a head when my mum turned around to me and said “You never do anything for me, I’ve always been there for you” I broke and screamed back“Where were you when Kemal was in my room at night!” I don’t think I have ever seen her go so quiet… Then she said something that broke my heart“S**t… he was alone with (cousin) as well… I’d better call”My cousin was fine, but you can only imagine what that felt like.So I was in a very, very bad place, I refused to talk to my councillors and when the police were told I complied with the investigation but was warned that it probably wouldn’t make it to court, victims support was useless and I felt completely lost and was ready to jump off a bridge.Now for the good part!!!Someone said to me“You are not a victim… Victims have lost, you’re still here, so you haven’t lost, have you?”That has been my mantra as I claw my way out of the darkness…I met my husband and when we were close I told him everything, he held me while I cried and together we have built me back up. It was not easy, it wasn’t pretty, and it pushed me beyond all my limits and I am now on top!The thing to remember is that someone cares! It may not be the people that should care but there is always someone, I am happy for anyone to message me and talk to me because I know what it is like. I know how hard it is to convince yourself that anyone cares.I care… I care because no one should be left with no one the way I was, I care because I pulled myself up, I talk to myself in the mirror repeating my mantra over and over my husband walks in and just smiles at me. Talk to someone, anyone, me! Your hamster! God! Hell, talk to yourself in the mirror! Sometimes it’s the sanest opinion you will hear!!!You are not alone! There are people that care, there are people that want to help! But a lot of the time it is you that refuses to talk!That is the first step, Tell someone, anyone!The second step is harder, find yourself, no not in the trip around the world way, find what makes you special or good, I don’t want to hear that there’s nothing because there is. You know what mine is?I make the best mince and rice in the world!It’s small it’s silly but it’s what makes me great and the world would be poorer without me in it for that small silly reason. Find that about yourself and embrace it whether it be your poetry or the way you can always tidy a room perfectly. Be proud of yourself for that one tiny thing and slowly add to it!Finally, as harsh and British as this sounds, get on with it. If you let the world stop because you are too upset and miserable, how can you possibly hope to make it better. If you look for the misery in everything how can you hope to see any good? There will always be someone worse off than you, look to helping them instead of wallowing in your own misery.By doing this I have come out the other side, I have a way to go but I am getting there. Those first steps are the hardest but it is liberating once you do! I know so many of you are reading this and going, yeah right *eye roll* all I can say is, why am I happy and recovering and your sitting there looking for help.Feel free to message me any time of the day or night I will always be happy to talk, I want to help!If you don’t push for it, happiness will never find you!Love, luck and best wishes to you allShazza xxx